Over

I think my depression is semi over. No, I'll be honest. I can't get over it. I don't know. It seems the sense of not being able to protect hurts more than getting rejected. The reason I'm so protective is because society is a world full of assholes. Everyone pretends to be nice. Hide their true faces. When it comes to self interests, nobody is willing to sacrifice. As a nice person its really easy to find people's true faces. I mean you have to be nice in order to find nice people. You see who is willing to use you, not use you, or return the love. Even better, they are willing to give you love without expecting anything in return. From my experience most people are willing to use you. I just avoid them after my few encounters with those people. I don't know, I like to associate myself with nice people even though it means I'll be with boring people. However, people willing to self sacrifice is hard to find. One of the reason why I am self sacrificing is because at one point of my life, I was deciding whether I should live or not. It hurts a lot when everyone hates you for being you. Being yourself. Everyone quotes how you should always be yourself. Well, everyone hated me for being myself. Even my parents hated me for being myself. So, I was hated by everyone in the school and my parents. I'm not over-generalizing. Korean bullying is pretty intense. They destroy everything. Everything you own. Hurt you physically and mentally. If you stand up for yourself, expect going against ten people or so. Telling your teacher or parentes? Not an opinion. You are looked down even worst than trash if you tell your parents or teacher. I know because someone did it. He was pretty retarded. His life didn't end well. I mean I could have joined the oppressors, but it was really not my thing. Experiencing how cruel humans are, it is why I am over protective, especially with friends. I don't know why I decided to live. There were few reasons. I realized, even if I died nobody will care. The physical pain is too much. I don't know. I felt for killing myself. I would rather someone else do it for me.

That is why I care about others, I want them to realize I care. So, they don't have to decide for themselves if they should live or not.

And being over protective is because I don't want people to experience bullying in society. Its best to avoid people that smells trouble. But, stupid people don't realize this. Especially the ones who don't understand what being street smart is. FK THEM. They are so proud of themselves being street smart and they go get fucked. Fking retards. Always associate yourself with nice people even if they are boring.

I'll tell you a secret. The difference between a true rich person and poor person is the mentality. The mentality of giving back to society defines a rich person, not his wealth.

Few months ago, someone who wore baggy dirty clothes paid for my subway exit because my card didn't have enough credit and I was stuck inside. To me he was the richest person in the world. The money he spent on me probably was his lunch money, but he did it anyways, expecting nothing in return. I still can't forget. I'll always remember him even though I don't know his name. I'll keep being myself and give. Maybe if I keep giving, some people would give to others and maybe it would be like a disease of giving.

I guess I'm pretty weird since my life goal its to become God.

I wish people stop being depressed. Most of them don't realize the value of a caring friend. Every other person in Korea, is so jealous. Actually very jealous. lol. I wonder why I'm so loyal. I mean I don't benefit from friends anyways. I don't know.. maybe I'm appreciating them as people?

I've also realized few things about me. I am forced to love people when they are weak. I'm attracted to weakness. Its not like I'm taking advantage of the situation. I don't know, after someone shows weakness I seem to unconditionally love them. I didn't realize this but after few months of introspection I found a pattern.

I don't know what am I? Why do I care about depressed people. Why do I unconditionally love weak people. Even if these people would never return the love and care?

I hate weak people. I can't hate them no matter how much my mind tells me to hate them. Even though I was completely destroyed, I ended up taking care of them. fml. fking humans. I hate humans. I'm going to disappear from society away from humans.


I mean I have to. I think I've decided to join the marines. Apparently, the marines the hardest military course in Korea. Basically it would be hell. I think I'll join. I want to test my mentality. Bullying, engineering, and marines. Just one more hell left. Man, why do I always suffer. It seems there is always easier ways of doing things, but I always pick the hardest one lol wtf.

Life is weird.

I wish I had a job and a stable relationship. Life would be perfect.


I don't understand. I'm making a video for this person. Another one of those givings. Why am I so excited? I feel so happy. I don't understand. Why does giving make me so happy? I don't know when I think of the smiles on people's faces, it seems to make me happy. I don't know its weird. Well, I got pissed off this time. I'm increasing the scale of the video. Usually I just make short videos because it would cost time and money. This time I'm investing a lot. This way I'll be able to make as many people laugh.

I'll over do it.

Kill everyone at one go. Doing small good deeds aren't helping. Use media to make it a huge good deed.


I'm going to make this single person smile no matter what. I'm not going to experience the failure to make someone smile. It will be the greatest challenge. If I can make this person laugh, I'll be able to cheer up anyone.

Challenge accepted.

Sorry my blog is weird. My mind is crazy at the moment. I'm having a hard time being serious. Being serious brings back all the pain.

Btw i don't hate myself. I only hate my stupidity. But then again my creativity is insane. Like, thinking out of the box is too great I have to limit myself or else I'll come with solutions that is not possible in reality.

Idk...

Its weird. There always have been things I wanted to do, but my parents didn't listen. I'm kind of stuck with this route in life. I've realized I can put the other stuff as side projects.