These are the worst. I feel like shit. They reveal all your flaws. How selfish I am. If I was starving would I give my bread to another person rather than eat it myself? I'm uncertain. If I was desperate I probably would have ate it myself. Desperation makes you do a lot of things. When people are desperate they aren't much different from animals.
These are situations which upsets me. I'm too tired. fk exhausted with life. I think I should read about emptiness in buddhism because the insides of me feel really empty. Something must be broken.
I kind of understand why that person referred me as a "kid". Life must be a lot different from the early twenties to mid twenties. She told me how she used to think like me. Maybe she's right. I should just live off instant gratifications. Idk I want to suppress myself as much as possible. Idk I have a extreme high sense of intuition. My high sense of intuition makes me distant from reality. lol. FK I hate intuition fk that. I want intelligence.
I wonder why I'm so disinterested in life. No, I was never interested as I was born. Not a single thing interested me. My only interest is animals and golf. Man.. I could have became a professional golfer. FK WTF why am I so disinterested? WTF why is everything boring FK. fml. I'm not even rich and smart wtf. I find life challenging yet I'm bored wtf.. Man... wtf everyone is so hard working.. wtf...
What are their motivation in life?
I wonder why I'm so lazy, useless, irresponsible and dependent. fk. What am I good at? Golf! Man... fk after military I have to study for real lol.. Thats going to suck balls.
My friend dumped a guy because he was nice and caring. Apparently, he was going to drag her down. Man... that sucks. Well for the guy. WTF do people want. Well, I've realized its normal for people to want attention. Idk its how people are. Even I want attention at certain times. I only get attention when I don't want them fk -.-. fkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfk. Well, facebook did succeed. I mean its basically a show and tell. Man..... Idk life is so weird.
Man this sucks. I need to stop sleeping in random buildings of my school. Yeah for sure I'm still immature. FK I hate this. Idk... I've realized I'm completely different fkfkfkfkfkfkfk. fml; man it hurts a lot when I think of the goodbyes I told to so many people. I said goodbyes in hundreds lol. Nothing lasts. My attitude is a problem? Well, its what I've learned through out my entire life. fkfkfk
It kind of sucks. No matter how hard I try, people prefer materials fkfkfk
Idk... I guess everyone is trying their best.
Man wtf I don't know what to do fml. growing up sucks. man.. idk I just want a peaceful life which is unlikely to be given. man i hate this man eat man world. I think I'll just deny reality.
Do I want to climb the social ladder? fk i'm so lazy... Idk... think after military lol. maybe we're not suppose to trust another. Even family have hard time loving you. Then you can't expect others to love you lol. I mean wtf. Well at the moment I refuse all forms of love. Idk I hate myself. The thing is I keep distancing myself. People see that as being fake. Well really sorry but I can't help myself. Nothing lasts for me. I wonder what would last? facebook did make things easier but I feel like, its making it worst. I prefer to disconnect myself because I already know our connection are getting thinner. idk life is shit. man idk what to do fk.
I guess its one of life struggles again. FK...Sure, I become a better person after this is over, but I'm already exhausted.
man my mentality is fked up. I probably need to fix this. man... life is messed up. idk fk This sucks. I hate people.
I need to go back to Korea. Fk I shouldn't have let fear dominate my brain. I need to start from scratch. I'll give myself 4 years. At age 26 I'll become something. Idk I'll find something to be pissed off at.
FK those yourecards. They're fking brainwashing people to become alcoholics. Those retarded memes. Its no better than YOLO.
Our generation is weird. We are very selfish for sure compared to the older generation. But the funny thing is despite our individualism, our identities are becoming unified. Everyone has the same iphone, macbook, galaxys, tablets. Our cars look the same. We see a lot of identical buildings.
What would happen if all the countries finish industrialization? What if everyone gets high education? Idk Life is weird. Things you believe is right is apparently wrong. fk it I'm living with my intuition. I've realized I may not be smart, but my intuition is extraordinary. man this suck.
Another thing is I forgot the real world is very cold hearted. Idk. I forgot my abusive past because I've never invaded other people's self interest. Thus, there were no conflict.
Fk. what am I suppose to do. man. my life is going to be shit.
1. Graudate.
2. Military.
3. 2 years of studying.
4. 2 year job
Things to do.
1. Get some help with trust issues.
2. Get some help with fear of being happy.
This is fked up.
I wish I could be happy for myself lol. Man I can't believe I grew up. wow shit.
In the inside I'm that fat short ugly dumb kid. I need to keep doing things to make myself better. I got weak during college. The time I was doing my full potential was when I believed I was God. haha. man... I miss the time when I was fearless. Idk after I get back to Korea, I'm going back to being God. There is nothing you can't do if you want to. Programming? I'll kill myself doing it. Start from scratch.
Dear God. I usually don't pray for myself, but help me out this time. I'm tired ok? I think I know what you did to me, when I exchanged my life. lol. Man... well just help me.
I've realized my mental health is like those of batman, Eminem. Its the same as Eminem. I wonder how he lives each day. Well at least he is rich now.
fk only if I wasn't retarded. Well, I never thought I would be at an engineering school. Well for today, music isn't helping. Oh well. Life sucks.
I've realized, I lose sanity when people start destroying themselves.
I wonder how long it would take me to become a professional coder. Well I just need to get pissed off more. Man my brain is fked up.
I wonder if it is normal for people to love money, alcohol, drugs more than humans. Why do I always have to compete against things that aren't alive. lol FML.
Idk maybe its really my attitude that is the problem... I mean I can't be happy. Its impossible. Idk what am i suppose to do? I've been moving so much that I've naturally distance myself. Omg.. I found out I have a lot of problems. Well, socially..... fk I can't help it. fkkkk
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid
FK that I'm forcing that fish to climb the tree. Make it fly if necessary.
FK.... I'm suppose to love myself.. hmm I don't. I trust myself. Trust is better than love. You're not necessarily happy but you're comfortable.
FK. I'm owning everyone. After military. I'll prove that pessimism wins in the end. Fk it. Its either I die or I improve. Fk I'm going back to Korea. I need to lock myself up.
I think I'll close this blog soon... I need to go back into complete isolation once I finish college. Yeah definitely start from scratch. Go to military, get physically stronger. After that I'll work on my mental strength. pace myself. Go for sleepless nights. Idk... its always better to study in home ground. See how far I go. Its pretty funny how no matter how many people I make friends with lol nothing lasts. I've met so many people... I mean I am the kid that waves to too many people in college. lol... Walking to classes to classes is all about constant hand waving lol. Yet nobody is going to last lol.
Man... I can't make friends in the military lol. Fk that. I"m just checking how much stronger I became. I mean I did get soft, after high school. lol. Too comfortable. Well mental torture, but let see. Idk I kind of want to see if I can top them lol. I mean they are mostly kids who want to join korean gangsters. Idk I have to establish ranks as well. Idk... its more fun that way anyways. Just go for the most hardcore course . Idk see what happens. Hmmm I'm going to have to lie on the interview... They'll ask why did you join this force? I should answer because I'm bored and no particular reason. But, I guess I have to lie that I want to protect the country. Hmmmm. Man.. my parents are going to kill me. Oh well... lol My cousins advised me to go to the easiest one... Well... sorry lol... Man.. people are going to see this as confidence again. FK..
Try my best to graduate and then PREPARE properly for military lol. Not like college. I'll make my training harder than the military's program lol.
I can't believe I grew up this much. lol... trusting someone to last was the worst idea ever... lol.. I can't help myself from falling in love with people from the past. lol Thats why weak spot. Well... I realized its going to take more than that now lol. t will take years to fall in love. I wonder if any one is willing to do that lol. THey just want finished products. Can't believe how much I've changed lol...
Man... people from gangnam are a lot nicer than the people on the outside... They're all nice kids. I met a kid that could see through me lol. That was insane. Those are kids that are truly nice lol. Somewhat selfless. A true christian.
One of those rare people.
Well its nice to know someone like that lol.
Idk what am I suppose to do. I guess get part time job + exercise.
I need to get smarter and stronger though.
6 months training + part time job
2 years military
2 years self studying. + internship.
Man.. I'm too cool.
Things I want to do.
http://outdoor-games.wonderhowto.com/how-to/build-your-own-rainbow-colored-igloo-with-milk-carton-ice-blocks-and-snowcrete-0141219/
Man... I really want to decorate my own room.. I think its like one of my greatest wishes.
I hate my life as a nomad. I don't belong anywhere. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. The life traveling around the world. ha.... they don't realize the pain of moving. They'll never understand how I was teared away from every place I went. lol... A local Korean girl asked me why I don't love girls. lol.. Well.. most locals don't understand the affect of rejection. ^^... The reject is few hundred times hurtful than normal locals. lol. They don't understand that. Plus, they just love me for my outsides.... So.... in high school everyone hated me for being culturally different. Suddenly after everyone goes to college, they want husbands who studied aboard ^^. BULL SHIT. But this world is very... shitty. looks, money, education defines a person... people who weren't nice to me, suddenly became nicer now. But... I really don't have much. Education? psh... I'm just going to college for the title. After I get back out I need to do a lot of independent study. Engineering is all about knowledge, not the degree. Its just that Asian companies look at degrees more... Well.. I need to graduate first. Idk... I'm having a hard time with this one course... I just need a C and pass it. My friend is helping me a lot but Idk.... its too complicated..
I can't use my brain... Idk.... its better not to. When I'm serious.. everything hurts. Its better not to take things seriously.. just get life over with peacefully even it means to live single... peace is the best. I don't bother people, they don't bother me. :). Fuck I hate people judging me for being single forever.... lol ... they think I'm a player.. fml... well they expect me to at least engage in at least one relationship -.- well no...
Idk... I hope God would be nice and let me graduate..... I mean college was 4 years of punishment..
Oh I finally made my parents understand what it meant to be family -.- Hardest shit ever. They keep complaining how sensitive I am.... Well.. its not like that, I eat shit from everyone outside of our family. So.... I expected my family to accept me for being myself.... and they didn't D:....
hmmm they finally understood... Finally after 22 years of me telling them. hmmm it still doesn't feel right. Like you know when you tell people what to do.. it doesn't have much meaning in it. I wish my mother was actually caring... or my father.. lol Idk... its like having parents but not really. My mom would only bother me when she wants attention. She kept complaining how I was self centered.... Well... it was her that was really self centered.. She does admit it.. well... thanks mom for making my life miserable... Well its my dads fault for being a robot. I guess most men don't have emotions. I have too much its annoying. People call it emotional intelligence. ^^ sounds cool but not really ... doesn't help surviving society.... Its more like useful to fix people. It bothers my studies a lot.
Its really hard to communicate with shallow people... everything i say doesn't make sense. fuck I realized I'm extremely deep wtf. I thought everyone was like me -.- ....fuck i thought everyone was nice as me fuck
man I need to realize I grew up fml... I've realized a traumatic incident led to me believe I'm still a kid... well...it did lead to me having high emotional intelligence, which i am very thankful of. well no its a useless characteristic that i use to entertain ppl
What else is in my brain? Yeah... I really don't fall in a category. I miss my sister. lol she grew up too much though.. I wish she found a nice person already lol cml
hmmm... man I hope I can graduate. Fuck this school suck balls. I need to study at my own pace. I learn from the past.... so I need time to let all the knowledge kick in.... man .. I'm exhausted.
Suppressing myself is hard as fuck. A girl in Korea told me I should stop suppressing myself..well... that would lead to a lot of trouble. that would lead a to a lot bad things. Idk its better for me to suppress myself.
yeah i need to work on programming. fml... fuck... lets see... basically I know very little of it. Idk I just have to beat everyone.. As long as I graduate and study at my own pacing. it should be fine.
man... my plan was perfect but it got destroyed. fk.
I'm screwed. FUCK
As long as my dad lend me his house. I should be fine.
Hmm thoughts should i go to the military or just get paid and practice programming? IDk fuck money does seem tasty. But I can't study in that house. Idk I'll ask my dad if he can get me a space to study. Its really about whether I have a place to study or not. I can't study in the current house. Too uncomfortable. Idk its just that I need complete isolation. I don't like family.
Idk... I have no clue. I should go to the military to be a man. Idk I'm just depressed.
I've realized depression comes when you are disconnected. Well. for me its not like I wanted to be disconnected. Forced to. So.. being depressed is normal. Depression seems to make life a lot harder than it is. fml... I don't know how to solve this issue. Well.. I used to have a secure connection with family but I: lost that so.
Its kind of funny how I thought depression came from lack of activity. Started blogging to remove depression. Wore bright clothes to make myself feel better. Ate a lot of fruits. Did everything to stay out of depression. So the real reason was disconnection -.- hahhahaha Its pretty funny how I thought everyone was depressed. fml.
fuck I might not be able to graduate now that I think about it. FML fuck this depression fucked up all my thinking process.. fuck I can't believe I have trouble constructing sentences. WTF. Its like I skip words because my mind is disconnected.
Fuck the problem is fucking god killed me. When you traverse different societies, you can't trust anyone. My mom proved to be very undependable and the only person I could truly trust was my father. Like most Asian parents, he was an alcoholic. he fucked up his liver and in my critical moment in my life. Yes I'm dwelling in the past. It just keeps coming back to haunt me. Idk its probably cause of the grieving period never happened for me as a child. I do opposite of the atmosphere. Everyone was insecure so I was the opposite. However, without the proper grieving period, it influenced my future greatly. hmm this sucks.
