What's happing to the blogger.

I'll take a moment to tell you what really happened. I guess these recent blog posts describe my true self, a weak person that likes to victimize oneself to earn pity. Its a way that human beings use to feel better for their failures. At the moment, I'm using this as well. Though it may sound pathetic it does help a bit. Overall its the same story, its just that something triggered it.

To start off, I do have a complicated issue of moving on. From a very early age, I've been moving on. I said hello and good byes in around 11 to 12 different environments and group of people. These are few hundreds of people I've met and parted. None have ever last. From an early age, I've learned to never trust anyone to last. Its pretty cold hearted, but it was one way to defend myself from feeling the pain every few years. If you don't expect anything, there is no reason to be hurt. I've also gone through a lot of bullying. My parents also condemned and ignored my existence for being academically retarded. Then, one of my parents almost died, spewing a lot of blood. So that has completely removed my trust for my parents to be there for me. For few years, I've stopped trusting anyone. However, last Christmas, I met a person from the past. I did not expect her to appear again. Actually this is my third time, our paths in life have crossed. To me, this girl was very significant. She is the only person that came back from the past. Also, she wanted me to trust her in the sense that she will not disappear. Trusting her made me very happy. It was my first time trusting someone for a long time. However, the problem appeared when she started dating someone who did not care for her. This girl was always sad and I asked her to break up, but she just ignored me. Also, I could not make her happy, no matter what I do, because its how she is when she is depressed. I gradually begun to feel the inability to make others happy. Eventually, she had a bad break up. Became an alcoholic. From her behavior patterns, every break up she seems to destroy herself. So, I've asked her out. For myself and for hers. However, it did not go well. She decided to leave and I've tried to stop her from doing so even guilt tripping her. After that I felt extreme guilt and blamed myself for the destruction of our relationship as friends. Moreover, I was not able to thank her for her time and care. The inability to thank her, reminded me when my dad was in the hospital. So, everything that happened few years ago came back. The immense fear I felt, the inability to do anything. Everything. The night I was alone. 

After few weeks, I did send her a message thanking her. Even still, I do feel the pain. I was just too happy that someone came back from the past and it broke my belief. lol I was waiting for someone to break it. Well for now, I'm back to where I was. Don't trust anyone. I just hope she does get married though, because she always dreamed about a wedding. I do not know how she will deal with it when nobody wants to marry her because of her age. Its just how Asia is. After a certain age, guys loose interest in girls who are in their 30s. 

Also, I've been doing a project after I entered college. It was to help depressed fellow friends. I thought if I placed some effort, I could help people. Basically, I've been sending mountains of packages to people who were depressed because of family issues, friendship issues, lose of something important, loneliness, girlfriend issues and etc. I just wanted to help them get out of their depression. Because to me, helping other is the moral thing to do. I do wish I was physically there for them but since I could not, sending packages was everything I could do. It was fine until recently, the results were disappointing. I was happy to give and receive thank yous. That was all I expected from people. I never expected anything in return except for keeping in touch. Maybe have lunch together once in a while. However, the results were very disappointing. I've found people who tried to use me for their benefits. This is something I could not appreciate. I do things for others with my free will, not because they want me to. Once they start making me do things, I feel very disrespected and disappointed. lol. 

Recently, I've destroyed couple of relationships, because Multi Level Marketing. To me, harming others is the greatest sin that one could cause. The people who have joined MLM is tricking people and harming others by giving them false hope that they can get rich fast and easy. Basically stealing money. To me, it was important to get my friends out of there. Its something you shouldn't do as a human being no matter how desperate you are for money. It was none of my business, but to me it was the correct thing to do. We've ended up arguing. As a result, I've lost couple of so called friends. It was quite painful. 

I've also broke my jaw. I cannot chew properly. 

Everything has crippled me. Too much happened all at once. Pushed me to the limits. Yet, I cannot get help physically. I'm stuck in this dorm, unable to do anything. I thought, if I tried hard enough, I could change things. However, this belief has been crushed. I'm in the process of accepting defeat. However, through this process, I did learn a lot about myself. 

The problem is that now I'm too depressed to function as a human being. I'm trapped inside this infinite loop of inability to do anything my heart tells me to. What is the point of having a heart, when you cannot follow it? Every other fellow being would do things to destroy whatever I dream of. What is the point of having promises, when promises are only kept if only the other benefits from it? Why do I spend the effort of making friends, when I loose everything? 

I was trying my best to fight against everything. I gave it my all and now I am retreating. I'm exhausted. Mentally deprived. 

lol I still cannot believe after I showed care and kindness, couple of people just wants to use me every chance they came across. Its scary how people are so greedy. Maybe its my fault for being kind. 

Well, I'm going to go back to my black hole. I'll come out of it after few months. I've tried my best to laugh it off. I have failed. So readers please do bear with me. 

Don't judge me on this. I've only made this blog as a space where I can spam my feelings and thoughts. It is where I express every depressing thoughts and emotions I have. I've created this blog for me to read it later on. Not for others.

I'm actually tired of being funny. I've been funny because nobody likes sad and weak people.  Every time I move, I had to be funny or else, I cannot make friends. Well now it has became a habit. Well, fk it.