Academic thoughts
Just some reflection on my academic failures. I don't know.. I'm just demotivated. I seem to purposefully create failures. I'm just crazy I guess.

Math: Prepare before class
Networking: Record lectures
American Gov't: Do the readings

Random thoughts
One thing about America I like is that they have a lot of weird stuff on sale on the internet. I find creating stuff really fun. I don't know, it helps a lot when I'm depressed. The thing is when you're depressed, You start to believe you can't do anything. Creating little stuff helps to believe you can do things. Helps you believe in yourself.

Inner thoughts
My personality is suppose to mature by age 25. I guess I'm still in the stages of development. I guess these few years will be vital periods of my life. Can't believe how much the past influences the present. I've realized humans have to acquire a lot of different coping mechanism in order to survive. I should learn to stop punching the wall when I shower. I almost broke my fist today. My grammar is horrible due to over thinking. Well.. last semester, I over thought to the point to I can't do anything. Hopefully its getting better. I've realized my thinking process is completely different.  

Just a side note. It kind of annoys me how people think having natural human psychological behavior is wrong. "They just want attention" Well... every body does. Why do you think people post of facebook everyday? Why do you think people post what they eat on facebook? Lets stop being hypocrites. Everyone wants attention. Everyone does expect things in return. Everyone is selfish. We're suppose to be selfish. Another thing is, I have a hard time figuring out how miserable someone is. I tend to think my misery is more important than others. Well... after reflection I regret that mistake.

One thing I don't understand is why am I so caring? I seem to care about strangers. What conditioning have I gone through? It bothers me. I really don't mind its just I feel that its uncontrollable. I can't help everyone. That is the conclusion I came to. I've realize just because I'm miserable doesn't mean everyone is. Another thing I've realized misery really depends on the amount of love you have, not the wealth. I mean if wealth defines happiness, lottery winners should be the happiest people yet they commit suicide. You get my point? Idk I've realized its hard not to judge people, but its true we shouldn't judge people with the wealth they have. My friend's dad owns a lot of things in new york. He doesn't have anything that I would consider extravagant. If I never knew he was my friend's dad, I probably thought he was poor.

I should go back to blog about more stuff rather than my thoughts. It just helps me write my stuff down here. I used to have a diary. Well.. it was more like diary where I loved a single girl for like years. lol. Well love never mattered. It never does. Idk fuck... What should I do? Getting smarter is very important, its just that I want to get smarter later. Idk I just don't feel like it. Yeah... I know it sounds stupid but, I don't do things when I don't feel like it

My parents told me that they'll support me on living in isolation and studying computer science. That is great news for me because its just hard to do something when you parents are the ones telling you to quit. I'm quite happy for them supporting me with this decision. In the past they thought I was stupid so they didn't bother helping me out. I hope I do not disappoint them. Maybe I'll become something. I actually want to get better because I suck at it now and I want to be cocky.

I can't believe I showed my best friend my true face. That was horrible. I've tried to hide myself as much as possible. Through the masks. I couldn't believe the inner demons would make me so depressed to the point that I'll start showing the true identity I've tried to conceal. Well, the inner self burst opened. But I can still smile it means I'm still ok. I know because there are people who can't smile.

I've managed to fend off my depression enough so that I can prepare for exams. The negativity over takes me a lot these days. I have to catch up a lot during spring break. I'm just exhausted. Breaking my jaws as well as going loosing someone significant is very painful mentally as well as physically. I don't know what did I do so that nobody can last? lol What did I do in the past that made me have not a single physical relationship last. Too many people disappeared. Hmm.

This cycles are killing me. They all start the same end the same. All these thoughts running and running and running. All these useless thoughts and emotions.

I can't believe I've hurt someone. I remembered why I distance myself. I know this is one of those unrealistic expectations but how can I hurt someone? I feel like crap. Why am I so useless. How many more people do I have to see suffer. Thanks God for the gift of imaginations and reading emotions. Fuck him for making me do things that I do not wish to do. He has me on strings. fml...


Man....