Fk

I've promised myself to never trust people, even family. But apparently, I've seem to have created bonds with people. It is the only human thing to do, make bonds with other humans because humans are social animals. I must take my time and remove every bond.

lol Its actually my first time knowing people for a long time.

Lists of Guilts

These are just few things I feel guilty of. Its been haunting me. 

1. Not meeting my parents' expectation

2. Falling in love with someone I should have not 

3. Causing too much trouble to friends

4. Making my sister look up to me too much

5. I'll have to break my promise with God because of 4.

These are things I cannot fix. lol I wonder what happens if you break your promise with God.

Idk God, I'll sexy dance with you k? 

Just to balance things out...

Sorry for being too emotional. I really do not mean it. So... to balance out the negativity. The blogger will admit something.

I am a professional stripper.

I mean not those strippers who do stripping for cash. I strip in my house and in my dorm. I'm wearing clothes one second. The next, I'm stripped with only my boxers on. I guess its just a bad habit lol. I do wish to get abs as soon as possible so I can start my stripping career in public lol.

What's happing to the blogger.

I'll take a moment to tell you what really happened. I guess these recent blog posts describe my true self, a weak person that likes to victimize oneself to earn pity. Its a way that human beings use to feel better for their failures. At the moment, I'm using this as well. Though it may sound pathetic it does help a bit. Overall its the same story, its just that something triggered it.

To start off, I do have a complicated issue of moving on. From a very early age, I've been moving on. I said hello and good byes in around 11 to 12 different environments and group of people. These are few hundreds of people I've met and parted. None have ever last. From an early age, I've learned to never trust anyone to last. Its pretty cold hearted, but it was one way to defend myself from feeling the pain every few years. If you don't expect anything, there is no reason to be hurt. I've also gone through a lot of bullying. My parents also condemned and ignored my existence for being academically retarded. Then, one of my parents almost died, spewing a lot of blood. So that has completely removed my trust for my parents to be there for me. For few years, I've stopped trusting anyone. However, last Christmas, I met a person from the past. I did not expect her to appear again. Actually this is my third time, our paths in life have crossed. To me, this girl was very significant. She is the only person that came back from the past. Also, she wanted me to trust her in the sense that she will not disappear. Trusting her made me very happy. It was my first time trusting someone for a long time. However, the problem appeared when she started dating someone who did not care for her. This girl was always sad and I asked her to break up, but she just ignored me. Also, I could not make her happy, no matter what I do, because its how she is when she is depressed. I gradually begun to feel the inability to make others happy. Eventually, she had a bad break up. Became an alcoholic. From her behavior patterns, every break up she seems to destroy herself. So, I've asked her out. For myself and for hers. However, it did not go well. She decided to leave and I've tried to stop her from doing so even guilt tripping her. After that I felt extreme guilt and blamed myself for the destruction of our relationship as friends. Moreover, I was not able to thank her for her time and care. The inability to thank her, reminded me when my dad was in the hospital. So, everything that happened few years ago came back. The immense fear I felt, the inability to do anything. Everything. The night I was alone. 

After few weeks, I did send her a message thanking her. Even still, I do feel the pain. I was just too happy that someone came back from the past and it broke my belief. lol I was waiting for someone to break it. Well for now, I'm back to where I was. Don't trust anyone. I just hope she does get married though, because she always dreamed about a wedding. I do not know how she will deal with it when nobody wants to marry her because of her age. Its just how Asia is. After a certain age, guys loose interest in girls who are in their 30s. 

Also, I've been doing a project after I entered college. It was to help depressed fellow friends. I thought if I placed some effort, I could help people. Basically, I've been sending mountains of packages to people who were depressed because of family issues, friendship issues, lose of something important, loneliness, girlfriend issues and etc. I just wanted to help them get out of their depression. Because to me, helping other is the moral thing to do. I do wish I was physically there for them but since I could not, sending packages was everything I could do. It was fine until recently, the results were disappointing. I was happy to give and receive thank yous. That was all I expected from people. I never expected anything in return except for keeping in touch. Maybe have lunch together once in a while. However, the results were very disappointing. I've found people who tried to use me for their benefits. This is something I could not appreciate. I do things for others with my free will, not because they want me to. Once they start making me do things, I feel very disrespected and disappointed. lol. 

Recently, I've destroyed couple of relationships, because Multi Level Marketing. To me, harming others is the greatest sin that one could cause. The people who have joined MLM is tricking people and harming others by giving them false hope that they can get rich fast and easy. Basically stealing money. To me, it was important to get my friends out of there. Its something you shouldn't do as a human being no matter how desperate you are for money. It was none of my business, but to me it was the correct thing to do. We've ended up arguing. As a result, I've lost couple of so called friends. It was quite painful. 

I've also broke my jaw. I cannot chew properly. 

Everything has crippled me. Too much happened all at once. Pushed me to the limits. Yet, I cannot get help physically. I'm stuck in this dorm, unable to do anything. I thought, if I tried hard enough, I could change things. However, this belief has been crushed. I'm in the process of accepting defeat. However, through this process, I did learn a lot about myself. 

