Pimples are annoying. I need to fix my life. Can't believe I placed myself in such position. I'll just think of it as a detour. As long as I don't give up, I win.

I've met some really nice people these days. Some dude offered couple of cigarettes at the club.  Probably over heard our conversation. Well, not mine but my friend's. Everyone is going through a lot of crap. I don't smoke but I do when I feel like it. But smoking is bad for you. Just a side note, don't smoke before eating spicy food. Makes your food taste like crap. The other day I was in the Korean mart looking for medicine for pimples. I don't know been stressed and the pimples were going out of control. Anyways, this lady overheard my conversation with the person who works at the department store. She suggested me medicine and she even offered to give it to me for free if I lived near duluth. That was really nice of her and when I got back I googled the medicine. It costed like few couple hundred bucks ^^... Her brother probably used it but still.. she just offered me a couple of hundred bucks when I don't even know her. I talked to her on kakao talk and she was really nice.


Feels good inside.


Its true though, the mindset starts to colors your vision. Sometimes I struggle to see the goodness of this world. Its not like I don't try. I go out and open my eyes wide as I can, just to see something beautiful. Nothing comes in though. I don't know what to do about this. Imaginations seem to create hell. Only see the negativity of this world. Another thing is I seem to fear people. I mean there is no reason for me to fear them exactly. I'm bigger and stronger than most people. Its just that imaginations create people into creatures that are threatening. Its either this or imagine people dead. I'm hoping after the marines, my mindset would change. Maybe it would cure my vision of seeing people as monsters or dead. Maybe if I go to the marines, I could not lose to monsters. Maybe monsters would fear me.

I really don't know what to do with this mindset.

Depression
- Live in the future
- Create cycles
- Isolated from people
- Care a lot
- "Never good enough"
- Unstable relationship with parents
- Bad Childhood
- Bad sensitivity management
i.e. People are suppose to experience death of their grand parents then their parents. It reduces the sensitivity because they've been exposed to it. But, experiencing parents' dead before the grandparents will cause issues.
its really about the order how things occur.
- Hating yourself

I'll do anything to get out of this. The problem is I'm really bad at showing I'm not feeling good. I'm too used to presenting to others the happier self. Like when I had the chicken pox, I acted so normal that the doctor thought it was a bug bite. Obviously since it was treated late, I had to go through the worst of the chicken pox. My friend told me, who is also depressed, that in the future we'll both be better... He doesn't understand we're going to be the same after years, unless we know how to be happy now. He thinks a marriage would solve our problem. It won't. I'm pretty sure of it. He doesn't see the picture. I tell him he needs to watch out for people. He talks about how he was careful of a girl from the streets who asked for donations. No... he doesn't realize the trust within is the real problem. How you're suppose to watch out for people you trust, because if you never trusted someone from the start you'll never be hurt, but if you trusted someone, then you'll get hurt. I don't know.. he kind of worries me. I mean his best friend is only using him. It doesn't matter if tell him or not, he is just blinded. I hate when people become blinded. So was I blinded. It was my first time. I could not help myself I saw someone come alive from the dead. Nobody came out of the dead before.  Man its getting harder to see people alive.

1. School; Study ; Military ; Study ; Job -; Grad school
2. School ; Military ; Study; Job ; Grad school

I guess I'll go with choice number 1. Since I only learn from the past. Then, 

Goal: Graduate College. 
Plans: 
1. Pass this semester Graduate.
2. Fail:
     a. Military
     b. Study/get more experience in coding
     c. Come back to college
     d. Graduate.
Expectation: Degree. What to expect in Computer Science. 


Goal: Improve physical health
Plan: Go to military
Expectation: Health. Anger. 

