I wonder how much sugar I have to eat to be happy. I don't understand. This depression isn't going away. I think its because I've came to a realization I'm alive. I've been playing dead these past years. Then, someone reminds you that you are alive. Its impossible for me to be happy. All the pain from past few years come back and haunt you every single day. I question myself why I'm still alive. Dwelling in the past is bad but most people suicide in Korea if they experienced what I've been through. I'm not suppose to be alive. lol. Its kind of the reason why I'm nice to people. Compared to the people from the past, everyone is nicer. But, over protective because I don't want anyone to suffer the pain I've been through.
I have too much empathy. I actually care about other people. I also care too much about how other people think. So, with these two mentality, its hard to achieve happiness. I think it was better when I played dead. I could never be happy but nothing hurt.
Happy people don't care what other people think. They are selfish.
Why is it lasting this long. fml. My brain hurts so much. I can't hide it anymore. Its impossible. The fake personality I've created to conceal my true self is gone. Or harder to find. I'm pretty much dead. Maybe this is why I'm a bit crazy than normal people.
One good thing about myself is I'm good at playing with emotions. Happiness or sadness. I can make people laugh and cry at the same time. Its dangerous as well. You can harm people from the inside. That is why I prefer not to harm others. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. Of course it always leads to self harm.
I wish I could just fit in and be normal. Why am I so irrational? different?
Whatever, I'm just going to go to the hardest military camp in Korea. If you can't harm others, you kind of have to prove that you can harm them, its just that you choose not to. Most people in this world are people pleasers. They'll be only be nice to people they find stronger than they are. Most people don't realize this because they never been at the bottom of society.
A girl told me she'll date me after I come out of the military... wtf.. Sorry I don't date selfish people. Love is about trust. Complete trust and sacrifices. I don't see people as people. More like devils. The inability to wait for my military service to finish shows how she'll untrustworthy. I don't understand. I guess its because I don't base love on lust. Why would I fall in love? When nobody cares about trust?
Man If I was a girl, I'll probably go out with that beger that did a selfless act. Hes so nice. He is my new role model. I'm going to use him on every paper I write about selfless person. I love him.
Hi WonTaek..may I know what is it exactly that you've been worrying of? I looked back to your previous posts and I found that there were issues like trust, parents, self identity and your purpose in life. Do you have someone to talk about these?
ReplyDeleteI know sometimes we can't easily talk to our parents. They may think that none of these are important, or probably they will scold us instead, because of our 'confession'.
I hope you have someone you trust enough to share about this. Sometimes it just feels so ironic that we trust blog more than human being, isn't it? (hehehe, I do too sometimes..;P)
lol its better not to trust people. I don't know I'll go see a psychiatrist this winter. I don't know people can't relate to each other unless they have been through similar pain. Everyone thinks their pain is worst off than other people's pain . Its hard to relate to especially my life style is so unique.
DeleteI'm actually not trusting my blog. Trust is something I'll die for. Its just that I use this as a diary, record of my life and thought process so that one day I can revisit. I'm just letting people read it. Don't worry though. I've found someone who I can relate to.
Someone that is not normal and can't fit into society.
I wish you luck on your job finding!