Pessimism

As a expat kid, it seems nearly impossible to fall in love. Even before I learned to read, I naturally started creating a wall around me. To protect myself as I didn't want to get hurt every single time I moved. So eventually, saying Good bye became easy. But, the barrier became too thick as more people made it thicker. My parents were pretty much the ones who made it even worst. So, with this thick barrier, I can't fall in love. Well, first of all, my belief in falling in love is lust. How can you see someone and realize this person is the one? WTF you don't even know anything about her or him. You just know that he or she is nice to you and she or he looks nice. You don't know anything about her or his insides. How messed up or broke she or he is. Its about how much happier he or she will make. But then, what about when it comes to stressful situations? Such as lack of money, death or etc. These do happen. Life is long. Its not short. Life is short is some bullshit spoiled people came up with. You're suppose to survive each day. Shit happens. Your significant other will not provide you with this happiness. There is no point in this relationship because you engaged in this relationship to make yourself happy. So, you do you stay or leave? Most people would choose to leave. End it. It make sense. I don't understand how these relationships work. I mean possibly you can just make it so that the point where there is no hardship. But, it happens. Its why I keep telling people be thankful for the people you love. They might disappear the next day. You keep being an optimist and never think about it.

I'm a hardcore pessimist. The girl I asked out was an optimist. "Life is short, be happy" is what she told me. Well, she was one of the most depressing girl, I've ever met. Dumped 5 times and while I was with her she got dumped the 6th time. She became alcoholic. So much for optimism. Optimism is where you realize he wasn't the right one and move on. Find few negative things about yourself, maybe improve and then move on. Not become alcoholic. Focus on being yourself. Well, definitely not spoiled. Most people would think I'm spoiled. I'll say to a certain degree yes. But, I'll say no in many cases. We just got our smart phones because we were embarrassed. I did few impulsive purchase of clothes, headphones and etc. I never used to buy clothes. I don't know I didn't care what other people think of me. I really like fashion but I wanted to buy clothes after I get a stable job. So, I don't waste my parents money. We don't even own a car, sofa, air conditioning. We just have a lot of books. Our house looks like shit in the inside. We have so many boxes because we keep moving. As for vacations, we don't have any. We stopped having these things called family vacations after high school started. I think its because my parents have been very poor before so they don't want to go back. So, we keep saving. I realized my parents are so pessimistic about living that any living standards good.

It kind of make sense. Everyday is a decent day because I imagined it worst. No matter how  many misfortunes happen. I guess I imagine everyday a end of the world. But, as a pessimist, life is very depressing. You're imagination takes control over it. Your brain hurts a lot.

Idk I"m only 21 and I have trust issues. I wonder what I;m like at 30.

But seriously, I need to take my dads job so I can move out of my parents house. WTF. When you have parents that discourages everything you do. Every single thing, then what am I suppose to do? The only reason I quit piano was because my mom told me to quit. I almost quit college because my mom told me to. What the fk. I should quit life. I have to keep believing in myself. I am my own source of self confidence. Life sucks when you can't trust anyone. Not a single being. I just wish my parents would just let me make some decisions.

The good thing is my personality did become better except for the part about being pessimistic. Idk. I guess I'll just marry a pessimist and do society a favor. Or stay single as long as possible.

I think I hate society in general. Idk. The poorer, the uglier, the weaker you are, more people treat you like shit. The richer you are, everybody pleases you.

The problem with dating is that we're only enjoying ourselves. I mean I could have fun with anyone. The problem is how do you know they'll remain if you're weak?

50% of the married people divorce. 25% of the population remains single. So thats 75% of people living alone. So only 25% of the people find true love.

fml. I hate being the minority in society. Its always a disadvantage. No matter how right you are. You are attacked by the majority for not being like them. Especially when you're Korean on the outside but international in the inside. They just assume your the same as them. Don't bother understanding. When they think we had a perfect life traveling around the world. Not thinking about how much we had to sacrifice. My head hurts.

I should have just jumped off the bridge that time. Its probably why I'm selfless. I probably killed myself in the inside. So nothing hurts. Idk. It was peaceful. No happiness, but nothing hurt. Until these days, i've realized I'm alive. fml.

I guess I'll have to kill myself few more times.

I think I'll prepare for fighting off zombies. The process if un-spoiling myself is hard.