Idk whatever. drag myself to do things. Idk fuck this. Well... my friend is doing med school. I guess I'll just work hard with him. I just need to practice programming with my free will. Not forced to.
Idk as long as I'm not forced to, I can excel. I just need a comfortable room and food. Idk plus I don't give up. Thats one golden rule. Well... I kind of don't care about a lot of things so its nice.
Just a side note. I'm supporting my children whatever she or he wants to do. Well... assuming she or he proves me the ambition of his or her goal.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
god.
Why do I keep playing the role of God.. fk... I guess I'm completely irrational.
Why do I keep doing this to myself. Whatever. Do as much as I can. It makes my life hard but oh well. Someone has to do it. I mean I was suppose to kill myself 8 years ago. Everything after that was extra life. Man being blinded by darkness sucks balls. These fking barriers. Only if I can remove them.Fk. What am I suppose to do? fml. How do I start trusting. fk I hate sad people. They remind me of myself. I don't want to think about it. Back then, every single day, I never looked up. I was hopeless, hated the world. Rejected by society. lol fk society. I'll go against everything. Do everything my way. Fk rationality. I'll prove everything I believe in. I need to study though.
Just think of cute babies when my brain hurts. omg. MAn so cute fkkkkk My dad promised me a lot of meat. yay Note to self so I don't forget. 2016 I promised to help someone.
Why do I keep doing this to myself. Whatever. Do as much as I can. It makes my life hard but oh well. Someone has to do it. I mean I was suppose to kill myself 8 years ago. Everything after that was extra life. Man being blinded by darkness sucks balls. These fking barriers. Only if I can remove them.Fk. What am I suppose to do? fml. How do I start trusting. fk I hate sad people. They remind me of myself. I don't want to think about it. Back then, every single day, I never looked up. I was hopeless, hated the world. Rejected by society. lol fk society. I'll go against everything. Do everything my way. Fk rationality. I'll prove everything I believe in. I need to study though.
Just think of cute babies when my brain hurts. omg. MAn so cute fkkkkk My dad promised me a lot of meat. yay Note to self so I don't forget. 2016 I promised to help someone.
Why are older people nicer.
Older people used to take advantage of their status and abuse younger people. However, somehow, they take care of younger people a lot. I think it has to do with the background they've been raised. They're too different. My old school, the older people would steal stuff. Idk what to do fk. Its weird. But, I'm really thankful for them. Great people.
Idk if you have shitty expectation of people, everyone is nice lol. I can't wait to go to the military. Its one of those risks. I'll either gain high self confidence or get destroyed. Another thing is its a good way to create a stronger barrier and reduce my sensitivity level.
I seem to always make life harder. Idk why. fk you subconscious and innerself lol
My parents also sent me packages of food.It felt nice. Only if they cared 8 years ago lol. 2 years of torture. I didn't realize that it would affect me to the present. Fk this sucks. But, its true though. Money does ruin family relationships. Some families do care about their children more than money. They'll even get loans to provide for the children. But, then the children hate their parents for being so reckless. So, no matter what their parents do, children will hate them.
Idk eminem is very relatable. Its normal for him to be that way. Talking shit about everyone. Nobody helped him out when he was little. Make sense. The negative outlook of life is inevitable. It doesn't matter how well people treat him now. He doesn't even need help. But, the problem is you become blind. Even if people care, you don't see it. Its hard to believe. Somebody who was somewhat selfless fked me up. Idk what to do with myself. whatever, all those military people will tell me their cool life story lol.
Whatever, I wonder which one will win. My outer self or inner self. Man.. taking life seriously was the most stupidest idea ever. I'm teaching my kids never to take life seriously. Torture my children as much as possible. Ok torture them when they're happy, but love them when they need it. Well, I need to fix myself first. At this rate, I'll up useless
Few things.
1. you don't love yourself, don't expect others to love you.
2. you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.
Whatever, I'll go against 1 and 2. I trust myself. Its different from love.
Man I wanna go back to Korea. I miss living in my haunted house. omg. Maybe I should buy it from my parents. Omg the idea of torturing my kids gives me so much pleasure. The idea of studying day and night in that house gives me pleasure lol. I hate college. fk. Man... I think I should just adopt a kid and be a single father. omg. He'll hate me but oh well. omg He'll be so cool. <3 as="" aww.="" be="" but="" children="" early="" even="" financially="" fk="" for="" give="" going="" good="" have="" i="" if="" important="" independent.="" its="" kids="" late="" mean="" nbsp="" need="" not="" one="" p="" possible.="" re="" spoil="" stability.="" sure="" them="" things="" though.="" to="" you="" your="">man omg.
FK I need to work on cs. fkkfkkfkfkfk its ok I got 2 years. I'll get angry at something and do better. yeyayayaya.
Idk if you have shitty expectation of people, everyone is nice lol. I can't wait to go to the military. Its one of those risks. I'll either gain high self confidence or get destroyed. Another thing is its a good way to create a stronger barrier and reduce my sensitivity level.
I seem to always make life harder. Idk why. fk you subconscious and innerself lol
My parents also sent me packages of food.It felt nice. Only if they cared 8 years ago lol. 2 years of torture. I didn't realize that it would affect me to the present. Fk this sucks. But, its true though. Money does ruin family relationships. Some families do care about their children more than money. They'll even get loans to provide for the children. But, then the children hate their parents for being so reckless. So, no matter what their parents do, children will hate them.
Idk eminem is very relatable. Its normal for him to be that way. Talking shit about everyone. Nobody helped him out when he was little. Make sense. The negative outlook of life is inevitable. It doesn't matter how well people treat him now. He doesn't even need help. But, the problem is you become blind. Even if people care, you don't see it. Its hard to believe. Somebody who was somewhat selfless fked me up. Idk what to do with myself. whatever, all those military people will tell me their cool life story lol.
Whatever, I wonder which one will win. My outer self or inner self. Man.. taking life seriously was the most stupidest idea ever. I'm teaching my kids never to take life seriously. Torture my children as much as possible. Ok torture them when they're happy, but love them when they need it. Well, I need to fix myself first. At this rate, I'll up useless
Few things.
1. you don't love yourself, don't expect others to love you.
2. you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.
Whatever, I'll go against 1 and 2. I trust myself. Its different from love.
Man I wanna go back to Korea. I miss living in my haunted house. omg. Maybe I should buy it from my parents. Omg the idea of torturing my kids gives me so much pleasure. The idea of studying day and night in that house gives me pleasure lol. I hate college. fk. Man... I think I should just adopt a kid and be a single father. omg. He'll hate me but oh well. omg He'll be so cool. <3 as="" aww.="" be="" but="" children="" early="" even="" financially="" fk="" for="" give="" going="" good="" have="" i="" if="" important="" independent.="" its="" kids="" late="" mean="" nbsp="" need="" not="" one="" p="" possible.="" re="" spoil="" stability.="" sure="" them="" things="" though.="" to="" you="" your="">man omg.
FK I need to work on cs. fkkfkkfkfkfk its ok I got 2 years. I'll get angry at something and do better. yeyayayaya.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Suffering
I've also realized as a kid, I felt punished for being happy. Thus, I probably decided to always suffer. Man this sucks. I can't even change it. It hurts my brain just thinking about being happy. Another thing is as time passed, I forgot all this. Its just that now everything is reminded.
I went to seek help. They advised me to join a group session on social interaction. Well, sorry but I'm very good at meeting new people as well as making friends. This is a completely different issue. \lol. What am I suppose to do?
Maybe I should just suffer like for few more years until I get exhausted and see how far I go lol. Man I can't wait until I start studying on my own. I want to study eating Korean food.
man being poor sucks balls.
I went to seek help. They advised me to join a group session on social interaction. Well, sorry but I'm very good at meeting new people as well as making friends. This is a completely different issue. \lol. What am I suppose to do?
Maybe I should just suffer like for few more years until I get exhausted and see how far I go lol. Man I can't wait until I start studying on my own. I want to study eating Korean food.
man being poor sucks balls.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Ok. Goal
All nighter everyday! Lets do it. I don't fking time for hw and reviewing fk.
Note to self. Its too cold in the library.
Another note. Stop categorizing myself. I've realized no matter who you are people will say shit to you. You're nice, people say shit. You're an asshole, people say shit. You're awesome, people say shit. You're smart, people say shit. You're dumb, people say shit. You're emo, people say shit. You have confidence, people say shit. You're unconfident, people say shit. You're white, people say shit. You're Asian people say shit. You're lskjfds, people say shit basically.
Note to self. Its too cold in the library.
Another note. Stop categorizing myself. I've realized no matter who you are people will say shit to you. You're nice, people say shit. You're an asshole, people say shit. You're awesome, people say shit. You're smart, people say shit. You're dumb, people say shit. You're emo, people say shit. You have confidence, people say shit. You're unconfident, people say shit. You're white, people say shit. You're Asian people say shit. You're lskjfds, people say shit basically.
Man.. yeah I shouldn't have tried to purposefully drop out of college
Man.. That was dumb. I guess this semester is a punishment. Its so busy. lol Can't believe I almost dropped out of college -.- Fk. Everything was going according to plan and then shit happened. Oh well. I'm just going to graduate and go back to Korea. Just keep eating meat. I might visit Malaysia. I heard the chicken rice shop that I was feeding money to became a official steak house. oh god. I wonder if the owner remembers me lol. He used to give me extras. I mean I did eat there every single day.
Fk I really don't know what to do with my life. My goal in life: do just enough to get over without being behind other people. Rage in life: get better at cs. Man... my personality sucks in society. No wonder I'm stupid. I need to get better in Korean too. I suck at Korean. I wonder why people are so smart -.- What kind of meat do they eat?
Wealth and Happiness
It seems people care less about wealth and rather live in happiness. I'm confused because I've always been taught that I should always care about wealth. Its because Korea was really poor back then. My mother's side didn't provide any financial support and my dad came from a farming family. Well, actually they started off with debt.
Another thing is people talk about how without love, its hard to get through life struggles. I don't know... my parents didn't love each other because they were doing arranged marriage. Whereas my uncles and aunts were married with love. In the end, only my parents were the ones who were not divorced. -.- So, what happened to love... ?
But I think moving around a lot helped because they could only rely on each other. They fought a lot. lol I guess its like the bond that me and my sister have. Moving around definitely gave me an interesting experience.
Another thing is people talk about how without love, its hard to get through life struggles. I don't know... my parents didn't love each other because they were doing arranged marriage. Whereas my uncles and aunts were married with love. In the end, only my parents were the ones who were not divorced. -.- So, what happened to love... ?
But I think moving around a lot helped because they could only rely on each other. They fought a lot. lol I guess its like the bond that me and my sister have. Moving around definitely gave me an interesting experience.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Few things
I don't understand few things. We are suppose to share "God's love" yet we are suppose to stay away from negative people.
Idk I am one of those negative people. I really don't know what to do. A lot of shit happened to me. Idk someone actually tried hard enough to change me. I felt happy. Its just that it did not last. Its actually harder now. I think I understand why my friend dated 20 or more so girl. A girl named Q tried to open up my friend W. What happened was, she had to leave. Leading into a bad break up. Friend W isn't a bad person, its just that he is probably suffering. Its probably that its hard to open him up again. Also, girls probably didn't try hard enough. I mean the harder you try, the more vulnerable you are making yourself. Most people won't risk it. A lot of people are using animals as companions.
I should have never gotten involved in interpersonal relationships.
I've asked my parents how did they survive. How could they be happy?
Well, they've told me, having children was one of the easiest way. You keep yourself too occupied that you are distracted. Another thing is they told me they perceive happiness through my happiness. I understand them. Its really how I perceive happiness as well. Seeing other people happy, makes me happy. I guess its really how love works.
But the thing about living my life is its so much fun. Being nice fking sucks. But I think I should watch out being mean. I've forgot people hide their sadness. Man I'm so depressed. The future is so ... dark. lol The present is dark. The past? Even more shit. Idk if I had a bright career I won't be so depressed. I won't mind sacrificing my present. Idk what to do. My past, present, future is so ... whatever. What am I suppose to do? I'm cornered. Idk My past was too abusive. My present is too stressful since I'm doing what I don't enjoy. My future is also... blacked out. I have to go to the military so thats fun... lol Well, I'll enjoy the experience but the problem is when I get back. What am I suppose to do? I'm just a blank paper with abs lol. Man.. an older sis wants me to date her. I wonder if she can stand the pessimism. Idk my mental health is very bad. My outsides are fine. My insides are so... messed up. Idk its probably due to my parents, moving, bullying, death. Idk can't help it. What am I suppose to do? I'm so disconnected from this world.
Well, Idk, how I'm going to get inside. I'm just confused at the moment.
Idk maybe the military would tell me what is life like. The thing is my parents scared the shit out of me. They keep inserting fears in my brain. But, its true though. Idk
lol. There is only one way to break this pessimism. I already know the answer, its just that its quite a challenge. Its quite impossible. lol.
Idk I am one of those negative people. I really don't know what to do. A lot of shit happened to me. Idk someone actually tried hard enough to change me. I felt happy. Its just that it did not last. Its actually harder now. I think I understand why my friend dated 20 or more so girl. A girl named Q tried to open up my friend W. What happened was, she had to leave. Leading into a bad break up. Friend W isn't a bad person, its just that he is probably suffering. Its probably that its hard to open him up again. Also, girls probably didn't try hard enough. I mean the harder you try, the more vulnerable you are making yourself. Most people won't risk it. A lot of people are using animals as companions.
