library;

I haven't slept. I can't really focus that well. Read 75 pages. Not bad for a computer book. I kind of wished I read around 200 pages. However, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to process everything.

I'm getting a lot of contacts from people. I get a bit freaked out, but its a good thing, I guess. I have no idea. I have this irrational fear that people are mad at me. So, when I see notification of Facebook, emails, etc, I get really nervous.

graduate programs;

Doing really well until junior year, then collapsing has its consequences. It looks really bad on graduate school applications. How do you explain personality loss? I mean, its a fair game for everyone. Everyone have problems. However, I can say, I learned a lot. I learned to rest. Being a workaholic is exhausting. You slowly deteriorate until you cannot function properly. Thinking too much of the future has its consequences. There is too much to worry about and prepare. It takes away attention that could be used to study. You have to enjoy what you study. There is only an extent to being hard working. Lastly, never give up on perfection. Enjoy the process of becoming the perfect individual you want to be. Never give up. 

I should also remember how my acceptance is derived from academic success. I have been rejected few societies from moving. I gradually feared rejection. Rejection from society, parents and myself. Academic success was a way to salvage myself.

God, I think I my pill, red bull, and coffee is making me really nervous. 

meetup; yesterday; sauna;

Yesterday I met up with a friend from university. We aren't really close. We went through few misunderstandings, and we had different social groups to hangout with. I was about to contact him, but he contacted me first. It was pretty odd. He contacted me 5 am. I was very amused that both of us were awaked. It made me laugh because he contacted me at 5 am - seriously who the fuck asks someone to hangout at 5 am- and I was awake. Anyways, I bought him dinner, and we went karaoke. 

Today, I went for sauna with dad. 

냉면; Progress;

I had a decent meal yesterday. I was surprised we had such a nice place to eat cold noodles. I chugged my noodles.

I ended up going home. Spent 5 hours sleeping. Woke up at midnight. Took my pill, and started surfing the net. Ate sausages. Messaged a bit. Ate pop corn. My GRE book was opened, but I was going really slowly. There were too many conceptual questions, which isn't really interesting. My friend messaged me at 5 a.m. to have dinner with him. I'm quite surprised. We graduated the same university, but we're not exactly close. We went through a lot of misunderstandings. I'm probably going to buy him food since I do owe him.

Today started off badly. I mean, it was good until I started arguing with my mom. She has too many old beliefs, which are just assumptions. I mean, she told me the food I was eating was the problem. Well, no. The problem was I had too many emotional problems that I was showering excessively and caused my skin to be irritated. We also argued what the proper procedures are in taking care of your skin. Mine was that I should have gone to the doctor as soon as I got to Korea. Hers is that I should have rested and eat properly. I mean she is right about food. Food is important. However, you need to see the doctor to prevent further scaring. Scaring won't go away because I ate nice food.

Well, it was worse on the neck area. After seeing the doctor, most of the pimples disappeared, but I have marks. Honestly, it probably was the money. She probably didn't want to spend any on pimples. Well, I ended working summer and seeing the doctor later. I wish I could have saw the doctor earlier.

I have no idea why she talked about it so often these days. She never cared when I was in that condition. I mean, I don't want to talk about it anyways. I don't know.. theres always goods and bads.

Paper Towns;

I finished the book this morning, watching world cup. It was a good choice. I am really enjoying books that have been quite recently written. My tutor in middle school made me read the classics from prehistoric times. I didn't enjoy most of the books. I didn't understand some. 

Some quotes I liked from the book is 

"A few lines later, it becomes even more clear that Whitman no longer needs to listen to become another: “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels . . . . I myself become the wounded person.”"

““Oh, bullshit. You didn’t come here to make sure I was okay. You came here because you wanted to save poor little Margo from her troubled little self, so that I would be oh-so-thankful to my knight in shining armor that I would strip my clothes off and beg you to ravage my body.”

"“I don’t blame her for wanting attention,” my mom said, and then to me added, “but that doesn’t make her well-being your responsibility.”"

I have to get my meds. 

