Few things

I don't understand few things. We are suppose to share "God's love" yet we are suppose to stay away from negative people.

Idk I am one of those negative people. I really don't know what to do. A lot of shit happened to me. Idk someone actually tried hard enough to change me. I felt happy. Its just that it did not last. Its actually harder now. I think I understand why my friend dated 20 or more so girl. A girl named Q tried to open up my friend W. What happened was, she had to leave. Leading into a bad break up. Friend W isn't a bad person, its just that he is probably suffering. Its probably that its hard to open him up again. Also, girls probably didn't try hard enough. I mean the harder you try, the more vulnerable you are making yourself. Most people won't risk it. A lot of people are using animals as companions.

I should have never gotten involved in interpersonal relationships.

I've asked my parents how did they survive. How could they be happy?
Well, they've told me, having children was one of the easiest way. You keep yourself too occupied that you are distracted. Another thing is they told me they perceive happiness through my happiness. I understand them. Its really how I perceive happiness as well. Seeing other people happy, makes me happy. I guess its really how love works.

But the thing about living my life is its so much fun. Being nice fking sucks. But I think I should watch out being mean. I've forgot people hide their sadness. Man I'm so depressed. The future is so ... dark. lol The present is dark. The past? Even more shit. Idk if I had a bright career I won't be so depressed. I won't mind sacrificing my present. Idk what to do. My past, present, future is so ... whatever. What am I suppose to do? I'm cornered. Idk My past was too abusive. My present is too stressful since I'm doing what I don't enjoy. My future is also... blacked out. I have to go to the military so thats fun... lol Well, I'll enjoy the experience but the problem is when I get back. What am I suppose to do? I'm just a blank paper with abs lol. Man.. an older sis wants me to date her. I wonder if she can stand the pessimism. Idk my mental health is very bad. My outsides are fine. My insides are so... messed up. Idk its probably due to my parents, moving, bullying, death. Idk can't help it. What am I suppose to do? I'm so disconnected from this world.

Well, Idk, how I'm going to get inside. I'm just confused at the moment.

Idk maybe the military would tell me what is life like. The thing is my parents scared the shit out of me. They keep inserting fears in my brain. But, its true though. Idk

lol. There is only one way to break this pessimism. I already know the answer, its just that its quite a challenge. Its quite impossible. lol.