I understand

The reason why I only love depressed people. Well, I was born to care about people who cried. But, I've realized why I can't love normally. The problem I have this barrier. Its too great. From moving to places to places my barrier got thicker as I had to keep losing friends. Bullying from other children also lead to a thick barrier. Another thing is my dad almost died. So my barrier got even thicker. Thus, I was living in misery. However, in order to keep sanity, I created a character that never take things seriously. The only reason I get decent grades is so that my parents leave me alone. Its just ok. However, I seem to remove this barrier when people are depressed. So, thats the only way I can have a relationship. Its impossible to have a normal relationship. Also I've realized, I'll start taking life seriously, after I am able to obtain a stable relationship. That is the only way I'll become serious. So, this is the curse I live with.

I understand now. I was hitting the bushes but I understand the way I love now. Its why I can keep giving without getting hurt. The barrier never let my heart get hurt. Thus, making me heartless. If you don't have a heart, it doesn't hurt to give, continuously. If I think about the amount I gave to people, not a lot of people can still do it. I just need to break the curse somehow.

I can't believe this is happening. Its like I'm living in a story book. Life is weird. This is messed up. I'm a very unique being. I can't do anything about it myself.

My god this is mind blowing.

Introspections after introspections, finally I've found myself. Answered my reason for being depressed. Answered why my depression is curse. Found why I care about depressed people. Why I never serious. Why mentality is so unhealthy. I need to return to Korea and take care of some business. May take couple of years. I need to learn how to become a code monkey. America teaches concepts well, but lacks teaching in coding itself. Idk I might do computer science for graduate school as well. I suck at coding completely. However, I never lost to anyone when I was learning concepts. I'm 21 right now. 23 I'll be done with national service. I'll become a code monkey by 25. Do graduate school at 27. Idk we'll see. I'll have to prepare for GRE. My GPA is only decent. Maybe I'll just get a 4.0 this semester. Yeah... might as well. I'm bored anyways. The maximum potential of a human comes out when he fears death. I'll just kill myself if I don't.

Lets see.
INTA 1200: Ez A
Networking: A or B
AI: A or B
Senior Project: A or B
Statistics: A
Compiler: A or B

I'll do it or kill myself. Its how I do things, its just that I got exhausted. I mean this mentality is very unhealthy. But it was the only way to survive back then when I was completely stupid. Lets do it.

Note to self: stop dancing in front of strangers. I know its helping you create endorphins but I think you're embarrassing yourself. lol

Maybe I shouldn't do service, but I want to go to Iraq. Idk I just want to experience the worst of the worst condition of living. It probably doesn't help when you're always in the middle upper class society. However, I want to learn to survive in the worst condition. Meet the worst people. Know about the two different worlds people live in. I already visited it before. I just want to revisit it. See how it changed. I want to see if I can conquer them now. Test, how much I changed. If I can endure the whole pain again. I know I sound like a masochist. No. I just want to become immune to pain. I wonder if you accept a large amount of pain, you stop feeling pain. Idk maybe I'll be more broken. Its either free from pain or be more broken. Idk people without a heart are invincible. Idk... heartless doesn't mean the person is selfish. It just means they are immune to pain.

Its what Asian fathers are. Not the ones now but, the ones from older generations. Most of them are very broken. However, they never say a word about it. No matter what situation they are in. They don't show emotions. I'm pretty sure they suffered so much that what we experience is nothing to them. I want to do the same. Feel every pain to the extreme.

I just hope my parents don't realize what I'm doing LOL. fml. The thing is the upper we go to society, the nicer people are. We keep forgetting that the lower part of society is different. Also the future is unpredictable. Its better to prepare.

btw, when I say lower, middle, upper. I'm talking about different mentalities not wealth.

However, there is one problem in my scheme. I'll be socially awkward for a while LOL I'll only be socializing myself with lower people. Thus, when I get back to the upper society, I'll see everyone as nice people...Niceness is relative. Idk. We'll see.

My friend wants to create a charity foundation. I might join in as well.He is probably going to succeed because he is smart as hell. But the problem is he doesn't know how to play dirty. You have to do a lot of dirty tactics to make a company successful. Its really about how well you can take advantage of people. I'll just watch how it works out. He should abuse the fact that people want to look nice without effort.

I'm not overthinking k? My bus driver was a drug lord. He got fked because he took the drugs himself and blew all the money.