I should have never gotten involved in interpersonal relationships.
I've asked my parents how did they survive. How could they be happy?
Well, they've told me, having children was one of the easiest way. You keep yourself too occupied that you are distracted. Another thing is they told me they perceive happiness through my happiness. I understand them. Its really how I perceive happiness as well. Seeing other people happy, makes me happy. I guess its really how love works.
But the thing about living my life is its so much fun. Being nice fking sucks. But I think I should watch out being mean. I've forgot people hide their sadness. Man I'm so depressed. The future is so ... dark. lol The present is dark. The past? Even more shit. Idk if I had a bright career I won't be so depressed. I won't mind sacrificing my present. Idk what to do. My past, present, future is so ... whatever. What am I suppose to do? I'm cornered. Idk My past was too abusive. My present is too stressful since I'm doing what I don't enjoy. My future is also... blacked out. I have to go to the military so thats fun... lol Well, I'll enjoy the experience but the problem is when I get back. What am I suppose to do? I'm just a blank paper with abs lol. Man.. an older sis wants me to date her. I wonder if she can stand the pessimism. Idk my mental health is very bad. My outsides are fine. My insides are so... messed up. Idk its probably due to my parents, moving, bullying, death. Idk can't help it. What am I suppose to do? I'm so disconnected from this world.
Well, Idk, how I'm going to get inside. I'm just confused at the moment.
Idk maybe the military would tell me what is life like. The thing is my parents scared the shit out of me. They keep inserting fears in my brain. But, its true though. Idk
lol. There is only one way to break this pessimism. I already know the answer, its just that its quite a challenge. Its quite impossible. lol.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Idk
After I get back to Korea, I need to do a lot of fun stuff. So, I could be more positive. I mean really, I've been deprived from happiness.
I've also realized I have a mentality of a women.
I've also realized I have a mentality of a women.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I realized why I care about others more.
Its because I already gave up. fk....
Thats why I would do anything to get them out of their shells. FK
Idk... life sucks...
Thats why I would do anything to get them out of their shells. FK
Idk... life sucks...
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Idk
The thing is broken people seem to have disconnections and delusions. I too have one of them. Well, mine can be removed in certain conditions so its fine. However, most people seem to live with the delusion. One of the main delusion is that when I'm weak I don't have anyone to rely on. Personally I don't need anyone ok with it. However, a lot of people seem to have insecurities. The problem is these people live with this delusion even though there is proof that someone does care for them. I am the person that breaks this proof. Even though my existence becomes proof that someone will be there for them, it seems to not help. They live with the delusion.
Another delusion is never having a lasting interpersonal relationship. This is one thing I'm suffering from. Well, I do have a lot of inter personal relationships. However, the problem is I distance myself at a certain point without noticing. Idk. I'm too busy with school. But, it is getting more miserable. I do realize how I can break it though. Its completely possible.
Also, I've re-evaluated my self confidence. I believed I have no self confidence. However, I've done some tests online and I found myself to be extremely confident. No wonder people told me I look like a professional business man. I guess judging one's self confidence is subjective and relative. I mean its just that I don't love myself, but I trust myself completely. No matter what people say, I trust the choices I make in life. Its why I do everything differently from how other people do it. I value what I think it right. Even if my behaviors are irrational, I believe its rational to me.
I don't know what to do. The thing is I already know God sucks at giving care. I mean God is something that people use to create love externally. Its just that people sometimes need something physical.
Fk.. I wish I knew, how to fix people. Everyone is so broken. Some are more broken than others. Idk...fk
Man I'm so busy..
America is so messed up. Westernization fked Korea up too. I'm going hide myself so I can keep my purity.fkkkkkk this world is so messed up.
So much going in my head. Man... I need to prepare properly and come back to America. Idk if I will but I think its a goal. I just want to know my potential if I decide to do something. Idk its a family DNA thing. I have a feeling my kids are going to do the same fml. They'll probably hate me and try to surpass me.
FK....
Another delusion is never having a lasting interpersonal relationship. This is one thing I'm suffering from. Well, I do have a lot of inter personal relationships. However, the problem is I distance myself at a certain point without noticing. Idk. I'm too busy with school. But, it is getting more miserable. I do realize how I can break it though. Its completely possible.
Also, I've re-evaluated my self confidence. I believed I have no self confidence. However, I've done some tests online and I found myself to be extremely confident. No wonder people told me I look like a professional business man. I guess judging one's self confidence is subjective and relative. I mean its just that I don't love myself, but I trust myself completely. No matter what people say, I trust the choices I make in life. Its why I do everything differently from how other people do it. I value what I think it right. Even if my behaviors are irrational, I believe its rational to me.
I don't know what to do. The thing is I already know God sucks at giving care. I mean God is something that people use to create love externally. Its just that people sometimes need something physical.
Fk.. I wish I knew, how to fix people. Everyone is so broken. Some are more broken than others. Idk...fk
Man I'm so busy..
America is so messed up. Westernization fked Korea up too. I'm going hide myself so I can keep my purity.fkkkkkk this world is so messed up.
So much going in my head. Man... I need to prepare properly and come back to America. Idk if I will but I think its a goal. I just want to know my potential if I decide to do something. Idk its a family DNA thing. I have a feeling my kids are going to do the same fml. They'll probably hate me and try to surpass me.
FK....
FK...
So, I can't go to graduate school because I'll have trouble getting recommendation letters. I'll be going to the military so I won't be available for 4 years. So, the professors will forget me. -.- fml.. What am I suppose to do? fml.... Man life sucks. Make friends just to lose them. Never able to have an interpersonal relationship. Unstable education. WTF am I suppose to do lol. Nobody bothers understanding the situation. Most of the time, I can't relate to anyone.
So, change of events. Graduate University -> Military -> Study for 2 years -> Internships x2 or go to another college -> Graduate school.
Yeah I should redo college again after graduating. Then I could apply for graduate school. The only problem is money. I wonder if my parents can afford 2 years of college. Graduate school I'm not worried because I can get research and get paid to study.
Lets see how old I'll be.
21: Graduate college
23: Ended military
25: Finished Studying GRE + Coding
27: Finished Internship or College (Acquire recommendation letters)
29: Finished Graduate School
Fk... This is all about endurance. Its all about never giving up.
I need to ask for recommendation in advance to see if it works. fml. FK
FK the problem was I started to lack motivation to study since my school has nothing that can make me happy. fk. It was study study study study study.
Fk it I'm owning everyone. The 2 years I'll spend in my room coding will dominate everyone. You have no idea what happens when I get motivated. Hatred gives me power. Its just that I've had to love people forcefully fml.
Well, I'll probably see the world dark then too.... fml .... Idk its hard to see the world positive when you're not doing anything fun. You just work work work. Its nice to have food with friends tho. Its just that we talk about depressing things together. idk lol few other Koreans have the same problem. Idk..
Maybe I should have gave up on computer science and do something else. Man I'm so arrogant lol. I suck at it and I still am doing it lol. I got a lot of help but still. Its quite amazing. Well, I do need to polish up my coding.
After I get back from military I need to buy few things.
1. Air conditioner
2. Mini fridge
3. Desk.
4. Big monitor
5. A lot of books.
FK I'll have to live in a haunted house. But the thing about this house is that everyone who lived in it became rich. Not joking. I actually got into an engineering school after I studied in that house. lol. Well, the thing was I couldn't sleep because I was too scared lolololol. man..... good
Man... life is confusing. Well the good thing about going back to korea is that I don't have to care about people. I mean I hate caring. Its just that I have to. fml. Or people will become like me. lol
So, change of events. Graduate University -> Military -> Study for 2 years -> Internships x2 or go to another college -> Graduate school.
Yeah I should redo college again after graduating. Then I could apply for graduate school. The only problem is money. I wonder if my parents can afford 2 years of college. Graduate school I'm not worried because I can get research and get paid to study.
Lets see how old I'll be.
21: Graduate college
23: Ended military
25: Finished Studying GRE + Coding
27: Finished Internship or College (Acquire recommendation letters)
29: Finished Graduate School
Fk... This is all about endurance. Its all about never giving up.
I need to ask for recommendation in advance to see if it works. fml. FK
FK the problem was I started to lack motivation to study since my school has nothing that can make me happy. fk. It was study study study study study.
Fk it I'm owning everyone. The 2 years I'll spend in my room coding will dominate everyone. You have no idea what happens when I get motivated. Hatred gives me power. Its just that I've had to love people forcefully fml.
Well, I'll probably see the world dark then too.... fml .... Idk its hard to see the world positive when you're not doing anything fun. You just work work work. Its nice to have food with friends tho. Its just that we talk about depressing things together. idk lol few other Koreans have the same problem. Idk..
Maybe I should have gave up on computer science and do something else. Man I'm so arrogant lol. I suck at it and I still am doing it lol. I got a lot of help but still. Its quite amazing. Well, I do need to polish up my coding.
After I get back from military I need to buy few things.
1. Air conditioner
2. Mini fridge
3. Desk.
4. Big monitor
5. A lot of books.
FK I'll have to live in a haunted house. But the thing about this house is that everyone who lived in it became rich. Not joking. I actually got into an engineering school after I studied in that house. lol. Well, the thing was I couldn't sleep because I was too scared lolololol. man..... good
Man... life is confusing. Well the good thing about going back to korea is that I don't have to care about people. I mean I hate caring. Its just that I have to. fml. Or people will become like me. lol
Monday, January 14, 2013
Half empty Half full.
I thought I was person that would see the world half empty. I came to a realization that I look at the world completely empty. Thus, when I see a half empty world, I am pleasantly surprised. FML.
FKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
FKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
done
I finished analyzing myself. I've also finished analyzing other people's behaviors. It doesn't mean that I can figure out everything about another person. I can't predict people's behaviors, but I know what they are doing. Why they are loosing themselves.
I've realized I have too much empathy. It is dangerous. I mean I can technically abuse it as well as use it for good use. In most cases, I use it to help. However, it hurts my head every time I use it since I'm living their misery as well. lol Its a curse. Gift my ass. Doesn't help in surviving the world.
I'm so tired.Fk.
I wish my life was a bit more boring.I'm kind of tired of living the future.
I've realized I have too much empathy. It is dangerous. I mean I can technically abuse it as well as use it for good use. In most cases, I use it to help. However, it hurts my head every time I use it since I'm living their misery as well. lol Its a curse. Gift my ass. Doesn't help in surviving the world.
I'm so tired.Fk.
I wish my life was a bit more boring.I'm kind of tired of living the future.
Friday, January 11, 2013
I understand
The reason why I only love depressed people. Well, I was born to care about people who cried. But, I've realized why I can't love normally. The problem I have this barrier. Its too great. From moving to places to places my barrier got thicker as I had to keep losing friends. Bullying from other children also lead to a thick barrier. Another thing is my dad almost died. So my barrier got even thicker. Thus, I was living in misery. However, in order to keep sanity, I created a character that never take things seriously. The only reason I get decent grades is so that my parents leave me alone. Its just ok. However, I seem to remove this barrier when people are depressed. So, thats the only way I can have a relationship. Its impossible to have a normal relationship. Also I've realized, I'll start taking life seriously, after I am able to obtain a stable relationship. That is the only way I'll become serious. So, this is the curse I live with.
I understand now. I was hitting the bushes but I understand the way I love now. Its why I can keep giving without getting hurt. The barrier never let my heart get hurt. Thus, making me heartless. If you don't have a heart, it doesn't hurt to give, continuously. If I think about the amount I gave to people, not a lot of people can still do it. I just need to break the curse somehow.
I can't believe this is happening. Its like I'm living in a story book. Life is weird. This is messed up. I'm a very unique being. I can't do anything about it myself.
My god this is mind blowing.
Introspections after introspections, finally I've found myself. Answered my reason for being depressed. Answered why my depression is curse. Found why I care about depressed people. Why I never serious. Why mentality is so unhealthy. I need to return to Korea and take care of some business. May take couple of years. I need to learn how to become a code monkey. America teaches concepts well, but lacks teaching in coding itself. Idk I might do computer science for graduate school as well. I suck at coding completely. However, I never lost to anyone when I was learning concepts. I'm 21 right now. 23 I'll be done with national service. I'll become a code monkey by 25. Do graduate school at 27. Idk we'll see. I'll have to prepare for GRE. My GPA is only decent. Maybe I'll just get a 4.0 this semester. Yeah... might as well. I'm bored anyways. The maximum potential of a human comes out when he fears death. I'll just kill myself if I don't.
Lets see.
INTA 1200: Ez A
Networking: A or B
AI: A or B
Senior Project: A or B
Statistics: A
Compiler: A or B
I'll do it or kill myself. Its how I do things, its just that I got exhausted. I mean this mentality is very unhealthy. But it was the only way to survive back then when I was completely stupid. Lets do it.