Grad apps; Rest day;

I sent my app. My gpa is hardly high enough. I'll be surprised if they take into consideration that my grades were 3.5 before the depression. Then, decreased to 3.1. However, to be honest, my GPA is probably not an accurate description of my abilities. I'm not good at programming. I mean I am getting more interested. Gtech's education was too rigorous. I did my other friends homework at another top university. It wasn't as hard, but it was practical in the real world. Another thing is that I should have taken all my theory courses first then started my programming courses. The theory courses really help you think like a programmer or a computer. By thinking like a computer, it is a lot easier to program and know what is going on with the program. 

Anyhow, after the application, I decided to make today my rest day. I went to the mart with my mom. I was going to get a Kraze burger but didn't. I don't know... whenever my parents are around, I hate spending money; they make me guilty for spending money. After I came back, I just slept the whole day. My fatigue, which has been prolonged with coffee shots, Ritalin and red bull, amassed.  After I waking up, I'm reading Paper Towns. I should have finished this book before, but I didn't. It is a modern day adventure book, I think. It mentions University of G, which is a school next to our school. Makes me wonder what it would be like if we never left America when I was young. I mean, back then, we had our green card. Aside from reading, I was watching the World Cup. I only watch like ten minutes of it. Portugal got eliminated, but they were amazing. Wished South Korea plays better today. I mean, we're going to get eliminated, but I just want a good show. 

Its 4 AM in Korea. Once today really starts, I need to get more Ritalin. I have to make the long walk to the subway station. I could penny board there, but the roads have too many holes; I really don't want to destroy my life again. Probably go get some 냉면 tomorrow as well. I'm getting insecure with food. Like growing up, I never knew when I would ever get Korean food again.

I have shit tons to do tomorrow.

working;

You told me I am lovable when you knew it is a lie
You did a charity and explicitly reminded me why.
Left me in such shock that I was mentally paralyzed.
My soul was about to die, because I was never able to open my eyes.
The darkness covered the skies and the sun would never rise.
My soul would barely stay alive inside and demons would always be on stand by.
Helplessness resides and I make voiceless cries.
But, nobody can unveil my happy disguise.

You promised time will heal.
But you sliced off my achilles heels.
Bitch, achilles never healed.
His life ended with a will.
Thank you for letting me know love kills.
Don't worry I made this demonic deal
I just have to eat these pills
whenever I ever I believe you had cherished feels
and my soul will be full of vital will.
My feelings will forever be concealed.

Diploma;

This is the stupid paper that has destroyed my life and yet created a whole new me.

Pipelining;

I've been rereading a bit from my undergrad. I'm in the process of reading about pipelining. Its pretty time consuming. Despite taking Ritalin, I'm going through it very slowly. Ritalin seem to have some side effects. I've been eating a lot less. Doesn't mean I got any slimmer. I'm still fat :P. It just means I don't have craving for food. Ritalin used to make food taste bad that I wouldn't eat. However, this time I just don't have a craving. Another side effect is that I have these small emotional attacks. I get really sentimental for no reason. I need people around me in those moments. I'm fine with having strangers around. I do have problems during the night because I have no access to the presence of people.

Back to pipelining. I'm learning a lot. Since the repercussion, I don't remember much. I didn't even know processors had caches. I mean I knew there was a cache between main memory and a CPU. I didn't expect CPUs to have micro caches inside. It is pretty interesting that they do. It is pretty pathetic that some of the chapters see completely new to me. 

I need to go back to reading. 

I also need to drink more water. I've drank 4 shots of coffee, 1 red bull, 2 gatorade and one sprite. I keep forgetting coffee makes you dehydrated. 

Popbingsu; Little sis; tcks;

I had tiramisu papbingsu. It sounds fancy, but its name was pretty deceptive. It hardly tasted like tiramisu. I’m not a food connoisseur, but the consumption of a tiramisu can be divided into two major parts. The first would be the actual taste perceived through the palate. The second would be the soft texture of the cake. The combination brings joy. The papbingsu, on the other hand, had neither. It tasted more like a coffee smoothie. The texture, since popbingsu is shaved ice, was very rough. The appellation was not pertinent to the contents of the popbingsu. It was expensive. But, I’m not going to see my sister for a while and it was a fitting treat.