The problem is that now I'm too depressed to function as a human being. I'm trapped inside this infinite loop of inability to do anything my heart tells me to. What is the point of having a heart, when you cannot follow it? Every other fellow being would do things to destroy whatever I dream of. What is the point of having promises, when promises are only kept if only the other benefits from it? Why do I spend the effort of making friends, when I loose everything? 

I was trying my best to fight against everything. I gave it my all and now I am retreating. I'm exhausted. Mentally deprived. 

lol I still cannot believe after I showed care and kindness, couple of people just wants to use me every chance they came across. Its scary how people are so greedy. Maybe its my fault for being kind. 

Well, I'm going to go back to my black hole. I'll come out of it after few months. I've tried my best to laugh it off. I have failed. So readers please do bear with me. 

Don't judge me on this. I've only made this blog as a space where I can spam my feelings and thoughts. It is where I express every depressing thoughts and emotions I have. I've created this blog for me to read it later on. Not for others.

I'm actually tired of being funny. I've been funny because nobody likes sad and weak people.  Every time I move, I had to be funny or else, I cannot make friends. Well now it has became a habit. Well, fk it.

Standing

This would be my facebook cover if I ever got back to facebook again. I'm taking a short break from contacting people. Facebook is everything to me. Yes I sound like a myspace bitch, but its true. Every relationship I have is long distance. Cell numbers change, people move to other countries, and sometimes we just forget people. Friends become strangers. Facebook kind of prevents this. It keeps friends updated with each other. Also it gives hope that friends won't change and become strangers. I think its time that I accepted that everyone is going to change and Facebook only gives an illusion of you knowing what is going on with other peoples life and they'll be the same. Well, its time to accept nobody is going to stay the same, even I.

However, I do have couple of friends who can spend their life with me. I'm very thankful. Its something I could have never imagined.

Anyways, I've created this collection of photos called "standing." When we walk, we always look ahead. Always looking at the future we are headed to. Then we take a look back. We look at our foot steps, the past we been through. However, we do not look at where we are standing. So I've decided to take few pictures of where I am standing for the whole day. I've been standing on the subway, grass, way to class, escalators in the mall, below the trees and in the bathroom. Literally, finding out where I am standing. lol

I kind of understand why people say, live the present.

One of my greatest joy of life.

The inner emotions are the ones that you do not want to show others, because your afraid others will call you a freak or you are scared your weakness would be abused by others. Once you show it, your vulnerable. Everyone knows how to hurt you inside. So, a lot of people prefer to hide their inner emotions. I still do. Who would care enough? Everyone is busy living their life.

But, I do enjoy letting these emotions out. I do wish I had a better mechanism for expressing these emotions. Letting emotions out is really relieving, when your always constraining yourself. Many people have different ways of letting out emotions. A lot of the Koreans go drinking. To a lot of Koreans alcohol is a way to punish themselves and let their inner emotions out. They drink as if they want to kill themselves drunk. As they become drunk, they are too weak to constrain their emotions. However, I've tried this once and it led to too many burden to people I know. Then again this could have been my true self.

At the moment, I've found another way of awakening my emotions in a healthy matter. Its by listening to piano music. I enjoy listening to Jim Brickman, Yiruma, Helen Jane Long and of course Beethoven. Somehow I feel that sad songs have the greatest impact on me. I also like those songs that have hope in it. A dark background and a bright melody that is weak at the beginning but gets stronger. These songs somewhat heal me inside, while it lets my emotions out.

Walking around alone with music is one of my greatest joy of life.
Each song gives a different view of life and my surrounding. 

Christmas is coming...

The nearer it gets to Christmas, the weaker I become. Christmas always have been a two edged sword. Its does bring happiness, but the pain is immense. It just brings out so much emotions that I cannot function properly as a human being. All my inner fears are brought out.

Christmas is very meaningful to me. Well, in a semi good way. It gives me second chances to see someone of value. Someone from the past that was thought to be gone forever. However, it also means that I would not see that person in the future.

I guess I have mixed feelings for Christmas. Well, for this year, I'll be at my dorm alone. My plans are to go to the aquarium and say Hi  to the whale sharks. Just sit there watching the whales for a bit.

Then, I go back home and drink hot choco.

Power of Asian Parents

Asian parents are crazy. They are like holy crusaders. They are mad people. Well, at least for our generation our parents are all of above. (This is the i-generation btw for those people who would read this post in the future.) Our Asian parents believe that some divine spirit has order them to give everything to their children. Their purpose in life is just to give us everything. They're only pleasure is watching us grow up and eventually find independence.

I do not understand.

I think our parents are irrational. Even if the children's love is not reciprocate of those of the parents, the parents always love their children. It really makes no sense. Then again, love is something that makes no sense. The only thing irrational in this world is love. Love makes people go against reasoning. As cliche as it is, love does make us human.