Note to self: stop dancing in front of strangers. I know its helping you create endorphins but I think you're embarrassing yourself. lol
Maybe I shouldn't do service, but I want to go to Iraq. Idk I just want to experience the worst of the worst condition of living. It probably doesn't help when you're always in the middle upper class society. However, I want to learn to survive in the worst condition. Meet the worst people. Know about the two different worlds people live in. I already visited it before. I just want to revisit it. See how it changed. I want to see if I can conquer them now. Test, how much I changed. If I can endure the whole pain again. I know I sound like a masochist. No. I just want to become immune to pain. I wonder if you accept a large amount of pain, you stop feeling pain. Idk maybe I'll be more broken. Its either free from pain or be more broken. Idk people without a heart are invincible. Idk... heartless doesn't mean the person is selfish. It just means they are immune to pain.
Its what Asian fathers are. Not the ones now but, the ones from older generations. Most of them are very broken. However, they never say a word about it. No matter what situation they are in. They don't show emotions. I'm pretty sure they suffered so much that what we experience is nothing to them. I want to do the same. Feel every pain to the extreme.
I just hope my parents don't realize what I'm doing LOL. fml. The thing is the upper we go to society, the nicer people are. We keep forgetting that the lower part of society is different. Also the future is unpredictable. Its better to prepare.
btw, when I say lower, middle, upper. I'm talking about different mentalities not wealth.
However, there is one problem in my scheme. I'll be socially awkward for a while LOL I'll only be socializing myself with lower people. Thus, when I get back to the upper society, I'll see everyone as nice people...Niceness is relative. Idk. We'll see.
My friend wants to create a charity foundation. I might join in as well.He is probably going to succeed because he is smart as hell. But the problem is he doesn't know how to play dirty. You have to do a lot of dirty tactics to make a company successful. Its really about how well you can take advantage of people. I'll just watch how it works out. He should abuse the fact that people want to look nice without effort.
I'm not overthinking k? My bus driver was a drug lord. He got fked because he took the drugs himself and blew all the money.
I understand now. I was hitting the bushes but I understand the way I love now. Its why I can keep giving without getting hurt. The barrier never let my heart get hurt. Thus, making me heartless. If you don't have a heart, it doesn't hurt to give, continuously. If I think about the amount I gave to people, not a lot of people can still do it. I just need to break the curse somehow.
I can't believe this is happening. Its like I'm living in a story book. Life is weird. This is messed up. I'm a very unique being. I can't do anything about it myself.
My god this is mind blowing.
Introspections after introspections, finally I've found myself. Answered my reason for being depressed. Answered why my depression is curse. Found why I care about depressed people. Why I never serious. Why mentality is so unhealthy. I need to return to Korea and take care of some business. May take couple of years. I need to learn how to become a code monkey. America teaches concepts well, but lacks teaching in coding itself. Idk I might do computer science for graduate school as well. I suck at coding completely. However, I never lost to anyone when I was learning concepts. I'm 21 right now. 23 I'll be done with national service. I'll become a code monkey by 25. Do graduate school at 27. Idk we'll see. I'll have to prepare for GRE. My GPA is only decent. Maybe I'll just get a 4.0 this semester. Yeah... might as well. I'm bored anyways. The maximum potential of a human comes out when he fears death. I'll just kill myself if I don't.
Lets see.
INTA 1200: Ez A
Networking: A or B
AI: A or B
Senior Project: A or B
Statistics: A
Compiler: A or B
I'll do it or kill myself. Its how I do things, its just that I got exhausted. I mean this mentality is very unhealthy. But it was the only way to survive back then when I was completely stupid. Lets do it.
Note to self: stop dancing in front of strangers. I know its helping you create endorphins but I think you're embarrassing yourself. lol
Maybe I shouldn't do service, but I want to go to Iraq. Idk I just want to experience the worst of the worst condition of living. It probably doesn't help when you're always in the middle upper class society. However, I want to learn to survive in the worst condition. Meet the worst people. Know about the two different worlds people live in. I already visited it before. I just want to revisit it. See how it changed. I want to see if I can conquer them now. Test, how much I changed. If I can endure the whole pain again. I know I sound like a masochist. No. I just want to become immune to pain. I wonder if you accept a large amount of pain, you stop feeling pain. Idk maybe I'll be more broken. Its either free from pain or be more broken. Idk people without a heart are invincible. Idk... heartless doesn't mean the person is selfish. It just means they are immune to pain.
Its what Asian fathers are. Not the ones now but, the ones from older generations. Most of them are very broken. However, they never say a word about it. No matter what situation they are in. They don't show emotions. I'm pretty sure they suffered so much that what we experience is nothing to them. I want to do the same. Feel every pain to the extreme.
I just hope my parents don't realize what I'm doing LOL. fml. The thing is the upper we go to society, the nicer people are. We keep forgetting that the lower part of society is different. Also the future is unpredictable. Its better to prepare.
btw, when I say lower, middle, upper. I'm talking about different mentalities not wealth.
However, there is one problem in my scheme. I'll be socially awkward for a while LOL I'll only be socializing myself with lower people. Thus, when I get back to the upper society, I'll see everyone as nice people...Niceness is relative. Idk. We'll see.
My friend wants to create a charity foundation. I might join in as well.He is probably going to succeed because he is smart as hell. But the problem is he doesn't know how to play dirty. You have to do a lot of dirty tactics to make a company successful. Its really about how well you can take advantage of people. I'll just watch how it works out. He should abuse the fact that people want to look nice without effort.
I'm not overthinking k? My bus driver was a drug lord. He got fked because he took the drugs himself and blew all the money.
Its insane how I forgot myself
I seem to have forgot myself completely lol. WTF. When I re-watch videos of myself, I keep realizing I changed A LOT. WTF...I can't believe time passed by so fast. I keep living the past when I was short, fat and ugly. Man.. wtf happened?
One problem is that I have disconnection in thought and speech. Idk what to do about that. My intentions and wants disconnect. My inner-self and outer-self are completely different people. Fk this curse.
One problem is that I have disconnection in thought and speech. Idk what to do about that. My intentions and wants disconnect. My inner-self and outer-self are completely different people. Fk this curse.
Everyone seems to listen to their parents.
I don't get it. Why do people let their parents take control of their lives? Why don't they fight their parents? I can't because of guilt and my parents' health. But, back then I fought for what I wanted. Right now I gave up. However, it seems people are stupid for listening to their parents. They can't control you after you leave the house. They could try to control you financially and etc. However, they can't really.
They have no power to. They could disown you but thats it. You enjoy your life. Make your own decisions. Well, they do know what is best for the kid but its out dated. I'll probably be outdated when I raise my kid too.
Idk.. I'll probably focus on teaching why he wants to live and what he wants to become. Teach him about the concept of past, present, future. Living in the present, visiting the future, and learning from the past. I think its more about teaching key concepts of life rather than forcing him to learn things.
They have no power to. They could disown you but thats it. You enjoy your life. Make your own decisions. Well, they do know what is best for the kid but its out dated. I'll probably be outdated when I raise my kid too.
Idk.. I'll probably focus on teaching why he wants to live and what he wants to become. Teach him about the concept of past, present, future. Living in the present, visiting the future, and learning from the past. I think its more about teaching key concepts of life rather than forcing him to learn things.
Fears
I used to use fear to motivate myself. It seems fear is over taking me. However, I have to keep doing things on impulse. It works better that way.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
The Innocent Man.
I have to watch that drama again. I don't understand. Why does he have that personality? Why am I like him. Well, exactly like him. I can't stop questioning myself. Its so stupid. The thing I didn't realize it until now. I realized I am relatively less selfish. I don't understand. Its hard to understand.
He actually was exposed to a lot of evils since he was from the Korean ghetto. Well, I guess protection doesn't really matter since my parents didn't protect me. My parents actually made everything worst. lol. Idk fml...being myself is very hard. You give and never receive. If you receive its going against the rule I've created myself. Idk. Yeah... I think the problem is I got hatred for giving few times. I don't mind giving and then becoming strangers. Its just that I've received hate. It was the same for the main character.
I've realized I am disconnected. Its messed up. I don't even know how to fix it. I wish I could. What am I suppose to do? I think I've closed up completely. I'm back to myself when I was a child. No such thing as missing people.
Idk.. wtf... Just live life my style. Never take life seriously. If you take life seriously, a lot of thing hurts. If you laugh at life as a joke, everything is funny! I keep forgetting that. I forgot about it because life did get better. I forgot the rules I made for myself because everything a lot nicer than before.
Extremely nicer.
btw. Watch out for psychopaths. I actually could be one its just that I prefer not to. They are the ones that destroy people. I'm the one that fixes them. Its impossible to fix them, but its possible to open them up. I've opened a lot of people. Idk just natural. Idk if you just experience a lot of things its easier. Also, if you notice a lot of things, its easier. Idk.
Idk fk my brain. What happened?
He actually was exposed to a lot of evils since he was from the Korean ghetto. Well, I guess protection doesn't really matter since my parents didn't protect me. My parents actually made everything worst. lol. Idk fml...being myself is very hard. You give and never receive. If you receive its going against the rule I've created myself. Idk. Yeah... I think the problem is I got hatred for giving few times. I don't mind giving and then becoming strangers. Its just that I've received hate. It was the same for the main character.
I've realized I am disconnected. Its messed up. I don't even know how to fix it. I wish I could. What am I suppose to do? I think I've closed up completely. I'm back to myself when I was a child. No such thing as missing people.
Idk.. wtf... Just live life my style. Never take life seriously. If you take life seriously, a lot of thing hurts. If you laugh at life as a joke, everything is funny! I keep forgetting that. I forgot about it because life did get better. I forgot the rules I made for myself because everything a lot nicer than before.
Extremely nicer.
btw. Watch out for psychopaths. I actually could be one its just that I prefer not to. They are the ones that destroy people. I'm the one that fixes them. Its impossible to fix them, but its possible to open them up. I've opened a lot of people. Idk just natural. Idk if you just experience a lot of things its easier. Also, if you notice a lot of things, its easier. Idk.
Idk fk my brain. What happened?
Looking for his mother.
Hey guys I know most of you guy don't visit my blog because I've been going through a lot of introspection. If you guys actually have facebook please share this.
He just wants to find his mother.
I got bigger. fml.
Ok my friend told me I look buff. I can't believe I grew up wtf. Idk its hard to accept reality. Idk I thik its because I was too busy living life. I forgot myself completely. How much I changed and etc. Physically and mentally. I'm so confused. No wonder people are nice to me. I look like a freaking bully.
When I get home, I'm going to ask my Korean friend about everything. I'm so confused. fml. I really don't know what to do. I know my career paths. Idk maybe its ok to be an adult kid.
Fk I'm just going to live in my world of music. Fk everything.
When I get home, I'm going to ask my Korean friend about everything. I'm so confused. fml. I really don't know what to do. I know my career paths. Idk maybe its ok to be an adult kid.
Fk I'm just going to live in my world of music. Fk everything.
fml
Ok. I'm actually suffering from delusional beliefs and wants.
I belief in something but I want it. Say I want to eat an ice cream. I believe I can't eat an ice cream but I'll want to eat an ice cream. Its more I'll refuse to eat an ice cream due to my belief. Its a mental torture.
Idk I guess I'm just really broken. Its because my life was mostly about loosing things or getting hurt. I was either being bullied or I moved. Its hard to believe people lasts. Its hard to believe people aren't evil. Well, the thing, I myself is a counter example of evil people. I lasted longer for other people as well. Thus, I am this counter example, yet I still believe in these stupid beliefs. Fk... I can't do this. Its like living in a mini-hell you created yourself. Its actually becoming hard to fit in now that I've been alway from society so much. I keep doing things differently than people. Think differently as well. I'm not just believing in traditional Asian values, I'm also believing in values from children story books. Wow, shit... my God. When I was a child I did wish and pray that I'll always remain as a child. I didn't know it would actually happen.
So, basically I'm a child that is 21 years old. No its not like everyone has a child in me or something like that. I fked it up and refused to be mature. fml... but idk.I mean I always do things only if I feel like it. Well, I only do enough studying so I can graduate with a decent GPA. Idk.. I'm going to the military, everything seems pointless.
Idk fml. I didn't know it will be this bad. I don't know what to do with myself. I need to change myself but its like impossible. You can change people, but thats only if you put insane amount of effort in it. Idk... most people give up on me. Fk... Idk it is possible though. One person almost succeeded. Its just that she didn't realize what she was doing. The thing is she was more into using me rather than helping me. She enjoyed being the solo person inside my barrier. Idk some people are just psychopaths. I sometimes wonder if I'm one too. Its why I refuse to accept things in return usually. Idk, I feel bad. I sound like a masochist but if you actually follow childhood books, everyone self sacrifice.
Man people these days....
I belief in something but I want it. Say I want to eat an ice cream. I believe I can't eat an ice cream but I'll want to eat an ice cream. Its more I'll refuse to eat an ice cream due to my belief. Its a mental torture.
Idk I guess I'm just really broken. Its because my life was mostly about loosing things or getting hurt. I was either being bullied or I moved. Its hard to believe people lasts. Its hard to believe people aren't evil. Well, the thing, I myself is a counter example of evil people. I lasted longer for other people as well. Thus, I am this counter example, yet I still believe in these stupid beliefs. Fk... I can't do this. Its like living in a mini-hell you created yourself. Its actually becoming hard to fit in now that I've been alway from society so much. I keep doing things differently than people. Think differently as well. I'm not just believing in traditional Asian values, I'm also believing in values from children story books. Wow, shit... my God. When I was a child I did wish and pray that I'll always remain as a child. I didn't know it would actually happen.