My sister left and I stayed at the café. My engineering school broke me pretty badly. It makes me more comfortable being able to blend in with the crowd. So, I didn’t mind how hectic and crowded it was. I read a chapter on computer os. I ended up lending my charger to someone because that person didn’t bring hers. I did leave my bag before using the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom, I saw someone with the same backpack. It made me panic. I use a skateboarding backpack and didn’t expect people to have the same one. I did find my own at the café and I was relieved. I went back before it rained heavily.

Watched the World Cup match between Korea and Algeria. Didn’t expect us to loose. A lot of my friends raged on how bad we played.

Today, my mom and I came to McD for free coffee. I was kind of dumbfounded when my mom told me this morning McD give out free coffee in the morning. My dad gave me a ride and I was really glad – I really didn’t want to walk. Just as a side note, he took the car because he is finally retiring and he needs to start bringing stuff home. I could only visualize movie scenes where people place their belonging in cardboard boxes. Its pretty insane that he reached the end. The only depressing part is that I don’t have a job yet. I can’t to be honest. Being a Korean male has consequences. Not only that being a tck has consequences. Anyways, my mom and I did arrive a McD and got free coffee. Coming here to get free coffee teemed me with thoughts.

I can’t believe we came here for free coffee…

This contributes to my social dysfunction. I can’t waste money on other people anymore. We just came all the way to McD for a dollar worth of coffee… It wouldn’t be fair for my parents. I actually have to safe up for graduate school as well. I think I really want to build a decent future.

Yes and smoking is addicting. I haven't smoked for a while, but there is an urge. Today is really one of those good smoke day.... I wonder if a friend of mine would come over. If he does, I want to head out for hookah. 

Summer;

This actually a photo from before when my mom forced me to climb a mountain to get to the subway station. It is usually not as exhausting, but with few kilograms of books on your back, it is. When I got out of the mountain, I was very happy. I took this photo out of joy. Last time, I got lost and ended up wasting loads of time. Summer this year is amazing in Korea is amazing. Not as humid as last year and not hot as last year.

As for learning, I can't be as productive as I would like to. It is a useless cycle of learning and forgetting. On top of that, there is much more to learn. But, this is the way to fix my life. I need to catch up with everything. On the bright side, I am understanding rather than memorizing. Understanding in engineering is very important. In the past, I didn't care and I would just memorize everything.

 I do have to apply for graduate school tomorrow. I've got two rejections. It is very discouraging. I do not know how to explain I didn't see life after graduation. Its better not to mention anything about psychosis. I'll probably mention how I had physical injury and still went to school. I don't know.... its quite funny how someone I considered unintelligent in high school got into graduate school whereas I can't. Yeah, I guess I'm an asshole. I should be happy for her.

I guess I only have obsession to help me.

coffee; work; soccer; friends;

I didn't have a good sleep yesterday. In fact, I wasn't sleeping. I was attempting to read my tedious networking book. I had trouble reading. Besides being boring, the book was very tortuous. I would have to stop every few pages to visualize everything in my head. It was very easy to get distracted.

I do hate myself for not learning.

Ironically, self hatred prevented me from learning and yet I am increasing my self hatred- self hatred had made me depressed to the point I couldn't study. Since I'm not as depressed, the state of depression can be described as the belief of self-inability. It sounds stupid, but you just believe you can't do anything when you can. Depression in a way is a religious belief. Makes you think in cycles. You just keep repeating different states of thoughts until you arrive at the initial state. In a formula, if A, B, C were states of thought, and let A be the initial state, one would move from A to B to C and back to A. When you reach state C, you realize there is no future in state C. You go back to A. The cycle repeats endlessly. Obviously, you need to break this cycle and demolish that dumb belief of inability. In the end, it was a very interesting experience. Depression itself is like a vaccine. You just have a better understanding of how to get through the next one. As long as I don't get depressed, self hatred should push me and make myself a stronger individual. Ideally, I would like to be stoic. I have a lot of respect for those stoic Asians.

I have loads to learn. I wasted 2 years. Need to catch up in many ways.

I was going to sleep at 4 am, but a friend from JH asked me to help him with his homework. I complied. I only gave him tips because I didn't want to spend more than 2 hours. I can't. I needed to read my networking book, which I haven't. I ended up working until 6am. I slept for 2 hours.

