Caring for the depressed.

I'm actually depressed everyday. I probably lack endorphins so I can't blame myself. I think in my case its more normal to be depressed. Its just that I never showed it. I ignored it because I thought everyone was like me. I found out its not like that. Most people aren't chronically depressed. Their depression is over after a while. Idk there are a lot of people like me. I actually want to kill myself really badly because of this headache. Nothing helps. I hate depression. So, I'm suppose to live with a headache for rest of my life? fml Anyways this is probably why I care about other people. I don't want them to be constantly depressed like I am.  

Caring for the depressed is a lot of work, especially when your depressed yourself. I promised myself to care for myself first, before others. However, here I am caring for another being. fml. I can't help myself if another person is self harming. I realized the more time I take to recover myself, the other person would be self harming.  I believe the most important part of the caring is support. Keep supporting them and believing in them. Also, you have relate. Its hard. You have to understand them. I don't think the approach, I've done it you can do it too works. Just always be there for them. Idk maybe its annoying. But for sure, the mindset is important. As for me, after an optimistic person destroyed my life, it was hard to trust them again. However, I believe if the mindset is the same, its easier, to understand the other person's view. Its just that depression creates a pessimistic mindset. The pessimistic mindset is very brain torturing. You basically live in hell. 

I'll give you an example. For me, friendships don't lasts. I've learned that from my early childhood. So, I imagined everyone dead. After that I learned my parents don't last. So, I imagine, my parents dead. Lastly, I've experienced people hating me for who I am. So, I imagine, everyone hating me for who I am. Thus, I've created a whole world of dead people and people hating me. Its hell. Its not like I want to think like this. Its subconsciously programmed in my head. Happiness is impossible to find. 

Well, I should have never trusted anyone. It would have been better that way. Idk. It was my first time having someone requesting the trust. I guess I'm paying for the happiness I borrowed. 

Anyways, I realized, no matter how much I care about depressed people. If they are going through chronic depression, its not going to help. No matter how consistant I am with the care. I just have to keep giving. I have to constantly care. Self harm is a sign of help. Idk why I'm this way. I thought it was normal for humans to help each other. I didn't know that. However, it seems its not the norm. 

I kind of understand why psychiatrist are always depressed. They have to use empathy. They don't see results from depressed people. Thus, they themselves get depressed. Well, the good thing is, I'm seeking help. I wish every other people did that too.

I think these are key points.

1. Take care of yourself

2. Encourage them to seek professional help

3. If they don't just try to understand them in a pessimistic view point. 

- Optimistic view point only works once. Pessimistic people usually learn to not trust optimistic people after they fuck their life up. To be honest, a lot of these optimistic people are liars. They lie about the harm they done. So that they don't feel guilty. They deny the truth. Sometimes they are pessimists disguised as optimists. I know because I was a true optimist before.  Everything was very happy.

4. Give them support. 

5. Don't let bad results get to you. 

I guess thats all I can say. I really don't know. I did learn how to love people through agape. The power to unconditionally love someone. Its a great strength for myself. However, I realized every time I use agape, my brian hurts a lot. I mean agape is the devine form of love that is given by God. 

kdrama: the Nice guy that never existed in any societies

Its a drama about a cute guy who is selfless. Protects the weak, takes blame for things that he never did, and etc. Basically full of self sacrifices. Reminds me of myself a lot. So, from the drama I realized how shitty life is. Being self sacrificing hurts my brain a lot. You already know you're not going to benefit from the action. Its clear. But you have to do it because its the right thing to do. Forced to. You ask yourself why am I doing this. Even if it affects my future. The biggest problem is those people who try to use you. Ask you and demand you to do things. I hate when people try to put me on a leash. I just hate hit so much, it brings out so much negativity. Most times I refuse, but still it annoys me a lot. I don't mind give and take. However, if they disrespect me, I want to punch them. I already on a leash by God. I can't Moreover, no matter how much you love depressed people, they'll never be happy. Its a given. The amount of love I gave out to those who needed it drained me completely. I didn't know love was limited. I thought the heart can regenerate love without depleting it. I guess that is the difference between me and God. He never exhausts himself. However, another difference between him and I is that mines are done by action not words. The similarity between the main character and I are that we both hate God. Hate God to our guts. He keeps punishing me but wouldn't offer us death. Its not that I want to die. I'm not suppose to exist. A guy who doesn't smoke, drink, gamble, care about others, take other people's punishments, and self sacrifice. lol The main character his pretty damn pessimistic. I guess its normal. If you're too positive, you see things negative. Idk I wish God will just kill me already lol. Compared to a lot of people, my future is bright. However, happiness doesn't follow. My mindset is very fked up at the moment. Its probably is because nobody understands me. Even I can't understand myself nor my behaviors.

I don't know. I want to live in a cave. So, I can't see sad people.Nor those people with hidden intentions. I hate those people with hidden intentions. I'm too lazy to hide myself. If I do hide myself, I have to hide my niceness because people take advantage of it.

After I go back to Korea. I'm to go back to being the bottom of society. The Korean military is pretty funny. Its really about how wealthy you are, even if there isn't suppose to be any social class. I'll go to the hardest one where none of the middle upper class people go to. I need to acquire the ability to see things from below like I used to. I forgot about it because I've been heading towards the top, moving forward. Idk people are nice to you when you're up there. I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from the people in the military for being different or being spoiled. I want to see how much I developed. Its always better to see both sides of the world.

Most people only try to see the beauty of the world. I want to see the insides of the world. How the gold coating is all a distraction of the inner dirtiness. btw. Korea is a very good example of gold coating. Korea is too clean. Idk just live life quietly and pass away. me and my friend was talking about not having kids. They have to go through too much shit.

Yeah I wish I could see the psychiatrist asap

My brain keeps hurting. I think I'll write about instant and long term gratification.

True Love

I wonder if true love exists. True love is when both parties becomes selfless and care for each other. Thus, there is no need to care from himself or herself. I wonder if it actually works. Most people engage in relationships to become happy. However, relationships don't always end up being happy. There are always ups and down. There is nothing more to know about of a person after a certain point. Also another issue is trust. How much can you trust the person? From my prospective, a lot of people start believing in Christianity after they go through trust issue. As for me, I realized, I could only believe in myself. The love God gives to humans and be recreated by your own self. You can love yourself. Well, technically, I don't love myself, I just believe in myself. I don't know. I hate God in general. Well, I love too. God created humans, yet he doesn't protect them. Instead God lets Jesus Christ, a selfless being, to help humans . I don't know. It seems relationships are very short termed. I only know 1 relationship that lasted for few years. Just one from my entire list of friends. Isn't that funny? I think most relationships end in a year. Then, there are two year relationships. I don't know. Its crazy how short these relationships are. How can you trust them if you knew them for only couple of years? Its kind of why I joined the dating game. By the time I'm 26, I don't have enough time to find someone who I can trust.

Its kind of funny how every old person I meet, they tell me the same thing. Money can buy you anything. I think its because money does matter in a successful relationship to a certain extent. Most relationship end badly because of stressful situations. Those are when people lack money. They get stressed and when humans are stressed, their mental illness start to appear. Then again too much money would lead to unfaithfulness. Its common. I don't know. Being Korean sucks. I have to live in this homogenous society that doesn't accept difference. Stop thinking.

Maybe I'm just born this way.

I wish the doctor could fix me. I don't know anything anymore. I understand a lot, but its to the point where it hurts my brain. Somethings are meant to be unseen, not understood. People say just see things as it is, but no... there is too many things happening underneath. Maybe its because something that I didn't calculate happened in my life. I'm not smart nor good at focusing. I'm just good at planning. If you plan out everything in every possible way, no matter how many times you fail, you can only win. Because you can always take the other route. However, you suffer a lot in this mentality. You prepare for the worst. Such as sudden death, lost of finance and mishaps. It implants unnecessary fear into your brain. It protects you because your already mentally prepared for the worst. However, its very tiring. You just imagine everything as the worst.

Idk. How can I stop. I'm kind of happy though. I have people that I can sort of trust. I don't know its not full trust, but I'll say for sure somewhat trust. Thin line of trust. Its something very rare and important. Something that I would treasure forever. Well, I don't know how long it would last but I'll just remember the feeling.

So

Here I am wearing  a bear costume.

Pessimism

As a expat kid, it seems nearly impossible to fall in love. Even before I learned to read, I naturally started creating a wall around me. To protect myself as I didn't want to get hurt every single time I moved. So eventually, saying Good bye became easy. But, the barrier became too thick as more people made it thicker. My parents were pretty much the ones who made it even worst. So, with this thick barrier, I can't fall in love. Well, first of all, my belief in falling in love is lust. How can you see someone and realize this person is the one? WTF you don't even know anything about her or him. You just know that he or she is nice to you and she or he looks nice. You don't know anything about her or his insides. How messed up or broke she or he is. Its about how much happier he or she will make. But then, what about when it comes to stressful situations? Such as lack of money, death or etc. These do happen. Life is long. Its not short. Life is short is some bullshit spoiled people came up with. You're suppose to survive each day. Shit happens. Your significant other will not provide you with this happiness. There is no point in this relationship because you engaged in this relationship to make yourself happy. So, you do you stay or leave? Most people would choose to leave. End it. It make sense. I don't understand how these relationships work. I mean possibly you can just make it so that the point where there is no hardship. But, it happens. Its why I keep telling people be thankful for the people you love. They might disappear the next day. You keep being an optimist and never think about it.

