I wonder why you would love someone

I can't understand love. Its impossible. It makes no sense to me. People say they are in love with someone. How do you know its love? How can you trust someone who you only knew for few months. I don't know.  The feeling? I don't trust it.  Why would someone love you? It seems most people fall in love with what is on the outside. Your looks, education, wealth and etc. What if these disappear? I'm too skeptical. Idk its probably because I've been at the bottom. I've been ugly. I've been poor. I've been stupid. People treat you differently.

I guess stay single. Its quite sad. Too skeptical to fall in love. Well, its partially due to moving. You realize nobody lasts anyways.

But its nice people treat me nicely these days. Life did get better. I mean after you get out into society its really about sucking people's dicks.

If I get out of the military with abs...I don't know what to do... As long as I get a decent job. I don't lack in anything. Well the job will take me few years. Probably 2 or so because I'll have to relearn everything. Its ok though. I'm very confident. There is a big difference in wanting to do something and forced to do something. When I'm controlled. I feed drained and dead. So I tend to lack motivation. I know I'm wasting time but its how I am. Its not like I want to be this way. I mean I am a rebel. Its just that I let my  parents control me due to the guilt I felt before.

I don't know what to do.... I mean technically I did fall in love with this girl, who didn't have a decent job, didn't even have a house, no future plans, and only decent looks. The problem is I showed weakness and cared too much. I shouldn't have showed weakness. I just wanted to see if she was capable of comforting me. Well, showed her my inner-self. The darkest inner self. She was capable, but at the same time I showed her my weakness. I guess she rejected me for being weak. She also used my weakness to harm me. I guess I trusted her enough. Well, fk that now. I'm not trusting anyone. I'm going to trust myself. Well, the problem is nobody can comfort you no matter how much you want somebody to. Idk. Its really not that hard. Well, I guess that girl will live a life of an alcoholic without future plans. I did pray for her a lot. I guess its because I loved her unconditionally. But, I can't go back to her even if she comes back. She broke my trust. Idk... if she does comeback I'll ask her what she wants from me. I can't give her anything. I just wanted her to be happy. She could never be happy. Even if I gave her my future that I've been working for. I'm only interested in making  people happy. If she can't be happy with everything I gave her, there is no point. I don't want my significant other to have liver problems and repeat the history that made me isolate myself completely. Well I can't think of that girl because she hurts my head. Reminds me everything back then when everything was going bad. Things I never want to remember.

Technically I'm suppose to live a miserable life. But its really not that bad. I've done it for so long its really not much different. But I think I'll keep taking care of one depressed person at a time until I move out. Well, if I have to take care of that person for life, its ok. As long as she isn't some spoiled brat, which I have encountered. For normal people my mindset and living alone isn't good. Isolating yourself leads to misery. Idk what to say about that spoiled person... her parents spoiled  her too much... Idk.... I mean I have a problem of seeing only negativity. Can't comprehend happiness, so I see happiness through others.

Idk maybe I'm expecting too much from depressed people. My belief is they can change if you care enough. It happened to me before. Someone cared about me, thus I was optimistic. Well, to begin with, my pessimism started during my life struggle. Going through it alone. Idk I think if I had someone to go through a life struggle, I'll be fine. I really don't expect much.

I want to go back to teasing my sister. She is too old now fml. Life is so boring because of that. fml fml fml fml fml.

Man... I hate being superficial. Idk... its part of making your boss happy in Korea.
I'm loosing myself slowly.


Fk and now I have to show my cousins who is in control fml. @Well its kind of easy since I'm suicidal. I keep doing things that would endanger my life. Well, people perceive this as confidence. fml.

I feel sorry for my grandmother though. I keep asking her why does she keep living. Idk she always get mad at me XD dissing people make me so happy. I love being mean. So much fun!