So, basically I'm a child that is 21 years old. No its not like everyone has a child in me or something like that. I fked it up and refused to be mature. fml... but idk.I mean I always do things only if I feel like it. Well, I only do enough studying so I can graduate with a decent GPA. Idk.. I'm going to the military, everything seems pointless.
Idk fml. I didn't know it will be this bad. I don't know what to do with myself. I need to change myself but its like impossible. You can change people, but thats only if you put insane amount of effort in it. Idk... most people give up on me. Fk... Idk it is possible though. One person almost succeeded. Its just that she didn't realize what she was doing. The thing is she was more into using me rather than helping me. She enjoyed being the solo person inside my barrier. Idk some people are just psychopaths. I sometimes wonder if I'm one too. Its why I refuse to accept things in return usually. Idk, I feel bad. I sound like a masochist but if you actually follow childhood books, everyone self sacrifice.
Man people these days....
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Well today...
I'll take pleasure in recreating my laptop,
I have to read, read, enjoy recreating laptop, study That is the plan for today.
I need to make a video as well.
Life is busy.
Idk....... what am I suppose to do..........
Why am i so weird fml. Idk... fml
I have to read, read, enjoy recreating laptop, study That is the plan for today.
I need to make a video as well.
Life is busy.
Idk....... what am I suppose to do..........
Why am i so weird fml. Idk... fml
gibberish
my expectation of caring for others is quite simple. I just want them to care about others. Spread the love. I don't know if I helped someone, and the other person helps another person. Life would be better. I know its a bit over idealistic. It doesn't happen often.
Like few days ago, I spent money on someone who lacked money. Idk.. few days later, I asked her if she could just get a job. Then she can get a decent job and get around 70k a year. That is a lot compared to what my parents get. My dad gets around 20k when he started his job. Life was not that great back then. We didn't have a place to live and etc. I mean its all back then so I really don't care. We have enough now. Even enough to give to others. But the thing is this person told me its not enough. She wants a sports car and burberry coats. Idk........
Usually what happens to people who have starved before is that they can't ignore people who starved. Its how it works. I wish she did the same. show kindness to those who aren't as wealthy, not waste everything on herself.
I'm not giving because I'm rich.
btw those who are looking for fake friends and popularity. Its really easy actually. Just spend a lot on yourself. Pretend to be happy and people will follow. Its just how it works. A lot of people will take interest and try to join your life. Obviously when they realize you're not as happy as they think you are, they'll leave.
If you use this you can actually make a lot of money. Well, its called cheating but pepole do it anyways. Just spend a lot on yourself. Tell that selling this product gives you wealth fast and easy. make them sellers. Keep spending on yourself and tell everyone how happy you are.
Humans will get curious of how you make money fast and easy. They'll join the boat. But in reality, they're not earning anything.
Idk...
Its how it is. Even I was attracted to a happy person. Well, I just wanted to know how to be happy. The problem is she faked it... She was one of those miserable people. fml.. The problem is I could never make her happy... man when this happens is fking sad.. fml Idk I suck...................The problem is when I see a happy person, I want the person to be happy when she leaves. It feels wrong, for the person to leave sad. It feels like its my fault. fml. This actually is due to lack of self confidence but the problem is its hard to have self confidence, living as a minority, family problems and etc. The good thing is I believe in myself FK YEAH. That is the main thing. Plus, my outer-self is fearless. fml......... Idk its so stupid. I'm scared of deep water. I'll jump in. I'm scared of heights, I'll do it. I'm scared of bullies, I'll annoy them. fmlfmlfmflmflmflmflfml. I'm screwed. Idk I make too much trouble. fml......... oh well. too bad.
There is one thing I have to take note of. NEVER talk to old people. I keep asking them why do they live.... Its not like I'm asking them to die. Its just that I'm curious, but the problem is I say this happily. You know with a smile. FML FML FMLASDFDASFASFASF Its kind of why my grandma hates me. Every time I visit her I tell her oh shit your still alive? ASFASDFDASFASFa
Idk... I should stop that but idk..................man...... I'm going to feel guilty............
I actually enjoy life as long as I can laugh. Find something funny. Its just that its been harder to find something funny. Funny people are harder to find as I'm funnier than most people. tv shows are repetitive Well, I guess. I'm boring too after a while. I guess life is suppose to be boring.
Note to myself. I'm going to raise my child in a hut in one of those ghetto areas. Never buying him stuff. I'll buy him a computer but that's it. nothing else. I think he should go through bullying and etc. Its good for him. Only in college I'll spoil him. I'm going to spoil him so badly omg. He'll be like WTF DAD. Idk its better to learn it the hard way. Experiences help.
But one thing is I wish he didn't care about others. Well, Idk. Thinking about what others think goes two ways. It can be harmful and helpful. It is helpful in helping others. You are aware of the situation the other person is going through. However, if you care about what others think of you, you'll constantly be miserable. Its how it is. I don't mind misery so I'm fine. Well, I am emo. I just never admit it and always fought depression.
Idk... what can i do about anything? I loose friends like you gamble away your money. Its been long since I started tobelieve I'm a being meant to live alone. Idk I can't help it. My personality is unattractive to girls anyways. Well, the subconscious part of my personality. Idk I enjoy it to an extent. idk its just that Korea is a really bad place to be alone XD fml... people keep staring at you like you're some freak. Its just that I'm too used to doing everything alone. ok? Its not like I don't have friends. I just want to eat tasty food alone with music. Idk music is so good. It excludes me from everyone. I don't have to care. Unless someone is dying. I'll probably remove my headphones then. But, if that doesn't happen.... I'll live in my world. Its such a nice world. I should stop dancing without noticing though XD XD XD
fmlfmlfml.
Oh well.
I wonder too much.
I wish I could make that person who I met online happy. Idk its too early for her to give up. Idk she can't hurt me so its fine. Only my mom can hurt me. She is really good at it. My dad? he is nice. He ignores me back then but its ok.... He'll probably do that again if I embarrass him. Idk fk him.
Its either I don't have a heart or I have a big heart. However, I do hate people that try to use me. Idk what am I. I hate being controlled. I do things for others. Idk I'll just stop questioning myself. Its too confusing. Its hard to understand. Idk... fml
Even people don't understand me. I get hated for being nice. wtf.... Its because they went through some shit in the past where someone pretended to be nice and fked them up in the past.
fml fml fml
idk what to do with myself. ...................................................
idk fkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
whatever. My dad told me to be nice to people for some reason. He lived long enough he knows something. He probably said that because he thinks I'm not good at making friends -.- fml....... Idk maybe he knows something. Idk... he is stupid and smart. I'm stupid and smart too fml.... Idkk just do what I feel like.
Man this semester is very busy........ I need to sleep way less.
Like few days ago, I spent money on someone who lacked money. Idk.. few days later, I asked her if she could just get a job. Then she can get a decent job and get around 70k a year. That is a lot compared to what my parents get. My dad gets around 20k when he started his job. Life was not that great back then. We didn't have a place to live and etc. I mean its all back then so I really don't care. We have enough now. Even enough to give to others. But the thing is this person told me its not enough. She wants a sports car and burberry coats. Idk........
Usually what happens to people who have starved before is that they can't ignore people who starved. Its how it works. I wish she did the same. show kindness to those who aren't as wealthy, not waste everything on herself.
I'm not giving because I'm rich.
btw those who are looking for fake friends and popularity. Its really easy actually. Just spend a lot on yourself. Pretend to be happy and people will follow. Its just how it works. A lot of people will take interest and try to join your life. Obviously when they realize you're not as happy as they think you are, they'll leave.
If you use this you can actually make a lot of money. Well, its called cheating but pepole do it anyways. Just spend a lot on yourself. Tell that selling this product gives you wealth fast and easy. make them sellers. Keep spending on yourself and tell everyone how happy you are.
Humans will get curious of how you make money fast and easy. They'll join the boat. But in reality, they're not earning anything.
Idk...
Its how it is. Even I was attracted to a happy person. Well, I just wanted to know how to be happy. The problem is she faked it... She was one of those miserable people. fml.. The problem is I could never make her happy... man when this happens is fking sad.. fml Idk I suck...................The problem is when I see a happy person, I want the person to be happy when she leaves. It feels wrong, for the person to leave sad. It feels like its my fault. fml. This actually is due to lack of self confidence but the problem is its hard to have self confidence, living as a minority, family problems and etc. The good thing is I believe in myself FK YEAH. That is the main thing. Plus, my outer-self is fearless. fml......... Idk its so stupid. I'm scared of deep water. I'll jump in. I'm scared of heights, I'll do it. I'm scared of bullies, I'll annoy them. fmlfmlfmflmflmflmflfml. I'm screwed. Idk I make too much trouble. fml......... oh well. too bad.
There is one thing I have to take note of. NEVER talk to old people. I keep asking them why do they live.... Its not like I'm asking them to die. Its just that I'm curious, but the problem is I say this happily. You know with a smile. FML FML FMLASDFDASFASFASF Its kind of why my grandma hates me. Every time I visit her I tell her oh shit your still alive? ASFASDFDASFASFa
Idk... I should stop that but idk..................man...... I'm going to feel guilty............
I actually enjoy life as long as I can laugh. Find something funny. Its just that its been harder to find something funny. Funny people are harder to find as I'm funnier than most people. tv shows are repetitive Well, I guess. I'm boring too after a while. I guess life is suppose to be boring.
Note to myself. I'm going to raise my child in a hut in one of those ghetto areas. Never buying him stuff. I'll buy him a computer but that's it. nothing else. I think he should go through bullying and etc. Its good for him. Only in college I'll spoil him. I'm going to spoil him so badly omg. He'll be like WTF DAD. Idk its better to learn it the hard way. Experiences help.
But one thing is I wish he didn't care about others. Well, Idk. Thinking about what others think goes two ways. It can be harmful and helpful. It is helpful in helping others. You are aware of the situation the other person is going through. However, if you care about what others think of you, you'll constantly be miserable. Its how it is. I don't mind misery so I'm fine. Well, I am emo. I just never admit it and always fought depression.
Idk... what can i do about anything? I loose friends like you gamble away your money. Its been long since I started tobelieve I'm a being meant to live alone. Idk I can't help it. My personality is unattractive to girls anyways. Well, the subconscious part of my personality. Idk I enjoy it to an extent. idk its just that Korea is a really bad place to be alone XD fml... people keep staring at you like you're some freak. Its just that I'm too used to doing everything alone. ok? Its not like I don't have friends. I just want to eat tasty food alone with music. Idk music is so good. It excludes me from everyone. I don't have to care. Unless someone is dying. I'll probably remove my headphones then. But, if that doesn't happen.... I'll live in my world. Its such a nice world. I should stop dancing without noticing though XD XD XD
fmlfmlfml.
Oh well.
I wonder too much.
I wish I could make that person who I met online happy. Idk its too early for her to give up. Idk she can't hurt me so its fine. Only my mom can hurt me. She is really good at it. My dad? he is nice. He ignores me back then but its ok.... He'll probably do that again if I embarrass him. Idk fk him.
Its either I don't have a heart or I have a big heart. However, I do hate people that try to use me. Idk what am I. I hate being controlled. I do things for others. Idk I'll just stop questioning myself. Its too confusing. Its hard to understand. Idk... fml
Even people don't understand me. I get hated for being nice. wtf.... Its because they went through some shit in the past where someone pretended to be nice and fked them up in the past.
fml fml fml
idk what to do with myself. ...................................................
idk fkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
whatever. My dad told me to be nice to people for some reason. He lived long enough he knows something. He probably said that because he thinks I'm not good at making friends -.- fml....... Idk maybe he knows something. Idk... he is stupid and smart. I'm stupid and smart too fml.... Idkk just do what I feel like.
Man this semester is very busy........ I need to sleep way less.
Budget
I actually thought I could spend a bit more this semester. My computer fked up... I'm now tight on budget. I guess I'll focus on basic needs.
I haven't managed my budget for a long time. I'll see how it goes :)
I haven't managed my budget for a long time. I'll see how it goes :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Hypocrite
I guess I'm a hypocrite. Telling people to love themselves. I do understand what they are going through though. People are hating themselves to improve themselves. As for me I hate myself so I can study harder. I mean if you love yourself, you don't improve. Why would you study? I'm happy with my life. I'm happy being lazy. I don't want to study. This is where self hatred comes in. If you hate yourself, it motivates you to improve yourself.
The problem is is there a goal state? When do you stop hating yourself? My goal state is when I get a job. After I get a job, there is no need to hate myself. The only problem is that if pessimism over takes you, you lose. You end up going through a cycle of depression. If you manage to reach your goal state without getting into the cycle, you win.
I think a lot of people hate themselves for their looks. The problem with looks is that there is no goal state. How do you know when you can stop?
Another thing about self hatred is that you close yourself up. Punish yourself as well. Its mental torture. The reason I'm a bit more sane is because of my laziness counters this. I don't care about a lot of things. If I was not lazy, I believe this would be insane. Self hatred also leads to external source of love. You need someone to love you in order to love yourself. Its why people who hate themselves can't live alone. Since there isn't another person loving them, they keep hating themselves.
Its really bad for you.
Well, I'm just a hypocrite.
I don't know. I can't help it. I need to be smarter. If I actually went to a liberal arts school, I would have done a lot better.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Man I love social studies. omg
Today, I got to take a social study class. Omfg. Its so much fun! fml. Difference between heaven and hell...