I'm a hardcore pessimist. The girl I asked out was an optimist. "Life is short, be happy" is what she told me. Well, she was one of the most depressing girl, I've ever met. Dumped 5 times and while I was with her she got dumped the 6th time. She became alcoholic. So much for optimism. Optimism is where you realize he wasn't the right one and move on. Find few negative things about yourself, maybe improve and then move on. Not become alcoholic. Focus on being yourself. Well, definitely not spoiled. Most people would think I'm spoiled. I'll say to a certain degree yes. But, I'll say no in many cases. We just got our smart phones because we were embarrassed. I did few impulsive purchase of clothes, headphones and etc. I never used to buy clothes. I don't know I didn't care what other people think of me. I really like fashion but I wanted to buy clothes after I get a stable job. So, I don't waste my parents money. We don't even own a car, sofa, air conditioning. We just have a lot of books. Our house looks like shit in the inside. We have so many boxes because we keep moving. As for vacations, we don't have any. We stopped having these things called family vacations after high school started. I think its because my parents have been very poor before so they don't want to go back. So, we keep saving. I realized my parents are so pessimistic about living that any living standards good.

It kind of make sense. Everyday is a decent day because I imagined it worst. No matter how  many misfortunes happen. I guess I imagine everyday a end of the world. But, as a pessimist, life is very depressing. You're imagination takes control over it. Your brain hurts a lot.

Idk I"m only 21 and I have trust issues. I wonder what I;m like at 30.

But seriously, I need to take my dads job so I can move out of my parents house. WTF. When you have parents that discourages everything you do. Every single thing, then what am I suppose to do? The only reason I quit piano was because my mom told me to quit. I almost quit college because my mom told me to. What the fk. I should quit life. I have to keep believing in myself. I am my own source of self confidence. Life sucks when you can't trust anyone. Not a single being. I just wish my parents would just let me make some decisions.

The good thing is my personality did become better except for the part about being pessimistic. Idk. I guess I'll just marry a pessimist and do society a favor. Or stay single as long as possible.

I think I hate society in general. Idk. The poorer, the uglier, the weaker you are, more people treat you like shit. The richer you are, everybody pleases you.

The problem with dating is that we're only enjoying ourselves. I mean I could have fun with anyone. The problem is how do you know they'll remain if you're weak?

50% of the married people divorce. 25% of the population remains single. So thats 75% of people living alone. So only 25% of the people find true love.

fml. I hate being the minority in society. Its always a disadvantage. No matter how right you are. You are attacked by the majority for not being like them. Especially when you're Korean on the outside but international in the inside. They just assume your the same as them. Don't bother understanding. When they think we had a perfect life traveling around the world. Not thinking about how much we had to sacrifice. My head hurts.

I should have just jumped off the bridge that time. Its probably why I'm selfless. I probably killed myself in the inside. So nothing hurts. Idk. It was peaceful. No happiness, but nothing hurt. Until these days, i've realized I'm alive. fml.

I guess I'll have to kill myself few more times.

I think I'll prepare for fighting off zombies. The process if un-spoiling myself is hard.

Sugar.

I wonder how much sugar I have to eat to be happy. I don't understand. This depression isn't going away. I think its because I've came to a realization I'm alive. I've been playing dead these past years. Then, someone reminds you that you are alive. Its impossible for me to be happy. All the pain from past few years come back and haunt you every single day. I question myself why I'm still alive. Dwelling in the past is bad but most people suicide in Korea if they experienced what I've been through. I'm not suppose to be alive. lol. Its kind of the reason why I'm nice to people. Compared to the people from the past, everyone is nicer. But, over protective because I don't want anyone to suffer the pain I've been through.

I have too much empathy. I actually care about other people. I also care too much about how other people think. So, with these two mentality, its hard to achieve happiness. I think it was better when I played dead. I could never be happy but nothing hurt.

Happy people don't care what other people think. They are selfish.

Why is it lasting this long. fml. My brain hurts so much. I can't hide it anymore. Its impossible. The fake personality I've created to conceal my true self is gone. Or harder to find. I'm pretty much dead. Maybe this is why I'm a bit crazy than normal people.

One good thing about myself is I'm good at playing with emotions. Happiness or sadness. I can make people laugh and cry at the same time. Its dangerous as well. You can harm people from the inside. That is why I prefer not to harm others. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. Of course it always leads to self harm.

I wish I could just fit in and be normal. Why am I so irrational? different?

Whatever, I'm just going to go to the hardest military camp in Korea. If you can't harm others, you kind of have to prove that you can harm them, its just that you choose not to. Most people in this world are people pleasers. They'll be only be nice to people they find stronger than they are. Most people don't realize this because they never been at the bottom of society.

A girl told me she'll date me after I come out of the military... wtf.. Sorry I don't date selfish people. Love is about trust. Complete trust and sacrifices. I don't see people as people. More like devils. The inability to wait for my military service to finish shows how she'll untrustworthy. I don't understand. I guess its because I don't base love on lust. Why would I fall in love? When nobody cares about trust?

Man If I was a girl, I'll probably go out with that beger that did a selfless act. Hes so nice. He is my new role model. I'm going to use him on every paper I write about selfless person. I love him.

being spoiled sucks

Its so hard to appreciate things. fml. Being spoiled sucks. Well, I used to be poor so I know I'm spoiled. Still, its so hard. 

Humans always want more stuff.  

Over

I think my depression is semi over. No, I'll be honest. I can't get over it. I don't know. It seems the sense of not being able to protect hurts more than getting rejected. The reason I'm so protective is because society is a world full of assholes. Everyone pretends to be nice. Hide their true faces. When it comes to self interests, nobody is willing to sacrifice. As a nice person its really easy to find people's true faces. I mean you have to be nice in order to find nice people. You see who is willing to use you, not use you, or return the love. Even better, they are willing to give you love without expecting anything in return. From my experience most people are willing to use you. I just avoid them after my few encounters with those people. I don't know, I like to associate myself with nice people even though it means I'll be with boring people. However, people willing to self sacrifice is hard to find. One of the reason why I am self sacrificing is because at one point of my life, I was deciding whether I should live or not. It hurts a lot when everyone hates you for being you. Being yourself. Everyone quotes how you should always be yourself. Well, everyone hated me for being myself. Even my parents hated me for being myself. So, I was hated by everyone in the school and my parents. I'm not over-generalizing. Korean bullying is pretty intense. They destroy everything. Everything you own. Hurt you physically and mentally. If you stand up for yourself, expect going against ten people or so. Telling your teacher or parentes? Not an opinion. You are looked down even worst than trash if you tell your parents or teacher. I know because someone did it. He was pretty retarded. His life didn't end well. I mean I could have joined the oppressors, but it was really not my thing. Experiencing how cruel humans are, it is why I am over protective, especially with friends. I don't know why I decided to live. There were few reasons. I realized, even if I died nobody will care. The physical pain is too much. I don't know. I felt for killing myself. I would rather someone else do it for me.

That is why I care about others, I want them to realize I care. So, they don't have to decide for themselves if they should live or not.

And being over protective is because I don't want people to experience bullying in society. Its best to avoid people that smells trouble. But, stupid people don't realize this. Especially the ones who don't understand what being street smart is. FK THEM. They are so proud of themselves being street smart and they go get fucked. Fking retards. Always associate yourself with nice people even if they are boring.

I'll tell you a secret. The difference between a true rich person and poor person is the mentality. The mentality of giving back to society defines a rich person, not his wealth.

Few months ago, someone who wore baggy dirty clothes paid for my subway exit because my card didn't have enough credit and I was stuck inside. To me he was the richest person in the world. The money he spent on me probably was his lunch money, but he did it anyways, expecting nothing in return. I still can't forget. I'll always remember him even though I don't know his name. I'll keep being myself and give. Maybe if I keep giving, some people would give to others and maybe it would be like a disease of giving.

I guess I'm pretty weird since my life goal its to become God.

I wish people stop being depressed. Most of them don't realize the value of a caring friend. Every other person in Korea, is so jealous. Actually very jealous. lol. I wonder why I'm so loyal. I mean I don't benefit from friends anyways. I don't know.. maybe I'm appreciating them as people?

I've also realized few things about me. I am forced to love people when they are weak. I'm attracted to weakness. Its not like I'm taking advantage of the situation. I don't know, after someone shows weakness I seem to unconditionally love them. I didn't realize this but after few months of introspection I found a pattern.

