Maybe I'm going through on of those trials God love to give.

So, I broke my heart, broke my jaw, lost couple of friends, was about to recover, got a flu. lol WTF This semester is so horrible for me. Its been a while since I had suicidal thoughts.

This is suppose to make me stronger, but it just reminds me how I'm back to where I was. The reason for living seriously was I thought if I became a better person in general, I won't end up like the time I was so alone. Well, completely alone. I've realized the end results always the same. I'm completely alone no matter what. This is why I don't like God. He does things to me just to prove a point I'm in his control. I wonder why he always wants to control me. I mean I'm just a weird person living in Earth. I mean go control some more significant person.

I mean I like my life if you let me do things I want to do. There aren't much that I want to do, but just let me be. I mean what did I ever do to you? WTF. All I did was fking help people. I converted all those anti social kids in school to be social. I made all those shy people to be less shy. I made those friendless into friends. I protected the ones I could. I gave to depressed people. I don't understand.

Although the idea may, at its inception, seem completely counter-intuitive, the truth is that when we concentrate and focus upon giving to others, the pain of our suffering begins to weaken before disappearing completely.

From http://www.daveursillo.com/how-to-alleviate-emotional-pain-and-suffering/

This is probably what I was doing. The pain I've suffered is so much that I would focus on other people's pain so that mine would disappear.  Well, I can't do that anymore because I'm too depressed. I'm going to drink my ass off, after this essay is done.