In most cases where the children parents do not talk to each other, its just that both parties have difficulty expressing their love. I do blame the parents because for a child, the parent is the role model for observant learning. If the parents fail to give a good example of how to express love, the children would also have difficulty. So, in the end, the parent is unable to show his or her love, the children also cannot. As time goes on, parent and child, distance themselves. However, no matter what kind of parent or child he or she is, they do love each other.

I do know how it feels to hate your parents. In elementary school, when I was bullied, I didn't mind because I had my parents. In high school, when I was bullied, I didn't have my parents. To me, my parents betrayed my trust. I needed a single person to comfort me, but my parents didn't. They didn't like my grades even though I was doing my best. It was difficult for me as I have not learned Korean properly and I tended a local elite school. I've absorbed the negativity inside and outside of my comfort zone. Also, I still hate my dad for making me always worry.  I guess I hate him because I love my dad.

After reading this post, you still think you don't love your parents. Well, trust me, you'll notice it but it would be too late... So I am telling you now, you do love your parents.

Another thing to think about is, what kind of parent would I be? As of now, I really do not want to be a parent. It seems like too much responsibility. Plus, I have not yet found someone I could love. Distance has always been a problem for me, as I do move around a lot. I wonder if I could find someone where the trust is so strong that distance does not matter.

I'll dream on haha

Bad Girl, Nice Girl, Bad Boy, Nice Boy

This has been on the internet for a while. Basically it shows that nice girls love cats, Nice girls love bad boys. Bad girls love rich fat guys. This kind of explains all those fat guys on the streets with hot chicks. The nice poor guy ends up not having anything. Well, I guess this is somewhat true for our society.

However, the problem with this picture is how do we define bad girl, nice girl, bad boy, bad girl? There is no objectivity. Anyone can become a bad girl by rejecting someone because that someone is not her taste. Then again, anyone can become a bad boy because he rejected someone. 'Anyone can became a bad girl or bad boy. Its just how the system works apparently. I do lack knowledge on relationships because I prefer to distance myself from everyone. Well, until recently, when I became mentally weak because I ended up watching someone go through misery.

Psychologically, people seem to like people who are interested by a lot of people of the opposite sex. I have a guy friend A who used to go out with friend B. I've talked to friend B for a bit and talked about her interest in friend A. She replied that she wants to see guy A to date another girl and after that she wants him. This makes no sense to me. Friend B loves everything about Friend A, his looks, height, personality and etc. The only reason she decided not to go out with Friend A again is because Friend A hasn't gotten into another relationship. Well, as for Friend A, he goes to an engineering school. The same school as I'm going to. From my experience, meeting girls in our school is very hard. Making friends who are girls is a challenge, but finding girls you would like to be your girl friend is even harder. Friend A and I would joke about how we're still single. Well, the thing is we are both quite out going. I know a lot of people. I would have to keep waving my hand because I know so many people. I really think girl B is being dumb. Does she really want to watch A love someone else? I've done it before and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life.

Just brought this up because its a quite funny description of our society

착한여자 = nice girl
나쁜여자 = bad girl
착한남자 = nice guy
나쁜남자 = bad guy

Bullying is Bullsh*t

I guess this is what I'm going through most of the time. It really is hard get yourself out of it. Especially you weren't bullied in just school. When your both bullied at a school as well as by your parents, its really hard to believe in yourself. It really brainwashes you to stop believing in yourself.

This is the real reason why I'm a bit more negative than a lot of people. Now I talk about bullying as if its a joke and as of now, nobody can bully me because I'm physically stronger than them. I might as well talk about the psychological state on this blog post. The world is just dark. You hate to go to school, you hate every break you get in school, you hate the way to and back to school. Those are the intervals when bullies try to get you. My way of adapting to the situation was just keep it low and just avoid. Fighting back wasn't a choice because I did not want my parents involved in this. I'll cause pain for my parents and I'll also receive peer rejection. From observation of people who were bullied and if their parents got involved, the bullied kid was ignored by the whole classmates. Asking for help also was not a option. I was new to school and I barely know anyone in Korea. I could ask the teacher for help but then again by asking for help, I become the special child. I wouldn't be able to fit in with everyone.

So, basically, I just kept it to myself and tried my best to fit in school. Eventually I did fit in. The problem during the process, I've thought about killing myself many times. Every bridge I see or subway that pass by it was a choice for me. I could choose to live or die. But, then again, I would just imagine the process of dying and how painful it would be. I also thought about how I'll be causing pain for my parents. My way of coping with this was to just stop caring about myself mentally. That is why I became selfless.

I can't be happy, but then nobody can hurt me mentally.

However, thankfully I still do enjoy making people laugh. Sadly, when it comes to expressing negativity towards something, I hurt myself mentally. Since I cannot forward it others.

One thing I noticed about bullying campaign. They don't realize adults aren't the only people that can help. Students should be educated to help peers who are bullied. Adults helping works negatively but peers helping does actually work. Well, for my children, I'll teach them that they should care for others who are being bullied.

Its quite funny how I used to always be the one that help new comers to school adapt into the school.