I don't know what am I? Why do I care about depressed people. Why do I unconditionally love weak people. Even if these people would never return the love and care?

I hate weak people. I can't hate them no matter how much my mind tells me to hate them. Even though I was completely destroyed, I ended up taking care of them. fml. fking humans. I hate humans. I'm going to disappear from society away from humans.


I mean I have to. I think I've decided to join the marines. Apparently, the marines the hardest military course in Korea. Basically it would be hell. I think I'll join. I want to test my mentality. Bullying, engineering, and marines. Just one more hell left. Man, why do I always suffer. It seems there is always easier ways of doing things, but I always pick the hardest one lol wtf.

Life is weird.

I wish I had a job and a stable relationship. Life would be perfect.


I don't understand. I'm making a video for this person. Another one of those givings. Why am I so excited? I feel so happy. I don't understand. Why does giving make me so happy? I don't know when I think of the smiles on people's faces, it seems to make me happy. I don't know its weird. Well, I got pissed off this time. I'm increasing the scale of the video. Usually I just make short videos because it would cost time and money. This time I'm investing a lot. This way I'll be able to make as many people laugh.

I'll over do it.

Kill everyone at one go. Doing small good deeds aren't helping. Use media to make it a huge good deed.


I'm going to make this single person smile no matter what. I'm not going to experience the failure to make someone smile. It will be the greatest challenge. If I can make this person laugh, I'll be able to cheer up anyone.

Challenge accepted.

Sorry my blog is weird. My mind is crazy at the moment. I'm having a hard time being serious. Being serious brings back all the pain.

Btw i don't hate myself. I only hate my stupidity. But then again my creativity is insane. Like, thinking out of the box is too great I have to limit myself or else I'll come with solutions that is not possible in reality.

Idk...

Its weird. There always have been things I wanted to do, but my parents didn't listen. I'm kind of stuck with this route in life. I've realized I can put the other stuff as side projects.

Future me.

I'll become a

 - Engineer, solider, global nomad, dancer, dj, investment promoter.

I realized I'm not selfless. I just have a lot of empathy. Understand others in their point of view. But, I don't get empathy instantly, it takes a day or two to kick in. Then, I realize I should care for that person. I realized this is a talent and a curse.

turtle doves

why does everything relate to christmas. wtf. my favorite animal is turtle doves. i just found out its related to christmas fml

myself being happy

I realized why I cannot be happy. Its because I don't have a long term relationship. Thats is why I'm always depressed. Never happy because I cannot get the love I've give. So, since nobody can love me, I've became selfless. Its because since I cannot be happy, I get happy from seeing other people happy.

I guess its a form of instant gratification. I wish I could find someone I can trust my life with lol. Don't abandon me because I'm weak.

I do get nightmares for people hating me for doing things for them. fml. It hurts a lot...

wow shit I'm fking happy

I'm so excited. My mind gains so much endorphins from thinking of what I'm going to this christmas. This will counter the sadness and distract myself correctly. So, I'll have some fun. Everything I think about it it gives me happiness.

The ultimate cure to depression is to make a event that would make you happy in the future. It will make time go faster and you want to look forward to the future.

That is the cure.

It makes you think of the future. Gives a reason to live!

I've made something to look forward to

yay

my brain races

goes in cycles until it hurts fml

Thanks giving

I'm thankful for finding my identity after I lost it for a while. 

I wonder why people hate emos. I hate people who keep saying suck it up. Seriously WTF. 

Ok here is what happens. 

Me: I'm having a hard time in life. 

A  : Its ok everyone goes through it. Its not just you, so suck it up. Stop being a baby. 

Me: Engineering.

A  : Nvm, you have all rights to be emo. 

Me:  I'm having a hard time in life. 

A  :  Its ok everyone goes through it. Its not just you, so suck it up. Stop being a baby.

Me:  bullying. 

A  : Nvm, you have all rights to be emo. 

Me:  I'm having a hard time in life. 

A  :  Its ok everyone goes through it. Its not just you, so suck it up. Stop being a baby.

Me:  Lost someone. 

A  : Nvm, you have all rights to be emo. 

WTF. I don't get it. The moment another person shows pain. People don't try to understand it. They just judge you for complaining about life. Then, the moment that tell them the reason and they've personally experienced the pain, they say, you have all rights to complain. WTF WTF WTF. Such hypocrites. Isn't it better to just understand it from the start? That everyone has pain and its ok to complain. Try to understand the person. Just listen and support. Its not about just sucking it up and moving on. Its about understanding and reasoning ones behavior first. Finding the problem of the issue. Providing a solution to the problem with multiple steps. Not just sucking it up and moving on. But the thing is you have to try really hard to understand. Its not going to work, if you cannot relate to them. I guess its more like you have to have somewhat of a similar experience. Then only it works. I think.

Idk I tried talk to few other emo people. It was nice. You know emo people are relatively nicer than normal people lol. Really, its a fact. They appreciate human interaction. They try to understand other people's pain. They give support. I mean emo doesn't mean you're a cutter. Few are actually emo because they are nice. Idk they're really understanding. And a lot of them  are givers. They do things for society, because they learnt the pain that society can give. I mean I'm not talking about those people who wear black clothes and etc. They look like normal people. 

Its not like I'm not trying to let go. I'm trying my best. Distracting myself every second I can. But things trigger it. lol especially christmas. wtf... and its part of every year lol....

sick

lost my voice lol and was writing a 10 page essay coughing. It took me a lot longer than i expected. I mean its so fking hard to search up things when you're restless.

 The concepts of fighting this depression is very easy. I have to live the present and build the future. But the problem is humans want to remember the pain, so that you would never make the same mistake again. I guess this is why I'm so careful when I meet a person for a second time. I also have to keep telling myself I am able to do things. But, the problem is that I am easily disappointed in myself. Small mistakes would make me realize I cannot do things. Another thing is I have to stop being serious. It was one of my mechanism of living alone. When I say alone, I'm talking about completely alone. Well, the problem is I have to be serious when I study. Thus, every time I study, the pain comes back. To begin with the school I go to is a symbol of how my parents control me.

emotional stability

Apparently the fear of being alone can be solved through music. Explains I haven't removed my headphones for a long while. Its the only thing that makes me sane. Thank you for existing technology. My ears are a bit fked up lol but ok...

Fear of being alone can only be felt when you're alone. Without friends or parents. Most people don't realize it because they always have company. They have friends through out their life. They have parents. By the time their parents die, most people are married. So, they never realize the intense fear. Its a natural fear in humans. Because you realize at one point there are certain things you cannot do alone. The fear is only apparent if you have experienced it. I really enjoy being alone. I mean I'm an extremely alone person. I go shopping alone, eat alone, do things alone. I don't mind. But, even then the fear of being alone still remains.

I'm sick though. Its been killing me slowly.

I think people should stop trying to help when they cannot take responsibility. It only makes it worst for you to help without taking full responsibility. The thing is, humans want to appear nice. In order to look nice, they have to help others. But when they help others, they don't take full responsibility. They just run away when they realize its something they cannot handle. Well, at least apologize. I guess its only human to not help others to the extent it would mean a commitment.

I wish I was powerful lol. I don't mind committing as long as it looks promising and change is possible. But then again, expecting a person to change is stupid. People won't change. I changed for a person. But I'm not sure about other people.

I wonder what it is to be unconditionally loved.

Humans want to be unconditionally loved. Its impossible unless the person is your parents. Well, its even hard for the parents to love you unconditionally. Maybe they do its just that they don't know how to express it as we get older.

Apparently my dad is very proud of me. But, he never fking said a word about it to me. The only form of communication I have with my dad is politics and history. All we talk about is politics and history. We never talk about our lives. Well, I never talked about my life. He doesn't know anything lol. Well, its a big improvement, since we used to not talk to each other.

Well, I take the credit because I don't like awkward settings.

I wish I had a year just to go clubbing everyday until I realize. Its boring.

I wonder why people hate sad people.

I wonder why people hate sad people. Why not just take care of them? I used to joke around as much as possible because I was sad. It was a way to cover my sadness. I had to because I was always new to schools. Nobody likes sad people. Its hard to make friends when you're sad. So, you just have to cover it up. So, I've been doing that my entire life.

Well, I think I'm tired of it. Might as well just cry everyday everynight like a girl yay. Well, idk recently I could not control my sadness. I would end up teary in class. So, I have to pretend I'm sleeping. Why am I so sad? I don't understand. Its not like I'm consciously sad. I just happened to be like that. Maybe the years of sadness, which I did not express, have finally started pouring out. I wish I had something physical just to pat my head. Well, thats impossible. I'm always on my own. Maybe I'm suppose to be alone. Its quite sad because its always has been since when I was little.

I did have someone this summer. It felt really good. I thanked him a lot.

Yeah it still hurts.

I really don't care what others say about me. I don't care how many people call me retarded.  I don't care how many people call me I'm fked up. Or how many people tell me I cannot do things. I don't care. They have no rights to tell me I cannot do things. Because I know I can. I had so many people call me shit but it didn't hurt.

