I didn't have a good sleep yesterday. In fact, I wasn't sleeping. I was attempting to read my tedious networking book. I had trouble reading. Besides being boring, the book was very tortuous. I would have to stop every few pages to visualize everything in my head. It was very easy to get distracted.
I do hate myself for not learning.
Ironically, self hatred prevented me from learning and yet I am increasing my self hatred- self hatred had made me depressed to the point I couldn't study. Since I'm not as depressed, the state of depression can be described as the belief of self-inability. It sounds stupid, but you just believe you can't do anything when you can. Depression in a way is a religious belief. Makes you think in cycles. You just keep repeating different states of thoughts until you arrive at the initial state. In a formula, if A, B, C were states of thought, and let A be the initial state, one would move from A to B to C and back to A. When you reach state C, you realize there is no future in state C. You go back to A. The cycle repeats endlessly. Obviously, you need to break this cycle and demolish that dumb belief of inability. In the end, it was a very interesting experience. Depression itself is like a vaccine. You just have a better understanding of how to get through the next one. As long as I don't get depressed, self hatred should push me and make myself a stronger individual. Ideally, I would like to be stoic. I have a lot of respect for those stoic Asians.
I have loads to learn. I wasted 2 years. Need to catch up in many ways.
I was going to sleep at 4 am, but a friend from JH asked me to help him with his homework. I complied. I only gave him tips because I didn't want to spend more than 2 hours. I can't. I needed to read my networking book, which I haven't. I ended up working until 6am. I slept for 2 hours.
I was woken by my dad shouting GOAL. Yes, Korea did score a goal against Russia. I languishingly moved to the living room to see what was going on. My dad explained we scored a goal. As I made myself comfortable, my dad left the living room to go to work- Korea had a lax schedule for today due to the World Cup. After around 10 minutes, Russia scored a goal. I was quite amused because I could just imagine my dad's face when he arrives to work. I watched the whole game and had breakfast.
Around 11, I left to buy some books. I love going to the Kyobo bookstore, which is one of the few bookstores with foreign books. However, I was very taxed by the walk I had to take from the subway station to Kyobo station. I used to not mind it, but after I traversed the walk many times to fix my laptop last year, I hated the walk. I did mange to get there. I went straight towards the GRE section and grabbed the book I wanted. However, when I got to the counter, it was around 8 dollars more than what I have expected. I ended up forsaking the book and order it online. I did do that, but I still have to pay for it tomorrow.
I took a long walk to a Starbucks near my apartment. Unfortunately, my shoes scraped my food and caused pain. I was planning to exercise this evening, but that is not going to happen. I went to Starbucks, but it was crowded. I just don't like lines, and I'm very impatient. I went up to the third floor and started studying. Studying was very dull. I ended up sleeping for couple of hours in Starbucks. This is my second time sleeping at a cafe. I felt refresh when I woke up. I realized I needed to go get some coffee, because it would be very rude to lurk around the cafe without buying anything. Starbucks literally gave me a cookie! I was happy. I brought it back to my mother. I did eat half of it because I didn't have neither lunch nor dinner. I read quite a bit. It was a good study session.
I went back home. I went to get cake because it was for my dad. We had cake, and I went back into my room.
I did split with quite a handful of friends. It is part of being a tck. You just realize you're no longer relatable and no longer compatible. This is an example.
Basically, he is just telling me to fuck off in Korean. He later sent me more messages on Facebook. He thinks I'm using him and I have no respect for him... I'm pretty sure it was a misunderstanding, but I thought the friendship wasn't worth it. First, he just doesn't understand open mindedness doesn't meant agreeing to everything he said. He thinks being open minded is not following the social norm. Being open minded means you are able to accept different social norms. So, if you live by the social norm, it doesn't mean you're closed minded as long as you accept other people's social norms. For example, everyone eats cake with a fork and you eat cake with a fork. Then comes his Korean who uses chop sticks to eat cake. As long as you accept that there are different way to eat cake, you can continue on eating with a fork and be open minded. However, once you start condemning the Korean for using chop sticks, then you are closed minded. He also kept talking about how he is different from other Koreans and how he doesn't backstab other people. The thing is he already is by talking about other Koreans. That is backstabbing. He talks about living a dynamic life as an expat while he thinks people who work for big companies are closed minded. Excuse me.... most expats work for big companies.... Very hypocritical.
In the end, I just ignored him. He did say don't contact me on the text. So, I didn't. I just don't understand why he Facebook messaged me. Everything is double standards for him. He can, but I can't.
I wanted to record this because it helps me to never forget that just because you knew someone from the past doesn't mean you are compatible with them in the present. Just don't expect anything. Also, keep meeting people. People are weird as hell, but eventually you'll find someone normal.
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