Things I figured out about this world.

Just some things, I've found out about life.

1. I've created too many misunderstandings.
2. The act of giving should be only done to people who you are interested in or you're just a player.
3. Attempts to kill myself is seen as high self confidence.
4. I'm completely irrational.
5. I'm socially awkward when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
6. Not everyone is depressed.
7. Engineering is about the skill, not the degree.
8. I have too much empathy.
9. I don't care about what other people think.
10. I have no motivation in life.
11. I do care about other people's well being.
12. I'm stupid or insanely smart.
13. I guess people would call me an "outcast" by social norms.
14. Human traits can be produced by selective breeding, just like dogs.
15. I care about people a lot. I hate a lot. I love a lot.
16. I'll only love if I have to.
17. For sure I'm emo.
18. I can't hide my sadness anymore.
19. People get bored of each other.
20. Humans are very limited.
21. Over thinking leads to depression.
22. Caring leads to depression.
23. Thinking about the future leads to depression.
24. Getting torn apart from connection leads to depression.
25. Pills don't help with depression.
26. Sometimes its too late.
27. I should stop treating women the same. It will cause jealousy and hatred towards me. FUCK
28. Change plans, not goals.
29. Be God. This removes all limitation.
30. Society doesn't wait.
31. Everyone pretends to be nice.
32. Never judge a book by its cover.
33. The economy determines how well a family functions.
34. However, money doesn't define how much love is in the family.
35. You don't need love to live.
36. Anger helps you have stable emotions
37. Emotions can destroy you as well as make you powerful.
38. Blogging about Korea won't help me fight my depression.
39. Only have kids when you are financially & emotionally well off and can take full responsibility.
40. Always be supportive to your kids.
41. Treat people equally.
42. Never look down on others.
43. Irrationality hurts my brain.
44. Family can't love you unconditionally, can't expect expect others to love you unconditionally.
45. You don't love yourself, don't expect others to love you.
46. You don't have to love yourself, just trust yourself.
47. Never give up on others.
48. You can't expect the other person to not hurt you, people change.
49. Marry someone from the same age group, because everyone is already too different.
50. Return the happiness, whenever possible.
51. Everyone wants to look nice without sacrificing.
52. Most Asians suffer from not being good enough, so they seek love from other outer sources.
53. The more you have, the more people will love you.
54. People are attracted to positivity and happiness.
55. Pain makes you a better person.
56. Pain creates useless empathy.
57. I don't understand the feeling thingy in love. I seem to be able to turn it on and off. I can choose to love someone.
58. Understanding only works after pain of the experience.
59. True love is falsely. My senior told me he was happy when he was in love. But.. he was in love relationships after relationships. They all can't be true love ^^;;
60. Your sense of awareness gets greater the more pain you've experienced.
61. Introspection helps you find yourself and correct your flaws.
62. After examination of my life I found only 3.5 people that are trustworthy.
63. People date anyone. Marry rich people.
64.
65. I only do things if I have to.
66. I have a hard time believing I changed a lot.
67. I'm deep as fuck. I thought everyone was like me. No wonder nobody understood me.
68. Soulmate exist in America. 比翼連里 exists in Asia. Its weird.
69. I'm sorry for not being good enough.
70. Childhood influences adulthood a lot.
71. Apparently I have love genes that most people lack.
72. The only thing my dad appreciate is me washing his back in the public baths
73. Always pay back debts no matter how long it takes.
74. I wish people stop thinking I'm rich. I just move because of the company. My house is crap.
75. Being nice is better than feeling guilty.
76. Marriage is more stressful.
77. I'm racist for a reason. Black people are racist to black people. Malaysians are racist to Malaysians. Koreans are racist to Koreans. Americans don't care about each other.
78. I'm not fucking gay.
79. Girls need something emotional. Guys need something emotional and physical.
80. Most guys suck at caring, so girls cheat
81. Most girls get saggy, so guys cheat
82. Giving makes me depressed.
83. Dating for me means lets get married. For normal people, lets just hangout with sex.
84. Pretending to be rich just to give, leads to people taking things for granted.
85. Not caring about myself seems to give invulnerability. Idk.. sometimes it hurts when I realize I'm still alive.
86. I've said too many good byes.
87. Judging people is so much fun.
88. College degree doesn't explain if a person is trustworthy. I used to think the more education people had, the more trustworthy they are.
89. I should try to earn more to give more.
90. Making yourself vulnerable lets you see people's true faces.
91. I wish someone would just last forever. Just one person. God never gives.
92. People will do anything for hope. You can even make money giving people hope.
93. I have trust issues.
94. I have abandonment issues.
95. Never trust God, unless its for others or absolutely necessary.
96. Do things God will never do.
97. Those people who think its too late are retarded. You're never late for anything.
98. I hate those people who are superficial.
99. Don't trust selfish people. Trust people who are naturally nice.
100. I trusted a selfless person. Who am I suppose to trust now? This sucks. I thought when everyone hated me, I could trust my parents. When my parents hated me, I thought I could trust a selfless person. Now... what? Man.. WTF life...