But, I think the problem is when those who you love tell you things, it does hurt. Because they're right. Whatever they say, everything they say is right. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But they are right. I cannot deny them. When they do say something, I just end up apologizing. I'm sorry for who I am and I'm sorry for being me. I wanted to do what I want and I'm not what you expected. I'm sorry. I'm just never good enough. I mean I know you're doing this because you care. But, why can't you understand I'm already doing my best. I tried very hard. I mean why do you expect so much?

Then again why can't you support me?  You never believed in me once. All you believed in me is to do something that I didn't even care about. Not a single bit. I forced myself to do things.

I do admit I'm very sad at the moment. I've tried to cover up my sadness up until now. Because nobody likes sad people. They just think sad people are weak and sad people are ignored. To express my sadness means I'll be alienating a lot of people. I think I've already have. But, I'm suppose to be happy after a while, but why do tears fall. Why do people cry? When crying doesn't solve anything? Well I don't even have anything physical to help me. Its just me in this world.

I know what I need to do, but my body does not listen. Nor does my mind. I'm so distracted. Focusing is hard. I've always had focusing problems, but I used to force myself to do things. But, in order to force myself I always had to believe I had no emotions. Because, I hate being forced. I cannot complain, or again you'll tell me to quit. Why can't you tell me just keep going and I can do it instead of telling me to quit? Can you not see why I'm so sad.

I wish God would just kill me already. I've been praying for years now. Every time I have a struggle, I'm alone. Thats why I hate you God. You always put me into this spot where I'm alone.

I've been combating my negativity with insanity. Where I would pretend to be insane, but there are times I have to be sane. When I do have to be sane, I realize I'm just too vulnerable.

People ask me why I cannot focus. Well, I don't know when I'm moving. I don't know when I'll be bullied again. I don't know when death will happen to the little sense of belonging I have. I am completely alone. No real stable relationships. Restlessness would be normal in my case. Really I studied SAT while playing computer games. It was the only way I would be able to focus. I normally cannot sit on a desk for 5 minute. So, I would put a game on so that I would be able to sit down and study.

I've talked to few Koreans like myself. I asked do you see the world positively? They responded how can you see the world positively? We were conditioned to be this way.

Others will see us as spoiled brats who travel a lot. Well, thats because you do not understand the side effects. My sister told me, people tell her that she is fun and friendly. However, she never was able to fit into a social group. Make close friends. Its the same with me. I make friends at an instant. However, none are close. There is no such thing as interpersonal connections. It seems though my sister has a sense of security. I had to question myself why she was different from myself. The only difference is that she had someone who understands her which was her. I on the other hand did not use my sister as person that understands me. Because to me, I was too embarrassed to  tell me sister my problems. I mean I was her older brother. I cannot show her how weak I am.

Until lately, I had shown her my instability. I feel so sorry that I am an incapable brother who is always strong. I guess too many things happened too sudden. I already knew the bubble was going to burst. I was always scared it would happen. I guess finally I guess it happened and I get to face my fears.

The fears are too great but I understand. However, understanding does not seem to help me. I really don't know how to break the cycle.

I thought dancing would help but not really. It only resolves my issue temporarily.

Maybe I'm going through on of those trials God love to give.

So, I broke my heart, broke my jaw, lost couple of friends, was about to recover, got a flu. lol WTF This semester is so horrible for me. Its been a while since I had suicidal thoughts.

This is suppose to make me stronger, but it just reminds me how I'm back to where I was. The reason for living seriously was I thought if I became a better person in general, I won't end up like the time I was so alone. Well, completely alone. I've realized the end results always the same. I'm completely alone no matter what. This is why I don't like God. He does things to me just to prove a point I'm in his control. I wonder why he always wants to control me. I mean I'm just a weird person living in Earth. I mean go control some more significant person.

I mean I like my life if you let me do things I want to do. There aren't much that I want to do, but just let me be. I mean what did I ever do to you? WTF. All I did was fking help people. I converted all those anti social kids in school to be social. I made all those shy people to be less shy. I made those friendless into friends. I protected the ones I could. I gave to depressed people. I don't understand.

Although the idea may, at its inception, seem completely counter-intuitive, the truth is that when we concentrate and focus upon giving to others, the pain of our suffering begins to weaken before disappearing completely.

From http://www.daveursillo.com/how-to-alleviate-emotional-pain-and-suffering/

This is probably what I was doing. The pain I've suffered is so much that I would focus on other people's pain so that mine would disappear.  Well, I can't do that anymore because I'm too depressed. I'm going to drink my ass off, after this essay is done.

Christianity is a very weird religion.

I do admit I really like few concepts of Christianity.

1. Accept yourself.
2. God loves you, you love yourself.
3. Be thankful.
4. Accept God's plan.

But, the problem is number 4. People tend to abuse it too much. Read this article. http://www.cbn.com/family/datingsingles/breaking-up-hard-to-do-but-possible-miser.aspx.
It says that she is breaking up to accept God's better plan. I don't understand. Faith led them there and now she wants to break up when the guy isn't even a bad person. This is just greed. Also, breaking up isn't part of God's plan. Its a choice that she is making with her own decision. She is just using God to justify her behaviors. Reason I don't fully accept Christianity. People tend to use and depend on God too much. Idk. They make choices and justify their choices as God's will or plan. Why not love yourself without God loving you? Why not make your own choices than accepting God's plans? One of my hardest struggle was God having control of my life. I wanted to do things my heart told me to, but I had people above me and God above me, trying to push me down. I screamed out my choices but nobody listened. Idk. I think its better to think God needs help and become God's helper. Do what you can to help others since God can't do everything.

keep telling yourself you won't miss anyone

I wonder how it feels like to miss someone. I used to know, but I kept saying to myself I'll never miss anyone. What is missing? My sister told me she misses me. I wonder how she felt.

Its kind of hard to find out what to say when people say I miss you. I just say me too, but I just say it as a response. I mean to be polite. I don't really know the feeling.

I've realize another thing is, I probably would end up marrying the person I date. Because, I cannot do the moving on. I've been moving on my entire life with people. So many I can't even remember their names. It will hurt a lot more if I have to move on.

Another thing is I've found myself vulnerable to lose people. I guess I've grew an attachment.

I guess its a trade off

making many new friends without being awkward is a gift. I guess its the reason why the superiors at the workplace it took part time at kept asking me how did I get so close with the co workers after few hours.

lol, they thought I already knew them from the beginning.

Another example was at the food expo. I got 4 days at the expo. I already made friends with the neighbor booths. We shared food.

However, the depth of the friendship is very low. Moreover, as soon as I get too close to someone, I find myself distancing myself. Removing myself from the interaction. I guess its a defense mechanism.

I seem to like to entertain people

I enjoy entertaining people. I don't know it makes me feel better.

I wonder why older Asian women like me.

I also I wonder why my mentality is so unique.

I wonder why its weird to receive.

There is this girl who is very smart.

She told me, in order for me to help depressed kids. I have to get out of depression. Well, its easier to get out of depression now. I'm almost there. Well its actually really hard for me. But its fine. I can do it.

Also, I need to learn to receive. I don't know it feels weird. I was raised to never owe people.

Oh yeah I also realized in order to give, I have to sacrifice getting myself from getting girl friend. People pleasing is when you want something from that person. So you're nice to them. But, I kind of don't expect much except saying in touch I guess. Well, I gave up that too actually. lol. fml. Well, whatever. I'm sacrificing all chances of getting a girlfriend. I realized I enjoy making people happy. Its just that I've been discouraged because I couldn't make the single girl I care about happy. Oh well.

There was this kid who asked the same girl out every year

There was this boy who asked the same girl out every year. Was rejected every year. Love is weird. The girl and boy are best friends. The girl always rejects the boy. Even try to stop being friends with the boy. However, the boy still asks.

I've asked the girl about why she rejects him. Well, she said she doesn't have "feelings" for him, despite the interpersonal connection both have. Its also probably because of the attractiveness of the guy. Its easy to be friends with girls, but if you lack the attractiveness, it won't work. Everyone seems to look for perfection in relationships. Well, at least for dating. If they're opponent isn't perfect, they just exchange them.

when the girl I liked told me to care about myself

I did not know how to respond. I listen to people a lot. Especially when the people I care about say to do something its hard to say no. Its just that I would regret if I don't follow their orders. I guess I'm completely on a leash. When the girl I cared about said to care about myself I did not know what to do. I guess I did follow her order. The problem was the way to protect myself was to not care about myself. I mean I am a being with absolutely no attachments even with my parents. Humans are social animals, destroying attachments makes it harder to function as a human being. Nor I am part of any specific society. So that night, I almost died. The negativity that I have concealed for years came out.

I feel a lot better now.

I kind of understand why I don't care about academics, career and etc. Since I don't care about myself there is no motivation to do well. I just do enough to get through.