Personal Problem

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080604063421AAekGGl

This is my greatest problem right now. I'm getting weaker everyday because I care about others. Every time I have to care about someone I go through insecurity and severe depression. Caring really drains the life out of me. I can't stop worrying and eventually I end up doing things for others. I mean to me it is the right thing to do. Help people, but its making me more depressed. I did a lot of things for others. When people were going through trouble, I did my very best to help them, whether it was loneliness, girlfriend/boyfriend problem, death of a family member, friendship problems, financial problems. These are just categories... if I go through the specifics, its pretty crazy how much time and money I spent on people. Giving is a luxury and it sometimes does give me pleasure. I really did enjoy it and expected nothing in return. Absolutely nothing. When I do get something in return, I was pretty amazed. I guess I have very low expectation of people. However, I think I'm on my limits...

Even if you say you don't expect anything, its really hard. I'm not Jesus or Buddha. I'm a human being,  I worked for the gifts I sent people. I wasted my time suggesting ideas and worrying. I also hate people that take advantage of nice people. It really hurts me a lot. Whether its financial or emotional.

I wish I had the power to watch people suffer. They tell me their problem and I would just tell them its your fault. Its cruel but its really their fault, there is nobody to blame. I am not God and I can't change anything. I can only give support. I'm starting to realize my support is meaningless to a lot of people because sometimes I do need someone. But, very few people care.

I'll be going to sleep again since in dreams, I don't have to care about anyone.

Being a pessimist

I wonder how I became a pessimist. I was actually very bright and happy.
Everything changed after I was in highschool in Korea.

After that I was always like this.

One of a Kind.

Today I'm going to share you this gift I'm going to send for a friend.

Its the album called one of a kind. This is what you get if you purchase the cd.

haha I'm really not into buying music but I do it if its a gift.

You get a bunch of pictures

The big cd.

That is it.

This post looks really odd.

Should you care?

This will be a short post as I am busy cramming for my test tomorrow. I will fail because I am not myself. I think I'm having panic attacks. Everyday I have to go through these intense moments of fear. For some reason I'm just scared. Most of the time, I just have to think about sexy dances and I'm fine. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder. Well, I'm going to visit the school counselors. Maybe I'll feel better.

Anyways, my question is should you care about others? I care a lot about others that sometimes I risk friendship. Say if your friend suddenly started drinking alcohol, started drugs, started smoking or something that you would see that is harmful for your friend, would you care enough to stop them?

As for me, if I know its going to end bad. I will risk friendship. Sometimes you get good results and sometimes you get bad results. To be honest, you get a lot more bad results because people only think of the present. They enjoy what they are doing now, and don't think of the consequences of the future. The things people do to look cool and for money is pretty pathetic.

I wish I could stop caring. It does take a lot of effort and needless thoughts. However, as of now, even if I tell myself I would stop caring, it seems to not work.As soon as I'm done with college. I'll be deleting my facebook. Facebook is the only way I would be connected to my friends, but I will keep caring about people if I keep talking to them. The problem is that I feel guilty for not being able to be there for them. The guilt is always there for some reason.

I guess it will keep piling up if I don't change the way I think.

btw I bought the One of Kind will be posting that up soon.

Arguments.

Having arguments with smart people is hard. Sometimes you have to give in and it is a good thing. We have logically came to a conclusion. The problem is when you have arguments with stupid people. When I say stupid people, its not about a college degree or education, its about their way of engaging in arguments they care about.

School teaches you to debate. It doesn't teach you how to argue and eventually give in or make the opponent give in. It doesn't teach you to realize that your not right. It doesn't teach you to reflect on what you did. Most people just forget and just remain the same instead of learning from arguments.

I did have few arguments with friends due to the fact I am over protective. Well, I have been over protective for these reasons. To me, their behavior seemed as if they had no control over it. Its like me watching porn. I have no control over it. Well, the thing is that porn doesn't really harm me. Psychologically a bit as studies show, but nothing really much. But, when people start calling alcohol their happiness and show obsession over it. It worries me a lot. Regular drinkers, we don't emphasize drinking is happiness. We don't really talk about it. We don't post pictures on facebook of glasses of alcohol. Another argument was on MLM. The person didn't show any neutrality. I mean even religious people doubt God sometimes. Yet, they don't doubt MLM. Its like a cult.

So... people when they argue. They use everything to make themselves feel they are better than you. They will mention random college degrees, knowledge, and eventually use their age. I am older than you, so I know more things. Well, whatever. I do look up at older people a lot. I want to learn from their experience, which I have not yet learned about, especially death. However, they anyways disappoint me. Adults my ass. When you can't be responsible, your not an adult. Your just a kid who pretends to be an adult. Thinking that your an adult because you had sex, drink alcohol, go for prostitution, do drugs, and etc. Thanks for setting a good example of yourselves. It just shows that I can't live clean. So Thanks for telling me that. Here is one of Joel's video. I liked it a lot. Using age as an argument is the worst idea ever.