Project Make-Fish-Fly

Goal: Graduate College. 
Plans: 
1. Pass this semester Graduate.
2. Fail:
     a. Military
     b. Study/get more experience in coding
     c. Come back to college
     d. Graduate.
Expectation: Degree. What to expect in Computer Science. 



Goal: Improve physical health
Plan: Go to military
Expectation: Health. Anger. 

Goal: Get better at Programming
Plan: 
Languages to study- 
1. PHP
2. ASP
3. JSP
4. JQuery
5. CSS
6. html5
7. xml
8. ccna
9. ccnp
10. SIS
11. Java
12. Databases mysql
13. C
14. C++
15. Ocjp (Important)
16. Ipic (Important)

Areas to study
1. Networking
     *Databases
     *Data structures
     *

2. Artificial Intelligence
    *Practice with AI competitions

3. User Interface
    *Read a lot.
    *Read all the books recommended in the Gatech cs courses
    *http://www.catalog.gatech.edu/colleges/coc/ugrad/comsci/threads/degreq/mod-sim-people.php
    *http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/electrical-engineering-and-computer-science/

4. Computer Architecture.
    *Read.

Brain Work
    *Just do a lot of algorithm problems.

Weakness
    *Programming.
    *Figuring things on my own.
    *Slow in understanding program structure
    *Implementation of the concepts

Strengths
    *Learn from the past.
    *Concepts are easily understood.
    * Reusing information I've learnt.
    * Observant learning.

Things I need
    * CS programming books
    * 2x Wide screen monitor
    * Sofa instead of a bed.
    * Airconditioner.
    * Fridge
    * A room
    * Headphones
    * Printer
    * Desk

Overcoming the weakness. Since I'm bad at figuring things out, I should just get exposed to a lot of the programs already written. I guess that is a good plan. Since I'm a observant learner, watch youtube videos on programming or get extra lectures with Korean tutors.

Expectations: Proficiency in get a job.

Estimated Time Period: 2-3 Years.
Current Age: 21.
Age after military: 23.
Age after Goal reached: 25-26.

Internship:???
Graduate school:???  

Doubts: Would this work? What is my backup plan? Am I confident it will work? Would I be able to compete with the people already in the workforce?

Answer: Depends how much I get pissed off at the military. So, depends how many people beat me up in the military. Depends if negativity takes over or I win. But for sure, wanting to study and forced to study are two different thing. College was forced. After college, its my free will. I just wish my parents will fuck off and let me do my own thing. Idk if they controlled me for doing something bad, I really won't mind. Its just that they expect things that they never helped me construct. I can't just be smart instantly. It takes time and investments. Plus, they keep adding needless fears. I don't know. My head hurts because I have to consider all these plans to get to the goal. I don't even know if its humanly possible. Just do it. Its not like I have a choice anyways. Fuck negativity drains you a lot more than I thought it would. Idk Fuck Implementation and planning is different. FUCK would I be lazy? Idk Just really hope the military is the shittiest place in the world.

Idk I'm blaming my parents for living in that shitty apartment. I can't focus.


Question: Why am I continuing Computer Science if I suck balls at it -.-. I don't even enjoy computer science. WTF. I'm just retarded. Yeah.. I'm just stupid. For sure... I'm stupid... Yup... I'm stupid. I have no idea what's going to happen to the future.

Goal: Fix Depression
Plan: 
Its quite impossible. Do I have to live like this?
I'll get a dog.
Music.

Expectations: Nothing. 
Problem with depression: Impossible to concentrate. Can't see objectively. Likely to drain other people.