But recently I've realized the power of being selfless. You can always find justifications to do well. Like I've started playing the guitar. The main purpose of playing the guitar was to cheer up people. Since I am doing this for others, I've had motivation to play. Another example is asking a girl out. I've realized if I think it in a way that it would benefit the girl, then I can ask her out. I mean I'm not shy. Most of the time I feel there is no benefit for the girl to go out with me. As for studying, I've decided to make it an escape route. In order to escape this world, I'll go study.

Well, I really don't care about myself. I mean since I don't belong anywhere. How am I better than a corpse? Just keep laughing at life lol.

Makes so much sense of who I am.

http://tckacademy.com/class/006/TCK_Academy_TCK_Selves.pdf

Nightmare

While I took a short nap I had a nightmare. I ended up sweating a lot. Today was a good day. But, I guess the price was an intense moment of fear.

It was peppero day

11/11/12.

I walked faster today

It means I'm close to going back to my original track. It means I value time. It means I'm motivated.

Also if I keep bursting my ears with music, I'll get deaf and nobody can tell me I can't do something  :) WOOT.

I realized who I can love.

I guess whoever doesn't get cheered up is the girl I would fall in love with. I get pleasure from cheering people up. Its like sex. But, if I do not cheer someone up, I'll be more interested into them. Try harder to cheer them up. So, eventually it will become something like love. But, I would have to have some interest in the girl first though. It makes sense now.

I can't read

I can barely read. I keep telling myself I read this chapter but I end up never finishing. I wonder whats wrong with me. fml. I just have to keep telling myself I can read. I feel like a retard. I feel like I'm going through rehab.

I didin't realize I would be this broken.

The thing is. I've never had people last. It was normal for me to lose relationship with people within a year or two. Its just that I believed this single person would last. I guess it was everything I wanted. It gave me a sense of belonging.

Well... I guess its normal for me to be broken. I never believed someone would last. Never. I also realized this would be the reason I'll never fall in love. Pretty faces, bright personalities, nice bodies seem to not attract me. Because they'll disappear.

I did realize that people who live in a single environment would somewhat understand the feeling I have. Well, the idea of not lasting. They have this kind of feeling when they have break ups. However, they end up missing that significant person. They can relate to me in this sense, but I've most hundreds of people, not single digit numbers. Also, like I said never miss people. Missing people is pointless. The moment you see the person for the second time, you only get disappointed. Because when you miss someone, you expect a lot from that person. You idealize them to whatever you miss. The guy or girl is imperfect but you'll remember them as perfect beings.

Yeah definitely I'm not well. I guess readers would have to deal with more of these posts until I get better since blogging is for myself. Its a small world I've created where I can be myself. Express my thoughts although they may not be sexy.

Sometimes I wish I isolated myself completely, so I do not have to tear apart relationships. I'll never end up hurting. I wish there was someone that would last. So I do not have to be restless. lol. Facebook is the only way to stay connected. The moment I deactivate my facebook, I loose whatever relationship I have.

Well.. Another problem is I've known people for too long. It will hurt me more. I tried my best to distance myself but I'm only human. Humans are social animals.

Sometimes I wish I was a robot. Or I actually didn't mind studying so I can use it as a means of escape.

Its so hard to get up.

I keep telling myself I'm good now. I'm better now. I understand everything. I'll get back up now. I'll go back to my normal routine.

Yet, it seems I am never able to go back to my normal routine. Being mentally broken and trying to study is quite insanely hard.

I'm actually having trouble saying good byes and seeing people for the second time. Its too much for some reason. Its just that its too hard to believe I can see someone for a second time. Its just not normal for me. When we make friends and say good bye. We're not suppose to see them again. Then, I see them again, I don't know how to react. I'm not used to this. I'm scared my expectation would increase. Increase to believe that it would be a lasting relationship. I have to kill that expectation. Keep telling myself this person would never again appear in my life. Just keep telling myself that. So, I won't hurt myself when I do never see that person again.

sexy dance your way through life alone. Its also time to face my fears.

So my blogger got hacked.

I wonder what is going to happen to my blogger. At the moment it is hacked by someone =.=

The project of giving.

I just want to write about this so I can read this later on. I've already briefly mentioned it before but I want to go through it with details. The project of giving was an individual social project. The idea came up one day during college freshman year. It was basically to give small stuff to cheer people up. Usually most people would just give support with words. But, I preferred to speak with action than words. The reason because I've already went through a lot of suffering before college even started. I realized others would suffer as well. But, if someone supported them, I thought it would make them a bit better. The money I spent of them was from my personal earnings. I did part time jobs from time to time. Plus, I made things which would be more meaningful.

I really did enjoy it. The art of giving definitely is a luxury. And it was the right thing to do. Rather than just watch people suffer. My mind process was, society is a dark place but it doesn't have to be if people cared.

The outcome is soso. I do not know what to say. The good outcomes are those where people thanked me. Those were the best. I pretty much didn't get anything physically back, but its fine. Thats what I expected. Just thank yous. Then, there were those cases where other people wanted stuff from me because others got it too. Those were stupid. Then, there was a case where they tried to take advantage of me. Well, I didn't let them but it was disappointing lol. Oh, not to mention it being bad for dating.

However, I've learned to adapt these problems. It was a good experience for me.

So, instead of giving materialistic goods, I've came to a conclusion I should be giving non-materialistic goods that I can produce with my skills. These would be something like singing and playing the guitar. Well, I still need to learn how to play the guitar properly but its coming.

So, with this I can properly give to people.

I also need to give up looking for gf. I realized there is no point. I won't be able to connect with others because the experience I have earned is unique and not many can relate. Besides at the moment it won't work with all this giving. The girls want a guy that would give only to her, not a guy that gives to everyone.

Let the giving continue.

Study focuses

1. Economics
2. Computer Science
    - Networking
    - AI
3. Japanese
4. Korean
5. English
6. DJ
7. Guitar
8. Dance

Disrespecting people.

It seems to people disagreeing is disrespecting them. Well, its not. There is a clear difference. I disagreed with this girl the other day. As soon as I disagreed she told me, "everyone has their own opinion and everyone has the right to share their opinion. You should keep your opinion to yourself" So... does anybody see the paradox ini this statement? I'm part of everyone too. I guess I'm not part of everyone lol. When I disrespect people, I hurt them like crazy. Insanely to be honest. That is why I hold back and be nice. If I do become mean, I'll destroy them completely.

So, I argued, if she wants to remove my rights to comment on her facebook, she should unfriend me. lol She told me it shows how I'm immature. But to me, I have the rights to comment whatever I want and there is no way for her to remove my rights except for unfriending. So, she didn't back down. Well of course I unfriended her. I mean theres really no point. I'm not even friends with her anyways. I kind of realized friendship doesn't really matter. 

Also, I've realized I'm not that nice. Apparently, I'm really good at indirectly hurting others. The problem with this is I think I'm hurting people more than being direct. Like I did this to that girl, every time I said something she got madder. I mean I wasn't sarcastic. I was meaning it really. I told her if she wants an apology, and it would make her feel better, I'll do it because it won't make me feel worst anyways. I mean I really don't mind. I mean I could do it sincerely if she asked for it. 

Well, the problem is she took everything offensively. Even the disagreement was taken as disrespect. Oh well. Life goes on. 

Human psychology is very weird.I've also had an argument that led to unfriending. Then, few weeks ago she liked my status. I do not understand. I don't get it. I do not understand women as well. Its very confusing. 

I mean I don't understand myself to the fullest, so I guess it only makes sense to not understand other people's behaviors. 

Goals in Life

Few goals in life.

-Graduate
-Go to military
-Learn to DJ
-Learn to play guitar to cheer up others
-Learn to Dance to shake things off

Long Distance Friendship

I met up with a friend from high school last week. It made me happy as well as feel really bad. I ended up puking in the bathroom before I went to meet up or rather say confront her. When I did meet up with her, I kind of didn't believe it. I had to keep doing a reality check, if she was actually there. I'm really not used to meeting up with people after I leave the country. Its just something that never happened before. Also, it seems when I say good bye, I expect to never see them again. I guess its a rule for being an international person. Never expect to see a person again. Because if you do, it would hurt you. Another rule is, never miss people. Never. As of now, I do not know the feeling of missing someone and I hate those missing you songs. I'll never admit I miss someone. Anyways, I had to distract myself. I mean meeting her was great but to be honest, I was dying inside. I'm scared of acquiring the expectation of seeing her again because the last time a girl broke my expectation I fell  in love unconditionally. Well, thankfully I made it through.

I was pretty nice to her because I'm not going to see her again. But, I do find it really funny how she took it for granted and showed disrespect. I guess its basically because her father spoils her very much. Well, I don't really mind because I refused most of her requests. I mean I'm well mannered and nice. I like to do things for others when they don't request it. The moment they try to put me on a leash, I do not appreciate it. The reason why I'm nice is because I realized you don't want to regret when people disappear. You want to thank and do your best for the other being before they leave. Well, this is a great problem because most people do not understand my behaviors. Its not normal.