Actually as long as I don't have to code, I'm really ok with computer science.
Actually as long as I don't have to code, I'm really ok with computer science.
Yeah this is all because I'm broken.
I guess I am one of those broken people. I mentally killed myself to the point where I stopped caring about myself, completely. Its probably why I excessively care about others. Its quite embarrassing I gave up on myself XD. Pathetic. Well, its probably when I realized even family doesn't last, I gave up. I mean if you start believing you are destined to live alone, nothing matters. But its ok! I enjoy having no responsibility and being care free. Technically I can easily have a relationship. Its just that I question it too much. I mean I was at the bottom before. I've lost relationships due to distance. I wonder if this person would love me if I'm at the bottom and would this person be able to overcome even distance.
Its really not that bad if you accept it. I mean so what? I've lived alone for so long, what difference does it make if I live alone a bit more? Man... I'll be that sexy single who shake his ass. in front of ladies. LOL
Idk its not that bad. Keep preventing others to become like me. I've already opened up a lot of people. I feel I'm thankful for all the pain I've experienced. If I didn't experience these pains, I would have never been able to open up people, relate these issues.
I really don't know how to raise my children. I'll probably let them experience all the pain I've been through because I want them to be experienced. But, I'll make sure that they can do what I did. Care about others.
Man I;m so cool. Only if God made me God, I'll be the coolest God. I'll program humans to enjoy stripping and everyday would a stripping day. omg fking sexy.
Its really not that bad if you accept it. I mean so what? I've lived alone for so long, what difference does it make if I live alone a bit more? Man... I'll be that sexy single who shake his ass. in front of ladies. LOL
Idk its not that bad. Keep preventing others to become like me. I've already opened up a lot of people. I feel I'm thankful for all the pain I've experienced. If I didn't experience these pains, I would have never been able to open up people, relate these issues.
I really don't know how to raise my children. I'll probably let them experience all the pain I've been through because I want them to be experienced. But, I'll make sure that they can do what I did. Care about others.
Man I;m so cool. Only if God made me God, I'll be the coolest God. I'll program humans to enjoy stripping and everyday would a stripping day. omg fking sexy.
how can you trust someone?
I was having dinner with few female friends. One of them were having trouble finding true friends. So, I've explained that those are the friends that last. She realized that she had quite a handful. That is good. However, the problem is she can't get a boyfriend if she is too closed up like before. If she does and something goes wrong, she can't recover. So that was solved.
Next, we were talking about players. We realized we can't distinguish players. Idk.... I told them to date boring people. Obviously they refused.... Oh well. I tried. Idk... Well, I'm suppose to be worried about male beings too, but Idk.. I seem to care about women more. Its probably because I have a sister and I've become over protective. I should care about male people who got friendzoned. To be honest, I see really nice people being friendzoned. I really think girls should take them into consideration for dating. Idk.. you knew them for a long time, it helps. As for me, I don't mind being friendzoned. I mean I have trust issues as well. Its better to know someone for a long time and I gave up since I move too much. fml....Life sucks.fml. fml. I can't go against distance fml. We didn't have skype or anything like that back then. fml. Idk its really awkward. How am I suppose to trust someone. fml............ fml............ fml............ Nice people are the ones I want to trust.... The thing is..... nice people? They're shy selfish people fml.............. Its either confident mean selfish people or shy nice selfish people........fml
Idk.. fml fml fml.. I'll just adopt and live as a single parent. Thats it!!!! idk fml. I wish I was smarter. That way I could earn more and have a healthy family. Idk... women also earn as much these days. However, I still live in traditional Asia where the man earns the bread XD fml my mindset sucks... fk my parents... Idk it seems people are getting more and more desperate for a relationship. People all want tall, rich, nice job and etc. As people get older, everyone gives up a thing or two. I'm stupid so I look at how broken a person is.....wtf I don't even know what to do. Am I screwed?...... Idk why I am like this.. usually people avoid broken people...
I keep pretending to be God. I keep doing things God should be doing. God is the person that is suppose to love broken people.. What am I doing... ? Idk... Just do what I feel like.
fml... this is why I hate God. He always manges to use me. I guess I do owe him. fml. I'm not even a faithful religious person. fml... I hardly go to church.
Next, we were talking about players. We realized we can't distinguish players. Idk.... I told them to date boring people. Obviously they refused.... Oh well. I tried. Idk... Well, I'm suppose to be worried about male beings too, but Idk.. I seem to care about women more. Its probably because I have a sister and I've become over protective. I should care about male people who got friendzoned. To be honest, I see really nice people being friendzoned. I really think girls should take them into consideration for dating. Idk.. you knew them for a long time, it helps. As for me, I don't mind being friendzoned. I mean I have trust issues as well. Its better to know someone for a long time and I gave up since I move too much. fml....Life sucks.fml. fml. I can't go against distance fml. We didn't have skype or anything like that back then. fml. Idk its really awkward. How am I suppose to trust someone. fml............ fml............ fml............ Nice people are the ones I want to trust.... The thing is..... nice people? They're shy selfish people fml.............. Its either confident mean selfish people or shy nice selfish people........fml
Idk.. fml fml fml.. I'll just adopt and live as a single parent. Thats it!!!! idk fml. I wish I was smarter. That way I could earn more and have a healthy family. Idk... women also earn as much these days. However, I still live in traditional Asia where the man earns the bread XD fml my mindset sucks... fk my parents... Idk it seems people are getting more and more desperate for a relationship. People all want tall, rich, nice job and etc. As people get older, everyone gives up a thing or two. I'm stupid so I look at how broken a person is.....wtf I don't even know what to do. Am I screwed?...... Idk why I am like this.. usually people avoid broken people...
I keep pretending to be God. I keep doing things God should be doing. God is the person that is suppose to love broken people.. What am I doing... ? Idk... Just do what I feel like.
fml... this is why I hate God. He always manges to use me. I guess I do owe him. fml. I'm not even a faithful religious person. fml... I hardly go to church.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Nightmares
I keep having nightmares of people changing themselves. To a certain extent changing themselves is good. However, in my dreams everyone changed for the worst. Everyone stopped being true to their beliefs. They keep destroying themselves. They never stop. If they keep destroying themselves, they go farther away from happiness. They use bandaids.
I really don't know what to do.
Fk. I'll do it to prove a point, like I always did. I've done so much irrational things to prove a point.
I hate empathy. Last time I was emotionally connected to someone, I had the fear of living alone. That person made me forget I enjoy being alone. I just need music and I'm fine.
I have a really interesting personality.
Love meat
Love stripping
Always have have music on
So cocky
Well, I was a lot more funnier, its just that I'm a bit tired. Too much happened. Idk... I just hate hurting others, but its inevitable when you have interpersonal relationships. The guilt from hurting a family member, always prevented me from getting close to people. If I'm friends, I can help, but can't hurt.
Living nice all depends on how long my parents live. Yeah this is all because of that traumatic event. Well, the benefit is having a good reputation. Yay, but not really. I'm not all that clean.
I need to do things that will make me happy.
Practice pool.
Read books.
Run. - I have to
Practice guitar.
I really don't know what to do.
Fk. I'll do it to prove a point, like I always did. I've done so much irrational things to prove a point.
I hate empathy. Last time I was emotionally connected to someone, I had the fear of living alone. That person made me forget I enjoy being alone. I just need music and I'm fine.
I have a really interesting personality.
Love meat
Love stripping
Always have have music on
So cocky
Well, I was a lot more funnier, its just that I'm a bit tired. Too much happened. Idk... I just hate hurting others, but its inevitable when you have interpersonal relationships. The guilt from hurting a family member, always prevented me from getting close to people. If I'm friends, I can help, but can't hurt.
Living nice all depends on how long my parents live. Yeah this is all because of that traumatic event. Well, the benefit is having a good reputation. Yay, but not really. I'm not all that clean.
I need to do things that will make me happy.
Practice pool.
Read books.
Run. - I have to
Practice guitar.
True friends. True love.
Today I have to talk someone about true friends. She was talking about how she doesn't have any true friends. Idk... the problem she had the opportunity to live with a friend for 8 years. I really think true friends are just friends who last longer. Having someone last for 8 years is quite amazing. To know a lot of things about you.
I think this person is actually looking for a boyfriend. Boyfriends are the next level. Technically I can be her true friend but, I'm too busy dealing with another person. This person needs me the most at the moment.. Idk.. I'm messed up. I keep choosing to love a person who got hurt the most. Also, I'm taking a risk, because I'm making myself vulnerable by loving. Idk but she can't hurt me. I've place myself in position where people can hurt me too many times so I'm immune to emotional pain I guess. Plus I'm pretty care free. As long as the other person is happy I really don't care. I mean I'm not worried about myself. If you see marriage as a slave contract, you really don't want to engage in a relationship. But, she will be the last person I'll care about. I'm not God, I wish I was.
Well, today I have explain how true friends don't exists and true love rarely happens. I personally believe its possible since I'm doing it. Well in most cases I'm forced to due to my experiences. She has to change her mentality or she'll live my life. Plus, as time pass, she'll become like me. Maybe even darker. The thing is I don't mind living this way. I can identify who needs help faster than anyone without them asking for help since I only can comprehend negativity...Idk....... its quite stupid.
I wish I had the power to do a lot of things. I'm somewhat thankful for the experiences I've acquired.
I think this person is actually looking for a boyfriend. Boyfriends are the next level. Technically I can be her true friend but, I'm too busy dealing with another person. This person needs me the most at the moment.. Idk.. I'm messed up. I keep choosing to love a person who got hurt the most. Also, I'm taking a risk, because I'm making myself vulnerable by loving. Idk but she can't hurt me. I've place myself in position where people can hurt me too many times so I'm immune to emotional pain I guess. Plus I'm pretty care free. As long as the other person is happy I really don't care. I mean I'm not worried about myself. If you see marriage as a slave contract, you really don't want to engage in a relationship. But, she will be the last person I'll care about. I'm not God, I wish I was.
Well, today I have explain how true friends don't exists and true love rarely happens. I personally believe its possible since I'm doing it. Well in most cases I'm forced to due to my experiences. She has to change her mentality or she'll live my life. Plus, as time pass, she'll become like me. Maybe even darker. The thing is I don't mind living this way. I can identify who needs help faster than anyone without them asking for help since I only can comprehend negativity...Idk....... its quite stupid.
I wish I had the power to do a lot of things. I'm somewhat thankful for the experiences I've acquired.
Time...
It just helps make you go back to your original state. Nothing more. Build up the barrier you once had. Its how life is.
Money actually backfires.
It seems that money fked a lot of middle class people. The problem is a lot of people don't try to understand people with money. Well, I'm not rich. I'm just middle class. It was one the biggest issue I had and problem in fitting in. I move a lot. My air flights can feed a lot of people. Save a lot of lives if it was donated to charity. The problem is that people looked at is as a sign of wealth and an easy life. They seem to only see how happy I could be, going to different countries, and enjoying life. Well, they never realize how terrifying it is to keep making a new set of friends and they keep disappearing. No matter how many friends you make. Also, moving made me harder to focus because as a child you don't understand the concept of having difference races and countries. When I was little, white people were perceived as Korean people with yellow hair. I thought they were wearing costumes of some sort. A lot of times, I had to relearn things, because Korean schools and American schools have different pace. Another thing was getting spoiled and unspoiled. I would usually get spoiled overseas and then I would have to unspoil myself in Korea. But, people don't bother trying to understand. It was why it happened. I was a happy person before.
Its same for someone who went to Harvard on the news. Everyone thought he had it easy. But, no he had to do a lot of things to be successful. HIs family wasn't exactly rich. Just had enough.
Idk. Money doesn't solve everything. Its also really about saving and how you use it. I wasted a lot this semester. Well, I was having trouble taking care of my body. fml. I didn't have a car so I had to take the taxi to the hospital, and etc. The health bills weren't fun to handle. I still have to pay 100 bucks fml. Idk... live off ramen.?XD
I wonder how much longer I can live nice.
I wonder what my children's mentality would be like. I mean my thinking process is very different. Its a combination of western and traditional Asian values.
I wish people stop fking around with helping poverty and focus on people around you. Why do you always have to fly to freaking Africa to help someone? Then post it on facebook. Yes, you something great, but you could have helped someone next to you. You could have used that money to make people around you happy. Or even help people who are poor around you.
Idk.. I don't trust these organizations. I wish everyone would just adopt if they wanted to do something good for the community. If every family adopted one child and gave them decent education, everything would have worked out.
Well, I am dwelling on the past, and living in the future. Its because the present is at a state where I can't be happy. And I'm really stupid. So, the only way to survive is through rigorous planning. Back up plans after another.
Its same for someone who went to Harvard on the news. Everyone thought he had it easy. But, no he had to do a lot of things to be successful. HIs family wasn't exactly rich. Just had enough.
Idk. Money doesn't solve everything. Its also really about saving and how you use it. I wasted a lot this semester. Well, I was having trouble taking care of my body. fml. I didn't have a car so I had to take the taxi to the hospital, and etc. The health bills weren't fun to handle. I still have to pay 100 bucks fml. Idk... live off ramen.?XD
I wonder how much longer I can live nice.
I wonder what my children's mentality would be like. I mean my thinking process is very different. Its a combination of western and traditional Asian values.