After people use age to bs their ways. When they are cornered in an argument because they know they are doing something wrong. They start using pathos in a very bad way. Just like my mom did. You say the most hurtful thing to your opponent. The problem is that I take these very seriously. Every word, I do take it personal and I do accept every  one of it. Because sometimes, they are very true. But sometimes they say the worst thing ever. I really hate when this stage of the arguments happen. Its time to decide whether you want to keep your friendship or just fk it. Well, the argument now has become a fight. Its about hurting the other. No matter what I say, it doesn't mean anything. They just want to hurt you as much as possible.

That is when you just give up. Go watch more porn, go clubbing, listen to loud music, play video games, and sleep. Hate yourself for caring. Ask yourself why do you even care?

Eventually the pain might disappear.
Eventually the guilt of not helping a friend follow the correct path might go away.
Eventually I'll realized I did my best and be happy.
Eventually they will realize why I tried so hard.
Maybe they'll tell me I was right and thank me for trying.
I think that probably would never happen.

*Note to myself: Don't talk to people. 

Money... There is always other ways..

I'm just going to go over a boring topic on money. Well, whatever I say won't be credible because I probably didn't go through what everyone else have been through. But, I really don't care. I'm kind of fed up getting hate for caring. So its really up to you to decide.

Money and I have a hate/love relationship, starting from an early age. You know how when you have a older sister or younger sibling you have jealousy issues? You always think  your parents care more about your siblings more than you. Well, for me I had this relationship with money. Kind of funny right? I couldn't help it. My mom was cheap. She would try to save every cent she could. She would do anything to save money. No matter how little the amount is. If it costs money, I would have to give up. I would always get huge shoes that never fit. Just wore clothes the school gave out. Sometimes buy pants. Sometimes buy tshirt. I would wear something other for a week and I wouldn't have anything to wear. I guess I had like 2 pairs of pants, and like 8 tshirts? We did eat out a lot, but it was in those cheap discounted food places. Really, you would be amazed how much semi good food you can get from discounted places. Hanging out friends costed money as well. Well, we screwed that. The thing is, I felt my parents would do anything for money. Even replace me with money. So, this is how I started hating money. Then a girl I liked, dated a guy just because he was rich. Actually fell in love with him and eventually had a breakup. It was the most painful thing I had to go through. She would believe a rich guy than a friend. Few friends joined the MLM system that would not really work. Even if it worked for them, they are harming others. So, I can't be friends with them. My principles are clear. I can't harm others, I can't also friends who would harm others. They joined because of money. Brainwashed because of money. And again they won't even listen to a friend because they are blinded by money. Blinded by love is more like blinded by money these days.Then again I have to love money. Yes I was blinded by money as well.

Because of my cheap mother, I've always thought more money was more happiness. However, I did realize money wasn't the answer to happiness. Its really about how you think. As long as you think in a positive way, you can be happy, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

However, back then I did love money. Well, I guess I do now as well but for very different reasons. My first love was in another country. I didn't have money to get plane tickets so this never worked out. That is the reason I loved money. I thought one day if I can get enough money, I can change things and have more control of my life. Well, that never happened as of now. I also thought I could be happier with materialistic goods. hahaha actually, the only reason I studied in high school was I wanted to gain independence from my parents.  I dreamed of getting a room and being able to play computer games everyday. Well, that didn't happen and my interest changed.

Now, there is two different reasons. First, personal reasons. I need to dress well. It really helps my problem with low confidence. I mean it feels nice when I wear nice things. The second reason is I kind of want to help others. Well, actually I hate helping people because I really do get no gains from it. Better relationships with friends? Fk no. They forget everything and take it for granted. Really I'm not gaining anything. Absolutely nothing in return. It also pisses me off how people would listen when it involves money. The girl that was in MLM, she started listening when I told her I'll give her the amount she paid. That brought her back to her senses. I decided to reduce the price because right now isn't a very good time for me financially. But, I can't believe she still wants something from me lol. wtf she should be thanking me for bringing her into her sense. Well, I decided to make it multiple small gifts because it would be easier for me.

Sadly, I can't help myself. But I am stopping all this helping others thing this december. I'm tired of it. And I'm going to stop caring about others. That is my goal in life. Stop caring.

Anyways, what I really wanted to say was, money isn't everything in your life. Just make sure that you save enough to have some sort of emergency money. That is the most important thing. Emergency money. You really shouldn't be too greedy. Don't ever think of fast easy money. It always comes with a string. It could be losing family, friends, and relationships. Hard work does pay off really. The reason I have so much respect for my dad is because his parents were farmers who lost everything to gambling  He came to Seoul with nothing literary. Somehow he managed to feed himself. Somehow he joined a company that send him to foreign countries. Somehow he climbed the social ladder. This somehow is all because he worked hard.

So stop becoming a victim of money.


Sorry this post isn't so well written, was very sleepy

Best Days Ever & MLM

Today I went shopping for food. I was preparing for my fall break. The dining hall would be closed so I had to prepare in advance. However, one fallacy is that I'm too lazy too cook my meal. 