Goal: Get better at Programming
Plan: 
Languages to study- 
1. PHP
2. ASP
3. JSP
4. JQuery
5. CSS
6. html5
7. xml
8. ccna
9. ccnp
10. SIS
11. Java
12. Databases mysql
13. C
14. C++
15. Ocjp (Important)
16. Ipic (Important)

Areas to study
1. Networking
     *Databases
     *Data structures
     *

2. Artificial Intelligence
    *Practice with AI competitions

3. User Interface
    *Read a lot.
    *Read all the books recommended in the Gatech cs courses
    *http://www.catalog.gatech.edu/colleges/coc/ugrad/comsci/threads/degreq/mod-sim-people.php
    *http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/electrical-engineering-and-computer-science/

4. Computer Architecture.
    *Read.

Brain Work
    *Just do a lot of algorithm problems.

Weakness
    *Programming.
    *Figuring things on my own.
    *Slow in understanding program structure
    *Implementation of the concepts

Strengths
    *Learn from the past.
    *Concepts are easily understood.
    * Reusing information I've learnt.
    * Observant learning. 

Things I need
    * CS programming books
    * 2x Wide screen monitor
    * Sofa instead of a bed.
    * Airconditioner.
    * Fridge
    * A room
    * Headphones
    * Printer
    * Desk

Overcoming the weakness. Since I'm bad at figuring things out, I should just get exposed to a lot of the programs already written. I guess that is a good plan. Since I'm a observant learner, watch youtube videos on programming or get extra lectures with Korean tutors.

Expectations: Proficiency in get a job.

Estimated Time Period: 2-3 Years.
Current Age: 21.
Age after military: 23.
Age after Goal reached: 25-26.

Internship:???
Graduate school:???  

Doubts: Would this work? What is my backup plan? Am I confident it will work? Would I be able to compete with the people already in the workforce?

Answer: Depends how much I get pissed off at the military. So, depends how many people beat me up in the military. Depends if negativity takes over or I win. But for sure, wanting to study and forced to study are two different thing. College was forced. After college, its my free will. I just wish my parents will fuck off and let me do my own thing. Idk if they controlled me for doing something bad, I really won't mind. Its just that they expect things that they never helped me construct. I can't just be smart instantly. It takes time and investments. Plus, they keep adding needless fears. I don't know. My head hurts because I have to consider all these plans to get to the goal. I don't even know if its humanly possible. Just do it. Its not like I have a choice anyways. Fuck negativity drains you a lot more than I thought it would. Idk Fuck Implementation and planning is different. FUCK would I be lazy? Idk Just really hope the military is the shittiest place in the world.

Idk I'm blaming my parents for living in that shitty apartment. I can't focus.


Question: Why am I continuing Computer Science if I suck balls at it -.-. I don't even enjoy computer science. WTF. I'm just retarded. Yeah.. I'm just stupid. For sure... I'm stupid... Yup... I'm stupid. I have no idea what's going to happen to the future.

Goal: Fix Depression
Plan: 
Its quite impossible. Do I have to live like this? 
I'll get a dog.
Music.

Expectations: Nothing. 
Problem with depression: Impossible to concentrate. Can't see objectively. Likely to drain other people.

Academic thoughts
Just some reflection on my academic failures. I don't know.. I'm just demotivated. I seem to purposefully create failures. I'm just crazy I guess.

Math: Prepare before class
Networking: Record lectures
American Gov't: Do the readings

Random thoughts
One thing about America I like is that they have a lot of weird stuff on sale on the internet. I find creating stuff really fun. I don't know, it helps a lot when I'm depressed. The thing is when you're depressed, You start to believe you can't do anything. Creating little stuff helps to believe you can do things. Helps you believe in yourself.

Inner thoughts
My personality is suppose to mature by age 25. I guess I'm still in the stages of development. I guess these few years will be vital periods of my life. Can't believe how much the past influences the present. I've realized humans have to acquire a lot of different coping mechanism in order to survive. I should learn to stop punching the wall when I shower. I almost broke my fist today. My grammar is horrible due to over thinking. Well.. last semester, I over thought to the point to I can't do anything. Hopefully its getting better. I've realized my thinking process is completely different.  

Just a side note. It kind of annoys me how people think having natural human psychological behavior is wrong. "They just want attention" Well... every body does. Why do you think people post of facebook everyday? Why do you think people post what they eat on facebook? Lets stop being hypocrites. Everyone wants attention. Everyone does expect things in return. Everyone is selfish. We're suppose to be selfish. Another thing is, I have a hard time figuring out how miserable someone is. I tend to think my misery is more important than others. Well... after reflection I regret that mistake.