I was woken by my dad shouting GOAL. Yes, Korea did score a goal against Russia. I languishingly moved to the living room to see what was going on. My dad explained we scored a goal. As I made myself comfortable, my dad left the living room to go to work- Korea had a lax schedule for today due to the World Cup. After around 10 minutes, Russia scored a goal. I was quite amused because I could just imagine my dad's face when he arrives to work. I watched the whole game and had breakfast.

Around 11, I left to buy some books. I love going to the Kyobo bookstore, which is one of the few bookstores with foreign books. However, I was very taxed by the walk I had to take from the subway station to Kyobo station. I used to not mind it, but after I traversed the walk many times to fix my laptop last year, I hated the walk. I did mange to get there. I went straight towards the GRE section and grabbed the book I wanted. However, when I got to the counter, it was around 8 dollars more than what I have expected. I ended up forsaking the book and order it online. I did do that, but I still have to pay for it tomorrow.

I took a long walk to a Starbucks near my apartment. Unfortunately, my shoes scraped my food and caused pain. I was planning to exercise this evening, but that is not going to happen. I went to Starbucks, but it was crowded. I just don't like lines, and I'm very impatient. I went up to the third floor and started studying. Studying was very dull. I ended up sleeping for couple of hours in Starbucks. This is my second time sleeping at a cafe. I felt refresh when I woke up. I realized I needed to go get some coffee, because it would be very rude to lurk around the cafe without buying anything. Starbucks literally gave me a cookie! I was happy. I brought it back to my mother. I did eat half of it because I didn't have neither lunch nor dinner. I read quite a bit. It was a good study session.

I went back home. I went to get cake because it was for my dad. We had cake, and I went back into my room.

I did split with quite a handful of friends. It is part of being a tck. You just realize you're no longer relatable and no longer compatible. This is an example.

Basically, he is just telling me to fuck off in Korean. He later sent me more messages on Facebook. He thinks I'm using him and I have no respect for him... I'm pretty sure it was a misunderstanding, but I thought the friendship wasn't worth it. First, he just doesn't understand open mindedness doesn't meant agreeing to everything he said. He thinks being open minded is not following the social norm. Being open minded means you are able to accept different social norms.  So, if you live by the social norm, it doesn't mean you're closed minded as long as you accept other people's social norms. For example, everyone eats cake with a fork and you eat cake with a fork. Then comes his Korean who uses chop sticks to eat cake. As long as you accept that there are different way to eat cake, you can continue on eating with a fork and be open minded. However, once you start condemning the Korean for using chop sticks, then you are closed minded. He also kept talking about how he is different from other Koreans and how he doesn't backstab other people. The thing is he already is by talking about other Koreans. That is backstabbing. He talks about living a dynamic life as an expat while he thinks people who work for big companies are closed minded. Excuse me.... most expats work for big companies.... Very hypocritical.

In the end, I just ignored him. He did say don't contact me on the text. So, I didn't. I just don't understand why he Facebook messaged me. Everything is double standards for him. He can, but I can't.

I wanted to record this because it helps me to never forget that just because you knew someone from the past doesn't mean you are compatible with them in the present. Just don't expect anything. Also, keep meeting people.  People are weird as hell, but eventually you'll find someone normal.

Mudfish soup; 추어탕;

I couldn't sleep for the whole night. I was not productive. I ended up just wasting time here and there. I probably was trying to find some good movies to watch. I didn't watch any in the end. Time goes fast and it was morning. I was exhausted and I was about to head to bed, but a friend contacted me about his homework. It took me quite a while to do it, because I really suck at programming. Well, better than him, I guess. I ended up not sleeping. I ate breakfast. I couldn't stay awake any further. I took a nap. 

I woke up. My grandma called and told us she was visiting. We went to get chuah soup. Not a lot of people like to eat chuah soup. I think people are disgusted with mudfish. I'm kind of disappointed. I didn't even live in Korea for a long time and yet me and my sister are fully accustomed to chuah soup. I see a lot of Koreans who've lived in Korea for their entire life and do not eat chuah soup. 

