I did not know how to respond. I listen to people a lot. Especially when the people I care about say to do something its hard to say no. Its just that I would regret if I don't follow their orders. I guess I'm completely on a leash. When the girl I cared about said to care about myself I did not know what to do. I guess I did follow her order. The problem was the way to protect myself was to not care about myself. I mean I am a being with absolutely no attachments even with my parents. Humans are social animals, destroying attachments makes it harder to function as a human being. Nor I am part of any specific society. So that night, I almost died. The negativity that I have concealed for years came out.
I feel a lot better now.
I kind of understand why I don't care about academics, career and etc. Since I don't care about myself there is no motivation to do well. I just do enough to get through.
But recently I've realized the power of being selfless. You can always find justifications to do well. Like I've started playing the guitar. The main purpose of playing the guitar was to cheer up people. Since I am doing this for others, I've had motivation to play. Another example is asking a girl out. I've realized if I think it in a way that it would benefit the girl, then I can ask her out. I mean I'm not shy. Most of the time I feel there is no benefit for the girl to go out with me. As for studying, I've decided to make it an escape route. In order to escape this world, I'll go study.
Well, I really don't care about myself. I mean since I don't belong anywhere. How am I better than a corpse? Just keep laughing at life lol.
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