One thing I don't understand is why am I so caring? I seem to care about strangers. What conditioning have I gone through? It bothers me. I really don't mind its just I feel that its uncontrollable. I can't help everyone. That is the conclusion I came to. I've realize just because I'm miserable doesn't mean everyone is. Another thing I've realized misery really depends on the amount of love you have, not the wealth. I mean if wealth defines happiness, lottery winners should be the happiest people yet they commit suicide. You get my point? Idk I've realized its hard not to judge people, but its true we shouldn't judge people with the wealth they have. My friend's dad owns a lot of things in new york. He doesn't have anything that I would consider extravagant. If I never knew he was my friend's dad, I probably thought he was poor.

I should go back to blog about more stuff rather than my thoughts. It just helps me write my stuff down here. I used to have a diary. Well.. it was more like diary where I loved a single girl for like years. lol. Well love never mattered. It never does. Idk fuck... What should I do? Getting smarter is very important, its just that I want to get smarter later. Idk I just don't feel like it. Yeah... I know it sounds stupid but, I don't do things when I don't feel like it

My parents told me that they'll support me on living in isolation and studying computer science. That is great news for me because its just hard to do something when you parents are the ones telling you to quit. I'm quite happy for them supporting me with this decision. In the past they thought I was stupid so they didn't bother helping me out. I hope I do not disappoint them. Maybe I'll become something. I actually want to get better because I suck at it now and I want to be cocky.

I can't believe I showed my best friend my true face. That was horrible. I've tried to hide myself as much as possible. Through the masks. I couldn't believe the inner demons would make me so depressed to the point that I'll start showing the true identity I've tried to conceal. Well, the inner self burst opened. But I can still smile it means I'm still ok. I know because there are people who can't smile.

I've managed to fend off my depression enough so that I can prepare for exams. The negativity over takes me a lot these days. I have to catch up a lot during spring break. I'm just exhausted. Breaking my jaws as well as going loosing someone significant is very painful mentally as well as physically. I don't know what did I do so that nobody can last? lol What did I do in the past that made me have not a single physical relationship last. Too many people disappeared. Hmm.

This cycles are killing me. They all start the same end the same. All these thoughts running and running and running. All these useless thoughts and emotions.

I can't believe I've hurt someone. I remembered why I distance myself. I know this is one of those unrealistic expectations but how can I hurt someone? I feel like crap. Why am I so useless. How many more people do I have to see suffer. Thanks God for the gift of imaginations and reading emotions. Fuck him for making me do things that I do not wish to do. He has me on strings. fml...


Man....

Today I got to buy coffee for a friend of mine who helped out when I injured myself skateboarding. Idk it felt really good. I should get him something better but I don't have much at the moment. I don't know I'm low on cash. Man whatever. I keep owing people. fml. Just few more people to go. Then... I'll be free! Fuck yeah.

Pretending to be Jack Sparrow is so much fun. Man... I can't wait until I get to go clubbing again. Nobody likes Asians but oh well XD jkies. If you party hard enough girls start asking you for a dance. Idk they keep asking when I don't feel like it.  Idk I do ask girls out once in a while well on those days, just ask every girl.

What is the cure?

I've realized, if someone has trust issues, it leads to fears controlling your life. Fears would dominate and make the person more introverted. My trust issues originate from my parents. They probably didn't mean to add fears in my mental state but they did. Its probably why I live in misery. Its not just trust issues, they've added abandonment issues. They didn't know the consequences of adding fear to my life. The real problem is they never experienced such event. They do not know how to re-establish the trust. Building trust takes time and effort. They don't know this. They don't realize, their actions are influencing my life this greatly. The result is living in misery. No wonder I like to lock myself in my room. Well.. the problem is we loved to a more concentrated city where land prices are unnecessary expensive. So, I kind of don't have a room to myself.

btw.. this tofu soup tastes like crap.