After I got my food, I just took a rest. I sat on the grass for a bit. I wanted to relax.

Really, relaxing feels really good. You just sit there and watch the sky. 

I haven't done this for a while. 

Usually I go stay in my dorm or class.

I went shopping for clothes. 

I love urban outfitters. 

I love their t shirts. 

For pants I got to zara. 

The zara pants aren't really durable, 

but they do fit really nicely.

The other day I had some dimsum. 

It was really amazing. 

I love this restaurant. 

I'll always miss it, 

when I go back to Korea. 

A friend of mine called yesterday night. 

She was talking about MLM, multi level marketing.

Don't every do this please. 

She was semi brain washed and it took me an hour or so.

To convince that it was wrong. 

It was very hard to convince her. 

I cried a few times because she won't believe me. 

Even then, it was hard.

At the end, she was moved. 

I'm not sure if it was the money I was going to pay her to stop or the fact I cried so much trying to convince her. 

Thankfully, she got back to her senses. 

So she is going to stop.

She told me she'll contact me after 3 days to update me on this stuff. 

Thankfully her boss knows about MLM.

I'm really thankful she talked about this with me.

I'm actually really happy.  

But I guess I am over protective.

I can't help it. 

Like I don't care about everything else

but I do care about these things.

1. experience of death

2. drugs

3. smoking

4. drinking

5. MLM 

Apparently, I do not care about prostitution. 

I do not know why, but I think it is the way how Korean society was structured.

Prostitution is very common in Korea. 

It just pisses me of sometimes.

Society is such a bad place.

Its amazing how much money, sex and looks influences everything.

Well,I found clubbing the answer to all this depressing thoughts. 

I just have to move my body, until I'm completely tired out. 

I have 6 hours and I have to use it to the fullest. 

Keep moving because I can only enjoy this for only certain days.

Meet strangers.

Don't trust them but they're just here to have fun with you.

Dance with girls. 

So I ended up drinking 6 bottles of water.

A lot of people thought I was doing over dose of drugs.

Kept asking me how much I took.

Well, I didn't.

I had more like overdoes of problems.

Well after that night.

I got back.

Got some breakfast.

Waffle house is disgusting.

It really is.

But, they did have really good eggs and waffle.

I guess I was really hungry.

The bubble tea was really tasty as well.

I got that earlier with dimsum.

Today I'm going to make some sam gae tang. 

I'll  blog about it. 

I'm starting to realize why my dad told me

don't be a hero

Sometimes you just have to pray.

Sometimes you just have to pray for others.

I guess I understand why people pray.

You can't do anything, but you want to do something.

Praying is something that you can do. 

I guess I'll be praying for two people.

Thankfully, I'm able to thank them.
Even though I'm thanking them in indirect ways...
I really wish I could thank them in person.

The inability to thank people is the worst feeling you can get.

Really thank you for everything.
Wish you the best.

So deleted the post about Image of black people in Korea

Too much for me to handle.

I guess its because its not a good time for me. 

Eating Out with a Nuna

Yesterday was overall a good day until someone commented about me being racist and then made everything sad fml.I guess people are just enjoying themselves hating me, rather than doing things to change or make people understand.Well, I mean its ok to hate me if I'm like emotionally stable. But, I'm not right now. I'm not strong to take all of this bullshit. The thing about depression is the smallest thing can make you just collapse. The comment made me unstable, but I got through it. Like today I couldn't go to the doctor's appointment because I didn't have a cab. The inability to get to somewhere and I can't do anything about it. Really makes me feel bad. I don't know, the inability to do something really gets me.

So except for the stupid comment. My day was pretty good. I actually was able to pay attention to few of my lectures. I learned a lot.

I also ate out with a nuna. (older sister). She bought me meat. OMG. I want to marry her now. because the meat was too good. It was so juicy. Well, it was expensive, but she bought me. omg why.. So I ended up kept thanking her.

Well Yesterday was a good day.

Its really nice to receive sometimes, when your giving so much to others.

I'm really thankful

Btw. I'm not going to write much about Korea unless I am there. 

I'm just going to focus on my life in America and record the pleasures I find here. 

Yesterday was a good day.

Yesterday was a good day. I went to the lenox mall. I had to exchange my pants for the second time because the pants had problems. First, there was a hole in the pocket. Then, I got the wrong size for the exchanged product. Well, I finally finished exchanging the product. I really like Zara pants. They aren't very durable. They get torn easily, but they really do fit me well. I also got a scarf. I usually wear mufflers but I tried one on and it was pretty. The problem is it is brown. Brown is a nice color for a scarf because it means it will look good with most colors. However, I have a brown trench coat. So it blends in together -.-. Making it boring. I guess I need a black or beige trench coat. I wonder where to get it from -.-.. I'm on a student budget. I think I can spend like 50~150 on it. Well, I could just not care and wear my brown trench coat.

I had some terriyaki chicken. It was good. I had to eat alone, but being alone is something I'm very used to. I don't mind shopping alone.