I wish people stop fking around with helping poverty and focus on people around you. Why do you always have to fly to freaking Africa to help someone? Then post it on facebook. Yes, you something great, but you could have helped someone next to you. You could have used that money to make people around you happy. Or even help people who are poor around you.
Idk.. I don't trust these organizations. I wish everyone would just adopt if they wanted to do something good for the community. If every family adopted one child and gave them decent education, everything would have worked out.
Well, I am dwelling on the past, and living in the future. Its because the present is at a state where I can't be happy. And I'm really stupid. So, the only way to survive is through rigorous planning. Back up plans after another.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Yeah I'm too conservative.
Idk... peer pressure gets to you. Too many people are into enjoying life. Whereas I'm suppressing myself. I have to focus on being myself. Keep believing what I believe is right. I don't know why I always go against the majority. fml........
Idk fk everything. I'll go back to hiding. I actually want to focus on playing golf. The only thing that interests me. It calms my mind. Its a rich man's sport. Thankfully, I have some talent in it. Idk..... I just fell in love with it. I would take my clubs home and practice every day in my room. Keep practicing until I could hit the ball. I did impress a lot of people. However, my parents never let me walk that path. idk... too insecure. The chances of me becoming a professional is slim. Well, at least my dad enjoys taking me for golf now.
I need to take my dad's job for too many reasons. Well, the pay is pretty low but I don't have anything to leave behind. Just keep moving. fk.................I got skin infection.
I wonder why everyone wants to become what I am... you have to keep killing yourself until you can appreciate human interaction. That takes a while. I would really recommend the mind set of an optimist.
Well, I'm not exactly a true pessimist though. I'm probably a mix, because I would keep telling about good stuff. Being thank ful for a lot of things. But, also pessimistic as well. Idk.......
It also depends on who I am with. If I am with an optimistic person, I'll be pessmistic. If I'm with a optimistic person I'll be pessimistic. vice versa. idk.......I'm to weird. fml fml fml I don't even make sense.
Idk I'll just do what I believe is right until 27. After that I'm doing the normal love, whether or not it ends up hurting someone.
Idk fk everything. I'll go back to hiding. I actually want to focus on playing golf. The only thing that interests me. It calms my mind. Its a rich man's sport. Thankfully, I have some talent in it. Idk..... I just fell in love with it. I would take my clubs home and practice every day in my room. Keep practicing until I could hit the ball. I did impress a lot of people. However, my parents never let me walk that path. idk... too insecure. The chances of me becoming a professional is slim. Well, at least my dad enjoys taking me for golf now.
I need to take my dad's job for too many reasons. Well, the pay is pretty low but I don't have anything to leave behind. Just keep moving. fk.................I got skin infection.
I wonder why everyone wants to become what I am... you have to keep killing yourself until you can appreciate human interaction. That takes a while. I would really recommend the mind set of an optimist.
Well, I'm not exactly a true pessimist though. I'm probably a mix, because I would keep telling about good stuff. Being thank ful for a lot of things. But, also pessimistic as well. Idk.......
It also depends on who I am with. If I am with an optimistic person, I'll be pessmistic. If I'm with a optimistic person I'll be pessimistic. vice versa. idk.......I'm to weird. fml fml fml I don't even make sense.
Idk I'll just do what I believe is right until 27. After that I'm doing the normal love, whether or not it ends up hurting someone.
its going to take forever
to clean my room fml... and our school fked up our schedule fml.........
I want to graduate already.....So I can just go to the military and chilax there. fml.
I want to graduate already.....So I can just go to the military and chilax there. fml.
I wonder why you would love someone
I can't understand love. Its impossible. It makes no sense to me. People say they are in love with someone. How do you know its love? How can you trust someone who you only knew for few months. I don't know. The feeling? I don't trust it. Why would someone love you? It seems most people fall in love with what is on the outside. Your looks, education, wealth and etc. What if these disappear? I'm too skeptical. Idk its probably because I've been at the bottom. I've been ugly. I've been poor. I've been stupid. People treat you differently.
I guess stay single. Its quite sad. Too skeptical to fall in love. Well, its partially due to moving. You realize nobody lasts anyways.
But its nice people treat me nicely these days. Life did get better. I mean after you get out into society its really about sucking people's dicks.
If I get out of the military with abs...I don't know what to do... As long as I get a decent job. I don't lack in anything. Well the job will take me few years. Probably 2 or so because I'll have to relearn everything. Its ok though. I'm very confident. There is a big difference in wanting to do something and forced to do something. When I'm controlled. I feed drained and dead. So I tend to lack motivation. I know I'm wasting time but its how I am. Its not like I want to be this way. I mean I am a rebel. Its just that I let my parents control me due to the guilt I felt before.
I don't know what to do.... I mean technically I did fall in love with this girl, who didn't have a decent job, didn't even have a house, no future plans, and only decent looks. The problem is I showed weakness and cared too much. I shouldn't have showed weakness. I just wanted to see if she was capable of comforting me. Well, showed her my inner-self. The darkest inner self. She was capable, but at the same time I showed her my weakness. I guess she rejected me for being weak. She also used my weakness to harm me. I guess I trusted her enough. Well, fk that now. I'm not trusting anyone. I'm going to trust myself. Well, the problem is nobody can comfort you no matter how much you want somebody to. Idk. Its really not that hard. Well, I guess that girl will live a life of an alcoholic without future plans. I did pray for her a lot. I guess its because I loved her unconditionally. But, I can't go back to her even if she comes back. She broke my trust. Idk... if she does comeback I'll ask her what she wants from me. I can't give her anything. I just wanted her to be happy. She could never be happy. Even if I gave her my future that I've been working for. I'm only interested in making people happy. If she can't be happy with everything I gave her, there is no point. I don't want my significant other to have liver problems and repeat the history that made me isolate myself completely. Well I can't think of that girl because she hurts my head. Reminds me everything back then when everything was going bad. Things I never want to remember.
Technically I'm suppose to live a miserable life. But its really not that bad. I've done it for so long its really not much different. But I think I'll keep taking care of one depressed person at a time until I move out. Well, if I have to take care of that person for life, its ok. As long as she isn't some spoiled brat, which I have encountered. For normal people my mindset and living alone isn't good. Isolating yourself leads to misery. Idk what to say about that spoiled person... her parents spoiled her too much... Idk.... I mean I have a problem of seeing only negativity. Can't comprehend happiness, so I see happiness through others.
Idk maybe I'm expecting too much from depressed people. My belief is they can change if you care enough. It happened to me before. Someone cared about me, thus I was optimistic. Well, to begin with, my pessimism started during my life struggle. Going through it alone. Idk I think if I had someone to go through a life struggle, I'll be fine. I really don't expect much.
I want to go back to teasing my sister. She is too old now fml. Life is so boring because of that. fml fml fml fml fml.
Man... I hate being superficial. Idk... its part of making your boss happy in Korea.
I'm loosing myself slowly.
Fk and now I have to show my cousins who is in control fml. @Well its kind of easy since I'm suicidal. I keep doing things that would endanger my life. Well, people perceive this as confidence. fml.
I feel sorry for my grandmother though. I keep asking her why does she keep living. Idk she always get mad at me XD dissing people make me so happy. I love being mean. So much fun!
I guess stay single. Its quite sad. Too skeptical to fall in love. Well, its partially due to moving. You realize nobody lasts anyways.
But its nice people treat me nicely these days. Life did get better. I mean after you get out into society its really about sucking people's dicks.
If I get out of the military with abs...I don't know what to do... As long as I get a decent job. I don't lack in anything. Well the job will take me few years. Probably 2 or so because I'll have to relearn everything. Its ok though. I'm very confident. There is a big difference in wanting to do something and forced to do something. When I'm controlled. I feed drained and dead. So I tend to lack motivation. I know I'm wasting time but its how I am. Its not like I want to be this way. I mean I am a rebel. Its just that I let my parents control me due to the guilt I felt before.
I don't know what to do.... I mean technically I did fall in love with this girl, who didn't have a decent job, didn't even have a house, no future plans, and only decent looks. The problem is I showed weakness and cared too much. I shouldn't have showed weakness. I just wanted to see if she was capable of comforting me. Well, showed her my inner-self. The darkest inner self. She was capable, but at the same time I showed her my weakness. I guess she rejected me for being weak. She also used my weakness to harm me. I guess I trusted her enough. Well, fk that now. I'm not trusting anyone. I'm going to trust myself. Well, the problem is nobody can comfort you no matter how much you want somebody to. Idk. Its really not that hard. Well, I guess that girl will live a life of an alcoholic without future plans. I did pray for her a lot. I guess its because I loved her unconditionally. But, I can't go back to her even if she comes back. She broke my trust. Idk... if she does comeback I'll ask her what she wants from me. I can't give her anything. I just wanted her to be happy. She could never be happy. Even if I gave her my future that I've been working for. I'm only interested in making people happy. If she can't be happy with everything I gave her, there is no point. I don't want my significant other to have liver problems and repeat the history that made me isolate myself completely. Well I can't think of that girl because she hurts my head. Reminds me everything back then when everything was going bad. Things I never want to remember.
Technically I'm suppose to live a miserable life. But its really not that bad. I've done it for so long its really not much different. But I think I'll keep taking care of one depressed person at a time until I move out. Well, if I have to take care of that person for life, its ok. As long as she isn't some spoiled brat, which I have encountered. For normal people my mindset and living alone isn't good. Isolating yourself leads to misery. Idk what to say about that spoiled person... her parents spoiled her too much... Idk.... I mean I have a problem of seeing only negativity. Can't comprehend happiness, so I see happiness through others.
Idk maybe I'm expecting too much from depressed people. My belief is they can change if you care enough. It happened to me before. Someone cared about me, thus I was optimistic. Well, to begin with, my pessimism started during my life struggle. Going through it alone. Idk I think if I had someone to go through a life struggle, I'll be fine. I really don't expect much.
I want to go back to teasing my sister. She is too old now fml. Life is so boring because of that. fml fml fml fml fml.
Man... I hate being superficial. Idk... its part of making your boss happy in Korea.
I'm loosing myself slowly.
Fk and now I have to show my cousins who is in control fml. @Well its kind of easy since I'm suicidal. I keep doing things that would endanger my life. Well, people perceive this as confidence. fml.
I feel sorry for my grandmother though. I keep asking her why does she keep living. Idk she always get mad at me XD dissing people make me so happy. I love being mean. So much fun!
Being Happy
There is two ways to become truly happy. One is have high expectation, and get hurt. Another is undo the spoiling that has been done. Today a girl posted I don't have any true friends. That is something I've said.
There is two ways to approach this problem. Go out their and keep making friends and get hurt. Whereas you can protect yourself and isolate yourself from making true friends. I choose the latter. I couldn't help myself. I mean relationships don't last. I've learned it throughout my life. So, what I have done is learned to appreciate human interactions. I did that without noticing. Idk just live as a loner for a year or so. Then you'll realize how happy you are for little interactions you get from people.
I also need to un-spoil myself with my environment. I guess that will be done in the military.
I think that is all I need. Appreciate human interaction and my environment. Those two will lead to me being happy. :-). Well, I have to suffer now. Sadly. You only appreciate what you have when you lose it. Can't wait to go to the military.
After that I can focus on studying! I'll be stupid but Idk I'll enjoy it. I don't have to be demotivated because I realized I'll forget everything in the military. Also, I kind of get a lot of time. Average age of employments in Korea is 30. And I'll only be around 24 when I get out. So.. 6 years of studying!
Its quite funny how America has a really early marriage age. Whereas in Asia, the marriage age is very high. Idk... But, idk... For sure, I'm having kids late.
Man.. so many people are Christian these days. Idk. I think the key principles are important, but I think a lot of Christians lack self confidence. Idk.. I thought I lacked self confidence. Well, thats only when it comes to studying XD XD XD XD XD Idk I suck at focusing. Idk every sucks. I hate using my brain.
I wonder whats it like to see things through my dad's mindset. Idk.... We only talk about politics. I really don't know what he thinks, but for sure he is pessimistic. The problem is, he came from the farm and farm people are generally nice. So, when he met up with society, he sucked at it. I'm actually decent. I'm really stupid when I don't use my brain so people don't bother using me XD XD XD Actually its a good thing. I only use my brain if I have to.
There is two ways to approach this problem. Go out their and keep making friends and get hurt. Whereas you can protect yourself and isolate yourself from making true friends. I choose the latter. I couldn't help myself. I mean relationships don't last. I've learned it throughout my life. So, what I have done is learned to appreciate human interactions. I did that without noticing. Idk just live as a loner for a year or so. Then you'll realize how happy you are for little interactions you get from people.
I also need to un-spoil myself with my environment. I guess that will be done in the military.
I think that is all I need. Appreciate human interaction and my environment. Those two will lead to me being happy. :-). Well, I have to suffer now. Sadly. You only appreciate what you have when you lose it. Can't wait to go to the military.
After that I can focus on studying! I'll be stupid but Idk I'll enjoy it. I don't have to be demotivated because I realized I'll forget everything in the military. Also, I kind of get a lot of time. Average age of employments in Korea is 30. And I'll only be around 24 when I get out. So.. 6 years of studying!
Its quite funny how America has a really early marriage age. Whereas in Asia, the marriage age is very high. Idk... But, idk... For sure, I'm having kids late.