Well, my irrational behavior will end after this semester. This was my personal project of giving and being nice. When college started I realized a lot of people will be struggling and fight loneliness. I wanted to give them something to maybe cheer them up a bit, expecting nothing in return. Well, I also wanted to show them people do care about them. Well, I'll say this project was a semi failure. Well, it was a good learning experience of life. I'm looking forward to tell stories about it to my children.

The end result is. The people who I did care about did not reciprocate the care. Well only two person did. The people who I didn't not have to care about cared for me. For those people, I tried my best to reciprocate the care. I thanked them a lot. Most people would think I'm just crazy. Also, I had couple of strangers do me favors without expecting anything for return. Those strangers meant a lot to me. They are significant beings.

Then again I myself is pretty different.

I wonder why I am this way?
But, I realized I'm still human. I suffer from having a bit of an expectation. I mean I told myself to expect nothing, absolutely nothing. But, I guess I do expect a little like saying thank you. I understand now why Jesus was a superior being and I understand why he was in so much pain. Most people keep talking about the pain Jesus Christ went through. Well, most people do not understand exactly how it feels because nobody is selfless. Then, I realized how many people are seeking God because of a broken relationship. I think thats stupid. Most people only pray for themselves and focus on how God loves only themselves. This is why I hate seeking God when your weak. You tend to pray for only yourself. I think its better to pray for others.

But that can only happen if your strong.

I made a mistake. I shouldn't have seek God for help. Well, thankfully I did not pray for myself.

This depression thing sucks balls

Sorry, I'm like suffering from panic attacks so it was better for me to not interact with people. Interaction with people seems very complicated.

I've decided to break my relationship with God. Well, unless I'm praying for other people. 

I did this like twice already, but I forgot why I did this. Through this retarded issue of mine I've realized why I broke relationship with God. Ok, I hate people who try to put a leash on me. Basically I hated my parents as well as God. I just hate the feeling of having a leash. Its quite funny how fked up God is when he wants to prove a point that he controls me. 

He made me break every relationship I have by making me move around. He showed me that I cannot avoid death. He also proved that I have no control over deciding my future by sending me into an engineering school when I've been preparing myself for a business or law school. 

I guess having a leash on my neck made me weak. 

Well once more I'm going to use hatred for society to become better. Pretend I'm dead. I wonder why God always make me do this. Living is such a pain but oh well. 

Also I'm never having attachments with anything except my headphones

Fk

I've promised myself to never trust people, even family. But apparently, I've seem to have created bonds with people. It is the only human thing to do, make bonds with other humans because humans are social animals. I must take my time and remove every bond.

lol Its actually my first time knowing people for a long time.

Lists of Guilts

These are just few things I feel guilty of. Its been haunting me. 

1. Not meeting my parents' expectation

2. Falling in love with someone I should have not 

3. Causing too much trouble to friends

4. Making my sister look up to me too much

5. I'll have to break my promise with God because of 4.

These are things I cannot fix. lol I wonder what happens if you break your promise with God.

Idk God, I'll sexy dance with you k? 

Just to balance things out...

Sorry for being too emotional. I really do not mean it. So... to balance out the negativity. The blogger will admit something.

I am a professional stripper.

I mean not those strippers who do stripping for cash. I strip in my house and in my dorm. I'm wearing clothes one second. The next, I'm stripped with only my boxers on. I guess its just a bad habit lol. I do wish to get abs as soon as possible so I can start my stripping career in public lol.

What's happing to the blogger.

I'll take a moment to tell you what really happened. I guess these recent blog posts describe my true self, a weak person that likes to victimize oneself to earn pity. Its a way that human beings use to feel better for their failures. At the moment, I'm using this as well. Though it may sound pathetic it does help a bit. Overall its the same story, its just that something triggered it.

To start off, I do have a complicated issue of moving on. From a very early age, I've been moving on. I said hello and good byes in around 11 to 12 different environments and group of people. These are few hundreds of people I've met and parted. None have ever last. From an early age, I've learned to never trust anyone to last. Its pretty cold hearted, but it was one way to defend myself from feeling the pain every few years. If you don't expect anything, there is no reason to be hurt. I've also gone through a lot of bullying. My parents also condemned and ignored my existence for being academically retarded. Then, one of my parents almost died, spewing a lot of blood. So that has completely removed my trust for my parents to be there for me. For few years, I've stopped trusting anyone. However, last Christmas, I met a person from the past. I did not expect her to appear again. Actually this is my third time, our paths in life have crossed. To me, this girl was very significant. She is the only person that came back from the past. Also, she wanted me to trust her in the sense that she will not disappear. Trusting her made me very happy. It was my first time trusting someone for a long time. However, the problem appeared when she started dating someone who did not care for her. This girl was always sad and I asked her to break up, but she just ignored me. Also, I could not make her happy, no matter what I do, because its how she is when she is depressed. I gradually begun to feel the inability to make others happy. Eventually, she had a bad break up. Became an alcoholic. From her behavior patterns, every break up she seems to destroy herself. So, I've asked her out. For myself and for hers. However, it did not go well. She decided to leave and I've tried to stop her from doing so even guilt tripping her. After that I felt extreme guilt and blamed myself for the destruction of our relationship as friends. Moreover, I was not able to thank her for her time and care. The inability to thank her, reminded me when my dad was in the hospital. So, everything that happened few years ago came back. The immense fear I felt, the inability to do anything. Everything. The night I was alone. 

After few weeks, I did send her a message thanking her. Even still, I do feel the pain. I was just too happy that someone came back from the past and it broke my belief. lol I was waiting for someone to break it. Well for now, I'm back to where I was. Don't trust anyone. I just hope she does get married though, because she always dreamed about a wedding. I do not know how she will deal with it when nobody wants to marry her because of her age. Its just how Asia is. After a certain age, guys loose interest in girls who are in their 30s. 

Also, I've been doing a project after I entered college. It was to help depressed fellow friends. I thought if I placed some effort, I could help people. Basically, I've been sending mountains of packages to people who were depressed because of family issues, friendship issues, lose of something important, loneliness, girlfriend issues and etc. I just wanted to help them get out of their depression. Because to me, helping other is the moral thing to do. I do wish I was physically there for them but since I could not, sending packages was everything I could do. It was fine until recently, the results were disappointing. I was happy to give and receive thank yous. That was all I expected from people. I never expected anything in return except for keeping in touch. Maybe have lunch together once in a while. However, the results were very disappointing. I've found people who tried to use me for their benefits. This is something I could not appreciate. I do things for others with my free will, not because they want me to. Once they start making me do things, I feel very disrespected and disappointed. lol. 

Recently, I've destroyed couple of relationships, because Multi Level Marketing. To me, harming others is the greatest sin that one could cause. The people who have joined MLM is tricking people and harming others by giving them false hope that they can get rich fast and easy. Basically stealing money. To me, it was important to get my friends out of there. Its something you shouldn't do as a human being no matter how desperate you are for money. It was none of my business, but to me it was the correct thing to do. We've ended up arguing. As a result, I've lost couple of so called friends. It was quite painful. 

I've also broke my jaw. I cannot chew properly. 

Everything has crippled me. Too much happened all at once. Pushed me to the limits. Yet, I cannot get help physically. I'm stuck in this dorm, unable to do anything. I thought, if I tried hard enough, I could change things. However, this belief has been crushed. I'm in the process of accepting defeat. However, through this process, I did learn a lot about myself. 

The problem is that now I'm too depressed to function as a human being. I'm trapped inside this infinite loop of inability to do anything my heart tells me to. What is the point of having a heart, when you cannot follow it? Every other fellow being would do things to destroy whatever I dream of. What is the point of having promises, when promises are only kept if only the other benefits from it? Why do I spend the effort of making friends, when I loose everything? 

I was trying my best to fight against everything. I gave it my all and now I am retreating. I'm exhausted. Mentally deprived. 

lol I still cannot believe after I showed care and kindness, couple of people just wants to use me every chance they came across. Its scary how people are so greedy. Maybe its my fault for being kind. 

Well, I'm going to go back to my black hole. I'll come out of it after few months. I've tried my best to laugh it off. I have failed. So readers please do bear with me. 

Don't judge me on this. I've only made this blog as a space where I can spam my feelings and thoughts. It is where I express every depressing thoughts and emotions I have. I've created this blog for me to read it later on. Not for others.

I'm actually tired of being funny. I've been funny because nobody likes sad and weak people.  Every time I move, I had to be funny or else, I cannot make friends. Well now it has became a habit. Well, fk it.

Standing

This would be my facebook cover if I ever got back to facebook again. I'm taking a short break from contacting people. Facebook is everything to me. Yes I sound like a myspace bitch, but its true. Every relationship I have is long distance. Cell numbers change, people move to other countries, and sometimes we just forget people. Friends become strangers. Facebook kind of prevents this. It keeps friends updated with each other. Also it gives hope that friends won't change and become strangers. I think its time that I accepted that everyone is going to change and Facebook only gives an illusion of you knowing what is going on with other peoples life and they'll be the same. Well, its time to accept nobody is going to stay the same, even I.

