I think I've been living alone too long...

I wonder how it feels to be loved for just the way you are.
Well, the only people that can give me this is my parents, but I seem to never meet their expectation.So, I always wanted to be fire fighter. Saving lives. lol fk that. My parents are like follow money.

Either become
1. Engineer
2. Doctor
3. Lawyer

lol. They keep saying they are treating me that way for my own good, but I'm already stressed out and guilt tripped like so many times for being stupid. I mean I can study hard if they loved me. Right now I'm kind of giving up. I need a break.

lol you know when I was young. Like when I was poor. You guys probably won't believe me, because poor is a relative word. but for sure a lot poorer.

I know I know, there is always those people who can't afford clothes, food, and shoes. But my point is I was jealous of those kids who had divorced parents but get loads of money from both sides. Yeah, I should be ashamed of myself but it was true. I thought, having a lot of money was something that that would make me happy. Because at that point of time, I was desperate for money. So, right now, I have a bit of money. I mean I'm not rich, but I have enough money to buy clothes. But, I definitely lack family love. I mean they tell me they love me, but they don't do anything to express it. Am I expecting too much? I just wish my parents just gave me a fking present because they want to and tell me they are proud of me lol. Idk this is something that only my parents can find out by themselves. If I tell them, the meaning is gone. So, I'm just waiting for them to give me a present lol Right now, I just go and buy myself a christmas present and birthday present. lol this is like pathetic. I'm only 22 and I'm going through the you know when 30 year old singles panic when they can't marry. WTF. But really, receiving presents from other people really means a lot more than just buying yourself gifts lol

It just feels different.

Well I think I've been living alone too long. Its nice that you get your own space and all. Its just that when your sick, your screwed. Nobody cares. Your birthday, christmas all those family days screw that lol.

Also I wish people keep away from saying shit when they don't really mean to when they are mad. To me words really mean a lot to me. Telling me I should just go die really wants to make me just kill myself lol If they tell me I'm stupid, I already know. If they tell me they wish I was never born, I wish I wasn't too. I'm sorry k? Its not my fault for being born lol Its not I had a choice to be born or not.

I mean I'm fine with arguing. Arguing bring solutions, but calling each other shit really hurts a lot. I just wish people tried to understand each other better.

Sorry guys for so much negativity, but its just how I am and its going to be a hard time for me and negativity brings me stability believe it or not.

1. Academically I'm not doing so well because I'm just tired of all this.
(I know its just a bunch of excuses but I really am tired of studying and sacrificing happiness)
Its the period of time when I'll be losing friends lol. Well, usually after 2 years, everyone has moved on
2. I'll also be losing college friends next year. I do have a lot of college friends because apparently I'm an outgoing person. lol but I'm not really close to any of them. Well, I'll be parting with them.

Really, I'm probably not going to see any of them. I'l; be chilling in Korea.

lol. On Christmas I have to say good bye to a friend. Fk I hate Christmas because every fking Christmas someone important just disappears from my life.

3. Military. Goodbye
4. Fell in love with the wrong person. lol its funny how hard it is for me to fall in love and then when I finally do, there is nothing I can do about it. She did everything my parents did. So, it just reminded me everything about my dark past.
5. Adapting to Korean society
6. oh my friend's mom had the stroke... my god, I know how it feels. It keeps reminding me of my dad. So we're going clubbing. For him, it helps him be distracted. His relationship with his mom is pretty much the same relationship between me and my dad. I'm kind of worried because really he is too young. Its just that we're not in the state where we can live without our parents. It really brings a lot of instability. Idk for me my dad was the shield of the family. But, watching this shield break meant a lot to me. Fk I really don't know how to react to this situation. Its my first time and I didn't have anyone taking care of me.

I guess I'll give my friend flowers so he can give it to his mother.
That is the best I can do.