The visit was very relaxing. I haven't been in the country side for quite a bit. I was too busy hiding in coffee shops and lurking around fast-food chains. The greenery really helped myself calm down. The breeze was just amazing. The sun rays warmed my skin. 

Costco; GopChang;

Even though my mom makes stupid stuff to save money, she does find a lot of cheap food for moi. Stupid stuff such as walking to places when I can take bus, go to horrible libraries to make me spend less on cafes, etc. She does make a lot of dumb decisions. I get so mad after following them. However, this was one of the better choices she suggested. She told me there was cheap gopchang place. I could not afford to eat gopchang previously. Gopchang cost around 20 dollars per portion. I alone can eat around 3 portions, and I would be spending around 60 dollars on a single meal. I can't do that. I ended up forsaking my desire to eat gopchang. Today, I was finally satisfied. I was really happy. 

The place was really cheap. It was 10 dollars per portion. The place was not fancy. I was very simple and slightly bucolic. I honestly didn't care as long as I got my food. The funny part is that they don't serve rice. Yes, an Asian restaurant without rice. 

This is from Costco. Costco is very crowded. I went to get cake. Costco cake is probably bigger than other bakeries for the same price. I ended up leaving without buying anything. I can't do it... 

Rejected;

I've got two rejection letters. I take them as retributions for not working hard enough. I shouldn't have allowed emotional distress leave a permanent dent in my life. Dents are not attractive.

I can't really think of a bright idea to straighten up my life. There are very few options available. I have to keep applying to schools. Read more on computers. Do a lot of GRE problems.

My dad is very disappointed.

Complimented;

I got complimented today. I woke up late because I slept at 5 am. I struggled to do some GRE problems, and I looked through github. I should have had experiences with it, but a lot of times my teammates used dropbox for sharing codes. I really do feel guilty for not trying harder during college. After fiddling with the terminal, I got a message from a friend saying he is somewhere close. I struggled out of my room, since I was still half awake and I needed to get there fast. I left the apartment and reached the cross walk across from the bus stop. Someone shouted my name. I was very bewildered.  I know a lot of people, but I really don’t know a lot of people near me at the same time. I didn’t expect anyone to know me near my apartment.  My confusion was clarified when I saw her face. She was the mother of the kid I tutored last year. I was surprised how glad she was to see me. She asked questions like why I didn’t call her, how long I’ve been here, and how long am I staying here. She said a lot of positive things about how well I taught.

I was really surprised. Apparently, while I was away, the kid’s English grades dropped. She mentioned how she liked how I encouraged reading, writing diaries and doing other activities. I asked her if she tried other resources, because before I left, I have recommended other institutes. She didn’t.  I wish she did. Every person has a unique set of skills. Getting exposed to different individuals accelerates learning.

                                                             

She told me she wants to contact me after exams are over. So, I might be teaching.

Social Rejection;

I need to stop panicking when I receive criticism. I need to accept everything, the good and the bad, with equanimity. Because of social rejections, I have been changing myself for the better. Previously, I have changed my study habits, my personality, my sense of humor, and moral values. I am trying to be really positive about change as much as I can. At times, however, I feel it is an unrealistic belief that I can please everyone. If I were to, I feel I would be a ambiguous mush that has no sense of self individuality and identity. I question a lot of times, if I love myself, this mush. It probably is easier if I didn't care.

"Fuck it."

I have no idea what happened, but I have offended someone, apparently. I thought about why. Nothing came up. First this person tells me, something along the lines of fuck-you-don't-contact-me via text. Then, he messages me on Facebook with threats. I didn't reply because he asked me to not contact him. I'm not sure if he wants me to reply or not. I don't understand. Tell me to not contact him and he keeps contacting me. This is such an obvious double standard. I shouldn't contact him, but he has the rights to.  

Going back to pretending everyone is dead. I need to blackout everything. Life is so much easier this way. I really need to focus on my career anyways. I kind of want to be successful. 