However, I do have couple of friends who can spend their life with me. I'm very thankful. Its something I could have never imagined.

Anyways, I've created this collection of photos called "standing." When we walk, we always look ahead. Always looking at the future we are headed to. Then we take a look back. We look at our foot steps, the past we been through. However, we do not look at where we are standing. So I've decided to take few pictures of where I am standing for the whole day. I've been standing on the subway, grass, way to class, escalators in the mall, below the trees and in the bathroom. Literally, finding out where I am standing. lol

I kind of understand why people say, live the present.

One of my greatest joy of life.

The inner emotions are the ones that you do not want to show others, because your afraid others will call you a freak or you are scared your weakness would be abused by others. Once you show it, your vulnerable. Everyone knows how to hurt you inside. So, a lot of people prefer to hide their inner emotions. I still do. Who would care enough? Everyone is busy living their life.

But, I do enjoy letting these emotions out. I do wish I had a better mechanism for expressing these emotions. Letting emotions out is really relieving, when your always constraining yourself. Many people have different ways of letting out emotions. A lot of the Koreans go drinking. To a lot of Koreans alcohol is a way to punish themselves and let their inner emotions out. They drink as if they want to kill themselves drunk. As they become drunk, they are too weak to constrain their emotions. However, I've tried this once and it led to too many burden to people I know. Then again this could have been my true self.

At the moment, I've found another way of awakening my emotions in a healthy matter. Its by listening to piano music. I enjoy listening to Jim Brickman, Yiruma, Helen Jane Long and of course Beethoven. Somehow I feel that sad songs have the greatest impact on me. I also like those songs that have hope in it. A dark background and a bright melody that is weak at the beginning but gets stronger. These songs somewhat heal me inside, while it lets my emotions out.

Walking around alone with music is one of my greatest joy of life.
Each song gives a different view of life and my surrounding. 

Christmas is coming...

The nearer it gets to Christmas, the weaker I become. Christmas always have been a two edged sword. Its does bring happiness, but the pain is immense. It just brings out so much emotions that I cannot function properly as a human being. All my inner fears are brought out.

Christmas is very meaningful to me. Well, in a semi good way. It gives me second chances to see someone of value. Someone from the past that was thought to be gone forever. However, it also means that I would not see that person in the future.

I guess I have mixed feelings for Christmas. Well, for this year, I'll be at my dorm alone. My plans are to go to the aquarium and say Hi  to the whale sharks. Just sit there watching the whales for a bit.

Then, I go back home and drink hot choco.

Power of Asian Parents

Asian parents are crazy. They are like holy crusaders. They are mad people. Well, at least for our generation our parents are all of above. (This is the i-generation btw for those people who would read this post in the future.) Our Asian parents believe that some divine spirit has order them to give everything to their children. Their purpose in life is just to give us everything. They're only pleasure is watching us grow up and eventually find independence.

I do not understand.

I think our parents are irrational. Even if the children's love is not reciprocate of those of the parents, the parents always love their children. It really makes no sense. Then again, love is something that makes no sense. The only thing irrational in this world is love. Love makes people go against reasoning. As cliche as it is, love does make us human.

In most cases where the children parents do not talk to each other, its just that both parties have difficulty expressing their love. I do blame the parents because for a child, the parent is the role model for observant learning. If the parents fail to give a good example of how to express love, the children would also have difficulty. So, in the end, the parent is unable to show his or her love, the children also cannot. As time goes on, parent and child, distance themselves. However, no matter what kind of parent or child he or she is, they do love each other.

I do know how it feels to hate your parents. In elementary school, when I was bullied, I didn't mind because I had my parents. In high school, when I was bullied, I didn't have my parents. To me, my parents betrayed my trust. I needed a single person to comfort me, but my parents didn't. They didn't like my grades even though I was doing my best. It was difficult for me as I have not learned Korean properly and I tended a local elite school. I've absorbed the negativity inside and outside of my comfort zone. Also, I still hate my dad for making me always worry.  I guess I hate him because I love my dad.

After reading this post, you still think you don't love your parents. Well, trust me, you'll notice it but it would be too late... So I am telling you now, you do love your parents.

Another thing to think about is, what kind of parent would I be? As of now, I really do not want to be a parent. It seems like too much responsibility. Plus, I have not yet found someone I could love. Distance has always been a problem for me, as I do move around a lot. I wonder if I could find someone where the trust is so strong that distance does not matter.

I'll dream on haha

Bad Girl, Nice Girl, Bad Boy, Nice Boy

This has been on the internet for a while. Basically it shows that nice girls love cats, Nice girls love bad boys. Bad girls love rich fat guys. This kind of explains all those fat guys on the streets with hot chicks. The nice poor guy ends up not having anything. Well, I guess this is somewhat true for our society.

However, the problem with this picture is how do we define bad girl, nice girl, bad boy, bad girl? There is no objectivity. Anyone can become a bad girl by rejecting someone because that someone is not her taste. Then again, anyone can become a bad boy because he rejected someone. 'Anyone can became a bad girl or bad boy. Its just how the system works apparently. I do lack knowledge on relationships because I prefer to distance myself from everyone. Well, until recently, when I became mentally weak because I ended up watching someone go through misery.

Psychologically, people seem to like people who are interested by a lot of people of the opposite sex. I have a guy friend A who used to go out with friend B. I've talked to friend B for a bit and talked about her interest in friend A. She replied that she wants to see guy A to date another girl and after that she wants him. This makes no sense to me. Friend B loves everything about Friend A, his looks, height, personality and etc. The only reason she decided not to go out with Friend A again is because Friend A hasn't gotten into another relationship. Well, as for Friend A, he goes to an engineering school. The same school as I'm going to. From my experience, meeting girls in our school is very hard. Making friends who are girls is a challenge, but finding girls you would like to be your girl friend is even harder. Friend A and I would joke about how we're still single. Well, the thing is we are both quite out going. I know a lot of people. I would have to keep waving my hand because I know so many people. I really think girl B is being dumb. Does she really want to watch A love someone else? I've done it before and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.

Just brought this up because its a quite funny description of our society

착한여자 = nice girl
나쁜여자 = bad girl
착한남자 = nice guy
나쁜남자 = bad guy

Bullying is Bullsh*t

I guess this is what I'm going through most of the time. It really is hard get yourself out of it. Especially you weren't bullied in just school. When your both bullied at a school as well as by your parents, its really hard to believe in yourself. It really brainwashes you to stop believing in yourself.

This is the real reason why I'm a bit more negative than a lot of people. Now I talk about bullying as if its a joke and as of now, nobody can bully me because I'm physically stronger than them. I might as well talk about the psychological state on this blog post. The world is just dark. You hate to go to school, you hate every break you get in school, you hate the way to and back to school. Those are the intervals when bullies try to get you. My way of adapting to the situation was just keep it low and just avoid. Fighting back wasn't a choice because I did not want my parents involved in this. I'll cause pain for my parents and I'll also receive peer rejection. From observation of people who were bullied and if their parents got involved, the bullied kid was ignored by the whole classmates. Asking for help also was not a option. I was new to school and I barely know anyone in Korea. I could ask the teacher for help but then again by asking for help, I become the special child. I wouldn't be able to fit in with everyone.

So, basically, I just kept it to myself and tried my best to fit in school. Eventually I did fit in. The problem during the process, I've thought about killing myself many times. Every bridge I see or subway that pass by it was a choice for me. I could choose to live or die. But, then again, I would just imagine the process of dying and how painful it would be. I also thought about how I'll be causing pain for my parents. My way of coping with this was to just stop caring about myself mentally. That is why I became selfless.

I can't be happy, but then nobody can hurt me mentally.

However, thankfully I still do enjoy making people laugh. Sadly, when it comes to expressing negativity towards something, I hurt myself mentally. Since I cannot forward it others.

One thing I noticed about bullying campaign. They don't realize adults aren't the only people that can help. Students should be educated to help peers who are bullied. Adults helping works negatively but peers helping does actually work. Well, for my children, I'll teach them that they should care for others who are being bullied.

Its quite funny how I used to always be the one that help new comers to school adapt into the school.

Personal Problem

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080604063421AAekGGl

This is my greatest problem right now. I'm getting weaker everyday because I care about others. Every time I have to care about someone I go through insecurity and severe depression. Caring really drains the life out of me. I can't stop worrying and eventually I end up doing things for others. I mean to me it is the right thing to do. Help people, but its making me more depressed. I did a lot of things for others. When people were going through trouble, I did my very best to help them, whether it was loneliness, girlfriend/boyfriend problem, death of a family member, friendship problems, financial problems. These are just categories... if I go through the specifics, its pretty crazy how much time and money I spent on people. Giving is a luxury and it sometimes does give me pleasure. I really did enjoy it and expected nothing in return. Absolutely nothing. When I do get something in return, I was pretty amazed. I guess I have very low expectation of people. However, I think I'm on my limits...

