fml

Ok. I'm actually suffering from delusional beliefs and wants.

I belief in something but I want it. Say I want to eat an ice cream. I believe I can't eat an ice cream but I'll want to eat an ice cream. Its more I'll refuse to eat an ice cream due to my belief. Its a mental torture.

Idk I guess I'm just really broken. Its because my life was mostly about loosing things or getting hurt. I was either being bullied or I moved. Its hard to believe people lasts. Its hard to believe people aren't evil. Well, the thing, I myself is a counter example of evil people. I lasted longer for other people as well. Thus, I am this counter example, yet I still believe in these stupid beliefs. Fk... I can't do this. Its like living in a mini-hell you created yourself. Its actually becoming hard to fit in now that I've been alway from society so much. I keep doing things differently than people. Think differently as well. I'm not just believing in traditional Asian values, I'm also believing in values from children story books. Wow, shit... my God. When I was a child I did wish and pray that I'll always remain as a child. I didn't know it would actually happen.

So, basically I'm a child that is 21 years old. No its not like everyone has a child in me or something like that. I fked it up and refused to be mature. fml... but idk.I mean I always do things only if I feel like it. Well, I only do enough studying so I can graduate with a decent GPA. Idk.. I'm going to the military, everything seems pointless.

Idk fml. I didn't know it will be this bad. I don't know what to do with myself. I need to change myself but its like impossible. You can change people, but thats only if you put insane amount of effort in it. Idk... most people give up on me. Fk... Idk it is possible though. One person almost succeeded. Its just that she didn't realize what she was doing. The thing is she was more into using me rather than helping me. She enjoyed being the solo person inside my barrier. Idk some people are just psychopaths. I sometimes wonder if I'm one too. Its why I refuse to accept things in return usually. Idk, I feel bad.  I sound like a masochist but if you actually follow childhood books, everyone self sacrifice.

Man people these days....