Thoughts

After high school finished, I realized I am miserable. I wondered how many other people are miserable. I knew college would be a hard time for a lot of other people. Its pretty much why I decided to care. Everyone kept posting depressing posts. People show their sadness everywhere. Facebook, instant messengers  and etc. Everyone does this for a purpose. They want someone to care. That is my belief. I know because I used to do it too. That was when I was little. It was hard for me because I had to keep making stupid excuses to live on. Why do we live? The purpose of life? There is none. Especially if nobody cares. You're just nothing. If you die, nobody cares enough. Maybe a few people would feel guilty, but they'll get over it easily. So, I basically wanted to prove them I cared. I wanted to decide for them whether to live or not. I didn't know this action would back fire in relationships. Its funny actually. People who used to buy me food and etc for company, stopped buying me food. People who would skype me every single day, stopped skyping. People would even ignore me because they think I'm interested in a relationship. I guess my actions are not normal. I even got rejected once for being too nice. I wish that girl told me she was happy when she left because that is what I wanted . She just left as a miserable person. I don't know. If she leaving at a miserable state hurt me more or her words hurt me more. The main reason I don't care about myself is because I am programmed to believe I'm destined to live alone. I mean I had no power over moving. Also, I had no power of preventing death. As a Catholic, its natural to believe that God wants me to live alone. I also enjoy freedom anyways. As soon as I get a job, I can't wait to breathe the air of freedom. No more leashes. Well, I'm not sure if God will still have a leash on me or not. I wish he didn't. I guess this is his way of punishing me for refusing death. Whatever, its not a bad thing anyways. I don't know, most people would live happy lives after they get married. So, I probably don't have to care. Plus, I'll probably have a family anyways.

So, from my experience, be mean. People will be nicer to you. Its a fact. I mean not to the extent where you are an angry person. Just be a nice asshole. if you're nice, just expect that people won't be nice in return. Its a good life lesson. Another thing is, older you get, the less care you experience. I mean people are nice because they want something from you. Especially for women, its apparent people are nice to them because they are pretty. So, people are nice because they might want a relationship. However, beauty fades as people age. Idk, older women appreciate things I do for them a lot more. Where younger girls think I'm shy and tries to take advantage of it. Good thing I'm extremely lazy. :) and useless! Thank you God for making me useless. Idk if I don't study I don't like to use my brain at all. So, I don't care about anything.

I don't know... life is weird. When I was at the bottom fat, different, stupid, everyone was mean to me. Whereas now, I question people's niceness, especially in relationships. I mean give too much to people who are self harming ,so its impossible for a relationship. However, I treat normal people in a way girls like. I think jealousy also plays an important role. A lot of girls are jealous of how I treat my friends. So, the problem is I always fuck up the second dates with girls. Its because I make everything too confusing. My behaviors are too identical to those of guys who want a relationship. I didn't know. The problem is how am I suppose to fall in love with someone who never cared about me. Only seeking me to please them. So, I act really cold. I don't mean to. Its just that I'm very skeptical. I have this belief that I could date anyone in this world. This is because dates are only full of happy events. In marriages, there are struggles. Another thing is I seem to act too confident. fml. My mind has no confidence at all. Its too pessimistic. However, my actions are fearless. I'm going to get shot one day. Seriously. I tried to prank a guy who works at the haunted house and I got kicked out fml. I think it has to do with being suicidal.

I think the problem with me is. Most people, think dating as in explore another person and then dumping them. Whereas I'm more like I would know the person first then try my best to make it to the end. Idk... I think I'll try it my way and then just fk it after.

My mindset is too different for this century. fml.