Man.. so many people are Christian these days. Idk. I think the key principles are important, but I think a lot of Christians lack self confidence. Idk.. I thought I lacked self confidence. Well, thats only when it comes to studying XD XD XD XD XD Idk I suck at focusing. Idk every sucks. I hate using my brain.
I wonder whats it like to see things through my dad's mindset. Idk.... We only talk about politics. I really don't know what he thinks, but for sure he is pessimistic. The problem is, he came from the farm and farm people are generally nice. So, when he met up with society, he sucked at it. I'm actually decent. I'm really stupid when I don't use my brain so people don't bother using me XD XD XD Actually its a good thing. I only use my brain if I have to.
Maybe I'm taking the wrong approach.
Maybe I should become a bully or a player. So, I could prevent other players to play them or other bullies to bully them. Idk. Life is weird. Too weird.
I think I'm confused. I understand too much whereas I don't understand anything. Hmmm What to do with myself. I think I should clean up my room... Its an accomplishment I will never succeed in. Yeah.. its going to take the whole day.
I should keep thinking about pranking my kids. Omg... can't wait.. They're so screwed. They can't out smart me. So much pleasure.
I wonder why I am this way a lot.
I keep exploring my inner self but I don't realize why I am this way. Maybe its because I gave up. Maybe its because of guilt. Maybe its because I was born this way. Maybe its a habit. Maybe I'm just depressed. So, I have a lot of empathy. There are studies showing that depressed people tend to have a lot more empathy. However, I was always depressed. I can't help it. The good thing is my carefree attitude helps :). Idk I'm actually depressed at certain moments. I think its because I'm studying something that I do not enjoy. Idk, I don't mind studying in general.
I don't even feel pride. I don't even benefit. I don't even get a self confidence boost. Its more like I felt their misery before and I had to go through it alone. It really wasn't fun doing it alone. Another thing is I expected to fall in love with a person who do things for others because shit happens to others. This characteristic is incredibly hard to find. Actually impossible to find. Someone that would reach out. That is why I can't get married FML. Idk this is all because of trust issues. Fml. When I have kids, I going to do the same thing to them. So that they have this issue. I'll ask them if they found the solution XD XD XD. Man... I'm going to prank my kids so much. They're going to hate me yeah! Idk its actually more fun to hate things than love. Idk. So much fun. Maybe I should start making a list of pranks I want to do to my kids.... I feel like I'm going to torture them XD XD XD. Idk The thought of having kids actually makes me happy. IDK I bet they're going to be retards like me XD XD XD
I wonder if God will every reward me.? Reward me with what? I don't even want to go to heaven. I swore to God I'll go to hell no matter what. Its too boring up there. I wonder what made me this way. Idk my minds fucked up.
I know life is hard when you are going through your time of struggles. That is why I want to give support. I just hope people do their best to get through. Does it help? Idk.. I hate people destroying themselves.
I don't even feel pride. I don't even benefit. I don't even get a self confidence boost. Its more like I felt their misery before and I had to go through it alone. It really wasn't fun doing it alone. Another thing is I expected to fall in love with a person who do things for others because shit happens to others. This characteristic is incredibly hard to find. Actually impossible to find. Someone that would reach out. That is why I can't get married FML. Idk this is all because of trust issues. Fml. When I have kids, I going to do the same thing to them. So that they have this issue. I'll ask them if they found the solution XD XD XD. Man... I'm going to prank my kids so much. They're going to hate me yeah! Idk its actually more fun to hate things than love. Idk. So much fun. Maybe I should start making a list of pranks I want to do to my kids.... I feel like I'm going to torture them XD XD XD. Idk The thought of having kids actually makes me happy. IDK I bet they're going to be retards like me XD XD XD
I wonder if God will every reward me.? Reward me with what? I don't even want to go to heaven. I swore to God I'll go to hell no matter what. Its too boring up there. I wonder what made me this way. Idk my minds fucked up.
I know life is hard when you are going through your time of struggles. That is why I want to give support. I just hope people do their best to get through. Does it help? Idk.. I hate people destroying themselves.
who is from malaysia?
Why do you keep visiting my blog. There is nothing interesting at the moment except for my thoughts -.-
Thursday, January 3, 2013
fml
Two class I thought I have registered, aren't registered. I need to graduate so I can escape this place. wtf. fml. fml fml fml fml fml fml asdfkjasdfkldjasfkdsakl
Ok... man.. I need God. Sorry for hating you fml.
But I realized that hating is also caring. Basically if you hate or love, you care about someone. Its always that kind of relationship. If you have those you hate, you are also caring about them. If you didn't care, you won't hate him.
But I realized that hating is also caring. Basically if you hate or love, you care about someone. Its always that kind of relationship. If you have those you hate, you are also caring about them. If you didn't care, you won't hate him.
Thoughts
After high school finished, I realized I am miserable. I wondered how many other people are miserable. I knew college would be a hard time for a lot of other people. Its pretty much why I decided to care. Everyone kept posting depressing posts. People show their sadness everywhere. Facebook, instant messengers and etc. Everyone does this for a purpose. They want someone to care. That is my belief. I know because I used to do it too. That was when I was little. It was hard for me because I had to keep making stupid excuses to live on. Why do we live? The purpose of life? There is none. Especially if nobody cares. You're just nothing. If you die, nobody cares enough. Maybe a few people would feel guilty, but they'll get over it easily. So, I basically wanted to prove them I cared. I wanted to decide for them whether to live or not. I didn't know this action would back fire in relationships. Its funny actually. People who used to buy me food and etc for company, stopped buying me food. People who would skype me every single day, stopped skyping. People would even ignore me because they think I'm interested in a relationship. I guess my actions are not normal. I even got rejected once for being too nice. I wish that girl told me she was happy when she left because that is what I wanted . She just left as a miserable person. I don't know. If she leaving at a miserable state hurt me more or her words hurt me more. The main reason I don't care about myself is because I am programmed to believe I'm destined to live alone. I mean I had no power over moving. Also, I had no power of preventing death. As a Catholic, its natural to believe that God wants me to live alone. I also enjoy freedom anyways. As soon as I get a job, I can't wait to breathe the air of freedom. No more leashes. Well, I'm not sure if God will still have a leash on me or not. I wish he didn't. I guess this is his way of punishing me for refusing death. Whatever, its not a bad thing anyways. I don't know, most people would live happy lives after they get married. So, I probably don't have to care. Plus, I'll probably have a family anyways.
So, from my experience, be mean. People will be nicer to you. Its a fact. I mean not to the extent where you are an angry person. Just be a nice asshole. if you're nice, just expect that people won't be nice in return. Its a good life lesson. Another thing is, older you get, the less care you experience. I mean people are nice because they want something from you. Especially for women, its apparent people are nice to them because they are pretty. So, people are nice because they might want a relationship. However, beauty fades as people age. Idk, older women appreciate things I do for them a lot more. Where younger girls think I'm shy and tries to take advantage of it. Good thing I'm extremely lazy. :) and useless! Thank you God for making me useless. Idk if I don't study I don't like to use my brain at all. So, I don't care about anything.
I don't know... life is weird. When I was at the bottom fat, different, stupid, everyone was mean to me. Whereas now, I question people's niceness, especially in relationships. I mean give too much to people who are self harming ,so its impossible for a relationship. However, I treat normal people in a way girls like. I think jealousy also plays an important role. A lot of girls are jealous of how I treat my friends. So, the problem is I always fuck up the second dates with girls. Its because I make everything too confusing. My behaviors are too identical to those of guys who want a relationship. I didn't know. The problem is how am I suppose to fall in love with someone who never cared about me. Only seeking me to please them. So, I act really cold. I don't mean to. Its just that I'm very skeptical. I have this belief that I could date anyone in this world. This is because dates are only full of happy events. In marriages, there are struggles. Another thing is I seem to act too confident. fml. My mind has no confidence at all. Its too pessimistic. However, my actions are fearless. I'm going to get shot one day. Seriously. I tried to prank a guy who works at the haunted house and I got kicked out fml. I think it has to do with being suicidal.
I think the problem with me is. Most people, think dating as in explore another person and then dumping them. Whereas I'm more like I would know the person first then try my best to make it to the end. Idk... I think I'll try it my way and then just fk it after.
My mindset is too different for this century. fml.
So, from my experience, be mean. People will be nicer to you. Its a fact. I mean not to the extent where you are an angry person. Just be a nice asshole. if you're nice, just expect that people won't be nice in return. Its a good life lesson. Another thing is, older you get, the less care you experience. I mean people are nice because they want something from you. Especially for women, its apparent people are nice to them because they are pretty. So, people are nice because they might want a relationship. However, beauty fades as people age. Idk, older women appreciate things I do for them a lot more. Where younger girls think I'm shy and tries to take advantage of it. Good thing I'm extremely lazy. :) and useless! Thank you God for making me useless. Idk if I don't study I don't like to use my brain at all. So, I don't care about anything.
I don't know... life is weird. When I was at the bottom fat, different, stupid, everyone was mean to me. Whereas now, I question people's niceness, especially in relationships. I mean give too much to people who are self harming ,so its impossible for a relationship. However, I treat normal people in a way girls like. I think jealousy also plays an important role. A lot of girls are jealous of how I treat my friends. So, the problem is I always fuck up the second dates with girls. Its because I make everything too confusing. My behaviors are too identical to those of guys who want a relationship. I didn't know. The problem is how am I suppose to fall in love with someone who never cared about me. Only seeking me to please them. So, I act really cold. I don't mean to. Its just that I'm very skeptical. I have this belief that I could date anyone in this world. This is because dates are only full of happy events. In marriages, there are struggles. Another thing is I seem to act too confident. fml. My mind has no confidence at all. Its too pessimistic. However, my actions are fearless. I'm going to get shot one day. Seriously. I tried to prank a guy who works at the haunted house and I got kicked out fml. I think it has to do with being suicidal.
I think the problem with me is. Most people, think dating as in explore another person and then dumping them. Whereas I'm more like I would know the person first then try my best to make it to the end. Idk... I think I'll try it my way and then just fk it after.
My mindset is too different for this century. fml.
My generation of Koreans.
My generation of Koreans are very different. I think most of them scares me. It really depends where I meet them though. The ones I met in gangnam are pretty conservative. They are more traditional. Its pretty funny because gangnam has a lot of clubs. I avoid those clubs as much as possible because I don't want to associate myself with those type of people. Asian clubs are mostly for meaningless sex. I'm not sure about America. For America, it seems bars are places where you get meaningless sex. Idk its because I go this small club that plays dubstep. Usually people come as couples or the girls are lesbian. XD The problem with Korea is a majority is becoming these people. In politics, 70% voted for the liberal party. Its just messed up because the meaning of being liberal is completely different. To be honest, our right wing and left wing parties are the same. The only real difference is who cares a bit more about the poor and who donate more to the North Koreans. But the problem is liberals don't give a shit about minorities. They actually hate minorities. You know the multi-cultured families in Korea? They are hated for being different. So, what equality? We as Koreans don't accept differences, how can the majority be liberal? I got bullied for being different even if I was Korean. So, wtf. Its just stupid. The problem is a lot of people are poor. They want to benefit from the government as much as possible. Thus, they vote for the liberal parties, but they aren't really liberals. They just want the money. However, they don't save up. They spend so much. I mean look at Koreans on the street. All of them wear these fashioned clothes, and etc. Koreans American who come to Korea wear the shittiest clothes ever. Local Koreans look at them if they are some poor people when Korean Americans are way more wealthier than they are. As for me, I started buying. I really didn't want to. I wanted live off hoodies. and t-shirts until I get a job. I guess peer pressure got me. I stopped buying clothes anyways. I'll probably go back to wearing hoodies. To be myself. I hate those fake liberals. I hate those fake Christians. I hate those fake Catholics. I hate those fake rich people. I guess I hate a lot of things. I guess I'm too confused. The more I know about society, the more depressed I get. A lot of Koreans date for the experience. They would date foreigners for the experience. But, that is the same everywhere. Apparently all guys who go to the military go for prostitution and its normal. I can't name anyone who haven't done prostitution. I'm so confused.
Sorry, I'm too confused at the moment. I lived in too many societies so I don't know what to expect. Nothing makes sense to me. No matter how much my parents make, we live relatively poor. Whereas people with worst jobs seem to live better off. Everyone is stop believing in traditional values. I can't even make friends nor a girl friend properly now. Most guy friends would talk about sleeping with girls. But, I have a sister so its really not appropriate. As for girls, they are more into seeking for a relationship, not really into hanging out. Idk. Its hard. I want a funny person who is nice. Nice people are boring. Its a fact. I can't even tease them because they are nice. Whereas cool people are annoying. Its always better to hangout with nice people. Idk they're just nice!
So, I'm screwed. fml. I don't fit in fml.
Sorry, I'm too confused at the moment. I lived in too many societies so I don't know what to expect. Nothing makes sense to me. No matter how much my parents make, we live relatively poor. Whereas people with worst jobs seem to live better off. Everyone is stop believing in traditional values. I can't even make friends nor a girl friend properly now. Most guy friends would talk about sleeping with girls. But, I have a sister so its really not appropriate. As for girls, they are more into seeking for a relationship, not really into hanging out. Idk. Its hard. I want a funny person who is nice. Nice people are boring. Its a fact. I can't even tease them because they are nice. Whereas cool people are annoying. Its always better to hangout with nice people. Idk they're just nice!
So, I'm screwed. fml. I don't fit in fml.
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