I couldn't find any other good stuff from the mall. A lot of stuff were too expensive. Or it was ugly...

I'm actually really bad at finding fashionable items. I like clothes that are immature that makes me look like a kid. Then again, I like clothes that make me look more mature. I buy a lot more of the childish clothes because they are cheaper. Mature clothes are more expensive. To be honest, my plan was to start buying clothes when I get a job, after I earn my own money. The problem was people around my age seems to spend a lot of money on clothes, making me feel bad for wearing cheap clothes -.-. Freaking peer pressure fml.

Anyways I got back. I finally cleaned my room. I got 3 bags of trash.. I guess I had a lot of junk. I cleaned my room for few hours. I removed everything that is distracting. I need to clean my room again when I get back as well. I need to remove more things that would distract me.

I also cleaned my bathroom. Took another hour.

I made one of lower classmates laugh, during the classmate's depression. I also gave the box of chocolate I bought from lenox mall. It was quite interesting because I just bought some for no reason and I made use for it.

I took a bath after I cleaned everything. I got to clean my body. Very relaxing. Maybe it was something that I wanted all along. I'm going to take another bath after my fall break starts. I just need sometime where I just relax.

I'm going to go finish cleaning. Then lay down for a bit and then study.

Dear God.

I know your busy helping people who actually need help.

So to prove you that that I have control over my life.
I've done what you call self destruction because its the only thing I could control.
Well, its not working out. Its fun and all but its kind of destroying my future.
Well, not that I have a bright future, but I kind of need to feed myself. Idk I need lots of meat.
Cause I plan on dying, eating too much meat. Or on an air flight, which costs money.


So I've decided to go back to studying. Before no matter how hard I tried, I seem to not get any better. Well, now that I'm at the bottom, I can only improve. I know as long as I try I can improve now.

I'll try my best.

Could you like really help people that needs help.
I know you need your private time too but just do your best.

Dear readers,
Don't worry. I just need somewhere to write emo stuff.
I'm actually happy as long as I can sexy dance in  my room!
Well I don't pole dance sadly.
Bye!

insightful youtube comment

"people dont get it. If you had/have a bad day, suck it up. Just remember that you are not the only one in this world. You think you have the bad day, we''re all do! So, take it easy and enjoy what you have left of this world."

Who are you?

lol Sorry. Well, I just wanted to know who you guys are. Can you guys introduce yourselves???
Its kind of annoying, like how you guys know me well but I have no idea who you guys are.
Post pictures so if your rich and pretty, I can marry you LOL

I'm WonTaek Chung. A student in an American engineering school. Probably going to do mba so I can enjoy my life. I'm not saying mba is any easier tho. Its just that it seems more interesting. I'm a future want to be playboy. Well, assuming I have time and money. A pessimist, but I am thankful of a lot of things. Lived in 3 different countries equally. Lived in Malaysia, America and Korea equally. However, I'm neither American, Malaysian or Korean. I'm just a mashed potato. I still taste good. Well I guess that's what that really matters. I'm funny. Yeah, people aren't suppose to say they are funny, but really I'm so funny that you'll want to let me hump you. Sorry I don't hump guys. Its just no fun. Well today I was humped, it felt really bad. So no. What else? I have a red nose because I have a habit of touching my nose. Well I'm not picking my nose so don't worry. I like meat. The doctor told me I should eat less meat or I'll get sick. But I don't care. RIP cows. I stopped watching movies because I can't stop crying in the theater. Stupid. I do enjoy nature. Thats the reason I like playing golf. I get to just relax for a bit until a golf ball hits my head. I'm trying to lose weight because I want girls to hit on me.  lol obviously they don't but I've realized its better to look sexy. As of now, I haven't fallen in love with a proper relationship. Well if your rich and want a Korean pet, feel free to adopt me. Actually I just want meat. As long as you can provide me with some good meat I'm happy. Promises are important to me, but I'm the only one keeping them. It just hurts a lot when promises are broken. I wish more people knew the importance of promises. I like sexy dances. Well both watching them and doing them. Well, its more like lose control dances. It just one way of not thinking about anything. I like shopping. I wish I had a better body. So I can wear sexier clothes.

So... who are you?

I think I've been living alone too long...

I wonder how it feels to be loved for just the way you are.
Well, the only people that can give me this is my parents, but I seem to never meet their expectation.So, I always wanted to be fire fighter. Saving lives. lol fk that. My parents are like follow money.

Either become
1. Engineer
2. Doctor
3. Lawyer

lol. They keep saying they are treating me that way for my own good, but I'm already stressed out and guilt tripped like so many times for being stupid. I mean I can study hard if they loved me. Right now I'm kind of giving up. I need a break.

lol you know when I was young. Like when I was poor. You guys probably won't believe me, because poor is a relative word. but for sure a lot poorer.

