Social Rejection;

I need to stop panicking when I receive criticism. I need to accept everything, the good and the bad, with equanimity. Because of social rejections, I have been changing myself for the better. Previously, I have changed my study habits, my personality, my sense of humor, and moral values. I am trying to be really positive about change as much as I can. At times, however, I feel it is an unrealistic belief that I can please everyone. If I were to, I feel I would be a ambiguous mush that has no sense of self individuality and identity. I question a lot of times, if I love myself, this mush. It probably is easier if I didn't care.

"Fuck it."

I have no idea what happened, but I have offended someone, apparently. I thought about why. Nothing came up. First this person tells me, something along the lines of fuck-you-don't-contact-me via text. Then, he messages me on Facebook with threats. I didn't reply because he asked me to not contact him. I'm not sure if he wants me to reply or not. I don't understand. Tell me to not contact him and he keeps contacting me. This is such an obvious double standard. I shouldn't contact him, but he has the rights to.  

Going back to pretending everyone is dead. I need to blackout everything. Life is so much easier this way. I really need to focus on my career anyways. I kind of want to be successful. 

At the moment, my remedial solution is to talk to someone who knows me and lived with me if I am not a bad person. I mean I have flaws and I need to know. I asked and I got a lot of sympathy. It made me happy. I think it was something I have been looking for all my life. I wanted acceptance. My friend told me. 

yeaaa you keep to yourself too much

then you suddenly get close to other people randomly and go away~~~

well i understand why though cause you move too much

He started off with telling me I don't have any bad intentions. He talked about how I don't stay with people. It is very true. I meet random people and fade away. Go into isolation. Its how I cope with attachments. He understands though. It made me feel a lot better. He lived with me for four years. He knows me a lot better than most people. It made me happy. I'm really thankful.