Even if you say you don't expect anything, its really hard. I'm not Jesus or Buddha. I'm a human being,  I worked for the gifts I sent people. I wasted my time suggesting ideas and worrying. I also hate people that take advantage of nice people. It really hurts me a lot. Whether its financial or emotional.

I wish I had the power to watch people suffer. They tell me their problem and I would just tell them its your fault. Its cruel but its really their fault, there is nobody to blame. I am not God and I can't change anything. I can only give support. I'm starting to realize my support is meaningless to a lot of people because sometimes I do need someone. But, very few people care.

I'll be going to sleep again since in dreams, I don't have to care about anyone.

Being a pessimist

I wonder how I became a pessimist. I was actually very bright and happy.
Everything changed after I was in highschool in Korea.

After that I was always like this.

One of a Kind.

Today I'm going to share you this gift I'm going to send for a friend.

Its the album called one of a kind. This is what you get if you purchase the cd.

haha I'm really not into buying music but I do it if its a gift.

You get a bunch of pictures

The big cd.

That is it.

This post looks really odd.

Should you care?

This will be a short post as I am busy cramming for my test tomorrow. I will fail because I am not myself. I think I'm having panic attacks. Everyday I have to go through these intense moments of fear. For some reason I'm just scared. Most of the time, I just have to think about sexy dances and I'm fine. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder. Well, I'm going to visit the school counselors. Maybe I'll feel better.

Anyways, my question is should you care about others? I care a lot about others that sometimes I risk friendship. Say if your friend suddenly started drinking alcohol, started drugs, started smoking or something that you would see that is harmful for your friend, would you care enough to stop them?

As for me, if I know its going to end bad. I will risk friendship. Sometimes you get good results and sometimes you get bad results. To be honest, you get a lot more bad results because people only think of the present. They enjoy what they are doing now, and don't think of the consequences of the future. The things people do to look cool and for money is pretty pathetic.

I wish I could stop caring. It does take a lot of effort and needless thoughts. However, as of now, even if I tell myself I would stop caring, it seems to not work.As soon as I'm done with college. I'll be deleting my facebook. Facebook is the only way I would be connected to my friends, but I will keep caring about people if I keep talking to them. The problem is that I feel guilty for not being able to be there for them. The guilt is always there for some reason.

I guess it will keep piling up if I don't change the way I think.

btw I bought the One of Kind will be posting that up soon.

Arguments.

Having arguments with smart people is hard. Sometimes you have to give in and it is a good thing. We have logically came to a conclusion. The problem is when you have arguments with stupid people. When I say stupid people, its not about a college degree or education, its about their way of engaging in arguments they care about.

School teaches you to debate. It doesn't teach you how to argue and eventually give in or make the opponent give in. It doesn't teach you to realize that your not right. It doesn't teach you to reflect on what you did. Most people just forget and just remain the same instead of learning from arguments.

I did have few arguments with friends due to the fact I am over protective. Well, I have been over protective for these reasons. To me, their behavior seemed as if they had no control over it. Its like me watching porn. I have no control over it. Well, the thing is that porn doesn't really harm me. Psychologically a bit as studies show, but nothing really much. But, when people start calling alcohol their happiness and show obsession over it. It worries me a lot. Regular drinkers, we don't emphasize drinking is happiness. We don't really talk about it. We don't post pictures on facebook of glasses of alcohol. Another argument was on MLM. The person didn't show any neutrality. I mean even religious people doubt God sometimes. Yet, they don't doubt MLM. Its like a cult.

So... people when they argue. They use everything to make themselves feel they are better than you. They will mention random college degrees, knowledge, and eventually use their age. I am older than you, so I know more things. Well, whatever. I do look up at older people a lot. I want to learn from their experience, which I have not yet learned about, especially death. However, they anyways disappoint me. Adults my ass. When you can't be responsible, your not an adult. Your just a kid who pretends to be an adult. Thinking that your an adult because you had sex, drink alcohol, go for prostitution, do drugs, and etc. Thanks for setting a good example of yourselves. It just shows that I can't live clean. So Thanks for telling me that. Here is one of Joel's video. I liked it a lot. Using age as an argument is the worst idea ever.

After people use age to bs their ways. When they are cornered in an argument because they know they are doing something wrong. They start using pathos in a very bad way. Just like my mom did. You say the most hurtful thing to your opponent. The problem is that I take these very seriously. Every word, I do take it personal and I do accept every  one of it. Because sometimes, they are very true. But sometimes they say the worst thing ever. I really hate when this stage of the arguments happen. Its time to decide whether you want to keep your friendship or just fk it. Well, the argument now has become a fight. Its about hurting the other. No matter what I say, it doesn't mean anything. They just want to hurt you as much as possible.

That is when you just give up. Go watch more porn, go clubbing, listen to loud music, play video games, and sleep. Hate yourself for caring. Ask yourself why do you even care?

Eventually the pain might disappear.
Eventually the guilt of not helping a friend follow the correct path might go away.
Eventually I'll realized I did my best and be happy.
Eventually they will realize why I tried so hard.
Maybe they'll tell me I was right and thank me for trying.
I think that probably would never happen.

*Note to myself: Don't talk to people. 

Money... There is always other ways..

I'm just going to go over a boring topic on money. Well, whatever I say won't be credible because I probably didn't go through what everyone else have been through. But, I really don't care. I'm kind of fed up getting hate for caring. So its really up to you to decide.

Money and I have a hate/love relationship, starting from an early age. You know how when you have a older sister or younger sibling you have jealousy issues? You always think  your parents care more about your siblings more than you. Well, for me I had this relationship with money. Kind of funny right? I couldn't help it. My mom was cheap. She would try to save every cent she could. She would do anything to save money. No matter how little the amount is. If it costs money, I would have to give up. I would always get huge shoes that never fit. Just wore clothes the school gave out. Sometimes buy pants. Sometimes buy tshirt. I would wear something other for a week and I wouldn't have anything to wear. I guess I had like 2 pairs of pants, and like 8 tshirts? We did eat out a lot, but it was in those cheap discounted food places. Really, you would be amazed how much semi good food you can get from discounted places. Hanging out friends costed money as well. Well, we screwed that. The thing is, I felt my parents would do anything for money. Even replace me with money. So, this is how I started hating money. Then a girl I liked, dated a guy just because he was rich. Actually fell in love with him and eventually had a breakup. It was the most painful thing I had to go through. She would believe a rich guy than a friend. Few friends joined the MLM system that would not really work. Even if it worked for them, they are harming others. So, I can't be friends with them. My principles are clear. I can't harm others, I can't also friends who would harm others. They joined because of money. Brainwashed because of money. And again they won't even listen to a friend because they are blinded by money. Blinded by love is more like blinded by money these days.Then again I have to love money. Yes I was blinded by money as well.

Because of my cheap mother, I've always thought more money was more happiness. However, I did realize money wasn't the answer to happiness. Its really about how you think. As long as you think in a positive way, you can be happy, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

However, back then I did love money. Well, I guess I do now as well but for very different reasons. My first love was in another country. I didn't have money to get plane tickets so this never worked out. That is the reason I loved money. I thought one day if I can get enough money, I can change things and have more control of my life. Well, that never happened as of now. I also thought I could be happier with materialistic goods. hahaha actually, the only reason I studied in high school was I wanted to gain independence from my parents.  I dreamed of getting a room and being able to play computer games everyday. Well, that didn't happen and my interest changed.

Now, there is two different reasons. First, personal reasons. I need to dress well. It really helps my problem with low confidence. I mean it feels nice when I wear nice things. The second reason is I kind of want to help others. Well, actually I hate helping people because I really do get no gains from it. Better relationships with friends? Fk no. They forget everything and take it for granted. Really I'm not gaining anything. Absolutely nothing in return. It also pisses me off how people would listen when it involves money. The girl that was in MLM, she started listening when I told her I'll give her the amount she paid. That brought her back to her senses. I decided to reduce the price because right now isn't a very good time for me financially. But, I can't believe she still wants something from me lol. wtf she should be thanking me for bringing her into her sense. Well, I decided to make it multiple small gifts because it would be easier for me.

Sadly, I can't help myself. But I am stopping all this helping others thing this december. I'm tired of it. And I'm going to stop caring about others. That is my goal in life. Stop caring.

Anyways, what I really wanted to say was, money isn't everything in your life. Just make sure that you save enough to have some sort of emergency money. That is the most important thing. Emergency money. You really shouldn't be too greedy. Don't ever think of fast easy money. It always comes with a string. It could be losing family, friends, and relationships. Hard work does pay off really. The reason I have so much respect for my dad is because his parents were farmers who lost everything to gambling  He came to Seoul with nothing literary. Somehow he managed to feed himself. Somehow he joined a company that send him to foreign countries. Somehow he climbed the social ladder. This somehow is all because he worked hard.

So stop becoming a victim of money.


Sorry this post isn't so well written, was very sleepy