At the moment, my remedial solution is to talk to someone who knows me and lived with me if I am not a bad person. I mean I have flaws and I need to know. I asked and I got a lot of sympathy. It made me happy. I think it was something I have been looking for all my life. I wanted acceptance. My friend told me. 

yeaaa you keep to yourself too much

then you suddenly get close to other people randomly and go away~~~

well i understand why though cause you move too much

He started off with telling me I don't have any bad intentions. He talked about how I don't stay with people. It is very true. I meet random people and fade away. Go into isolation. Its how I cope with attachments. He understands though. It made me feel a lot better. He lived with me for four years. He knows me a lot better than most people. It made me happy. I'm really thankful. 

Alice Eve;

I can relate a lot with her. Maybe she is right. It is easier to blend in.

Success; Luck;

I feel asleep even though I was not suppose to. My back ended up hurting too much for me to stay seated. I placed myself in bed without realizing. The doctor suggested me to take double amount of Ritalin if I felt lethargic. I did, but I ended up sleeping. I guess its an unrealistic expectation to remove sleep from my life. 

After waking up at 5AM, I've glanced through my Facebook posts. I have this ritual when I turn on a computer. Go through all the sites before doing work. I just procrastinate at one go, but I still do end up procrastinating. I ended up seeing this very interesting video of a Princeton graduation ceremony speech. It was about luck and success; how luck brings success. I agree. His main focus was that people should be selfless and give back to society. It was a very different way to ask people to be more selfless. 

Voting; denizenmag;

I voted today. It was interesting. I'm 24 and its my first time voting. I wasn't in Korea when elections happen so I never got to. My dad told me today I should go vote with him. I told him I didn't want to. He urged me to because carelessness might result in unwanted consequences. I do agree with his view. I persuaded him that this is a democratic country and I wanted to exercise my free will not to vote. Yes, I do understand some readers will get angry at myself for proclaiming my beliefs. Not voting has a lot of negativity involved. People see not voting as being rebellious, irresponsible and giving up my choices. After my dad asked me to vote, I thought for a moment. I honestly don't know much about the candidates. I lack the knowledge to make the correct decision for our country. My dad explained Korean politics and I've started to realize I was scared. As someone who have been picked on for irrational reasons, I was scared that voting would cause problems. Like if I do vote, people are going to castigate me for voting, telling me I didn't live in Korea long enough to understand what is good for Korea. If I don't vote, people are going to criticize me for not being part of Korea. Most people would see this as a unreasonable worrying, but to me its real. It terrorizes me at times. I need to let this go, but I can't. I have no idea how. Every time I see to be able to, someone comes in and reminds me of such unwanted memories.

 In the end, I did go vote, but I only voted on things I know. I think its a healthy practice. I can justify my reasons for my selections. I really don't want to not be able to justify my selections. Well, I got that over with. 

After I bought my family lunch. We had Chinese. More like Korean Chinese because Chinese food have been altered so much that it is extremely different. It was pretty decent. My mom and dad went back home. I told my parents I'll stay at starbucks. Its my favorite branch. It is pretty far. Its like a 30 minute walk, but the Chinese restaurant was next to it. My mom didn't say anything because we argued yesterday. I went to see a friend yesterday. She expected that I spent a lot of money. So, as soon as I arrived home, she yelled at me and accused me of spending a lot. I mean it was not unreasonable. I was out the whole day. The more time you spend outside is commensurate to the amount of money you spend. My mom doesn't realize I care a lot about other people, especially my parents. 

Yesterday, I walked to meet my friend. I also walked back. So, I didn't spend anything on transportation. My friend bought me food because he owed me way back. I bought myself coffee. Coffee cost 3 dollars 90 cents in Korea. I use a tumbler so I get a 30 cent discount. So, I spent 3 dollars and 60 cents for the whole day. Its not too bad. I spend a lot more if I were to go drinking with people. I rarely do. 

Mom apologized because she assumes too much things. Her assumptions are quite funny at times. Like last time it snowed, she thought I was hanging out with a girl. Because in movies, when it snows, guys and girls hang out. Live the romantic life. In reality, I went to the mart because I was hungry and they have discounts at night. I destroyed her expectations when I came home with a bucket of cheap chicken. I guess she didn't nag today because of yesterday. 

Today my friend also sent me this link. http://www.denizenmag.com. Its about tcks around the world. I seems pretty common for tcks too look for connections. I probably will read it later when I have more time.