I know I know, there is always those people who can't afford clothes, food, and shoes. But my point is I was jealous of those kids who had divorced parents but get loads of money from both sides. Yeah, I should be ashamed of myself but it was true. I thought, having a lot of money was something that that would make me happy. Because at that point of time, I was desperate for money. So, right now, I have a bit of money. I mean I'm not rich, but I have enough money to buy clothes. But, I definitely lack family love. I mean they tell me they love me, but they don't do anything to express it. Am I expecting too much? I just wish my parents just gave me a fking present because they want to and tell me they are proud of me lol. Idk this is something that only my parents can find out by themselves. If I tell them, the meaning is gone. So, I'm just waiting for them to give me a present lol Right now, I just go and buy myself a christmas present and birthday present. lol this is like pathetic. I'm only 22 and I'm going through the you know when 30 year old singles panic when they can't marry. WTF. But really, receiving presents from other people really means a lot more than just buying yourself gifts lol

It just feels different.

Well I think I've been living alone too long. Its nice that you get your own space and all. Its just that when your sick, your screwed. Nobody cares. Your birthday, christmas all those family days screw that lol.

Also I wish people keep away from saying shit when they don't really mean to when they are mad. To me words really mean a lot to me. Telling me I should just go die really wants to make me just kill myself lol If they tell me I'm stupid, I already know. If they tell me they wish I was never born, I wish I wasn't too. I'm sorry k? Its not my fault for being born lol Its not I had a choice to be born or not.

I mean I'm fine with arguing. Arguing bring solutions, but calling each other shit really hurts a lot. I just wish people tried to understand each other better.

Sorry guys for so much negativity, but its just how I am and its going to be a hard time for me and negativity brings me stability believe it or not.

1. Academically I'm not doing so well because I'm just tired of all this.
(I know its just a bunch of excuses but I really am tired of studying and sacrificing happiness)
Its the period of time when I'll be losing friends lol. Well, usually after 2 years, everyone has moved on
2. I'll also be losing college friends next year. I do have a lot of college friends because apparently I'm an outgoing person. lol but I'm not really close to any of them. Well, I'll be parting with them.

Really, I'm probably not going to see any of them. I'l; be chilling in Korea.

lol. On Christmas I have to say good bye to a friend. Fk I hate Christmas because every fking Christmas someone important just disappears from my life.

3. Military. Goodbye
4. Fell in love with the wrong person. lol its funny how hard it is for me to fall in love and then when I finally do, there is nothing I can do about it. She did everything my parents did. So, it just reminded me everything about my dark past.
5. Adapting to Korean society
6. oh my friend's mom had the stroke... my god, I know how it feels. It keeps reminding me of my dad. So we're going clubbing. For him, it helps him be distracted. His relationship with his mom is pretty much the same relationship between me and my dad. I'm kind of worried because really he is too young. Its just that we're not in the state where we can live without our parents. It really brings a lot of instability. Idk for me my dad was the shield of the family. But, watching this shield break meant a lot to me. Fk I really don't know how to react to this situation. Its my first time and I didn't have anyone taking care of me.

I guess I'll give my friend flowers so he can give it to his mother.
That is the best I can do.

Korean Parents

Korean parents vary, just like any parent from different nationalities. But somethings are very different.

1. Education
Korean parents are obsessed with good education. Children's mental health doesn't matter when it comes to education. Parents would do anything to provide their children with good education. They would send kids to hakwon which are basically a concentration camp for reading & writing. Once the children come out of hakwons they become smarter. Of course it comes with a price. One of the expensive ones costs around 1000 dollars per month. But, the thing is this is just one hakwon. Most people do 2~3 hakwons. But, for most people they would pay this much because a good education is a necessary for surviving the Korean society.

2. Rumors
Korean parents are such gossips. They would keep making stupid rumors. Keep spreading them. The problem is the victims are the children. Reason why parents are embarrassed of their children. If their children gets bad rumors, they feel extremely embarrassed. Call it shame to the family's pride.

3. Father rule all
Dads make decisions. Its final.

4. Mother nags
Mom would always nag about something.

5. They'll give everything.
The Korean system is a bit different. Parents will give money to children when they start off in the society. It makes it easier for children. However, parents would sacrifice their retirement plans. I mean look at all those young people with branded clothes. Then again we look at older generations and they wear pretty shitty clothes. I feel guilty for buying clothes but sometimes it annoys me a lot how everybody buys branded clothes that if you don't meet up with the standards, people look down on you.

6. Generation gap is insane. Look at Korea right now. It has so much technology and so much fashion. Look at Korea 50 years ago. It was just recovering from the war. My parents were trained for a war in school. Basically grew up in a shithole. So, its hard for them to understand we need cellphones, laptops and etc. For them I guess the fact that we have books, water and shelter is enough. fmlfmlfmlfmlfml.

How are parents' from your world?

Clubbing in America

I'm like the only Asian clubbing.

Its quite fun. I like clubbing.

Racism

I think the first step of fighting racism is just to admit your racist lol

Well, then again I'm actually open minded.

It just makes me mad when I see people calling themselves denying their racial discrimination and never attempt to fix it.