Yeah it still hurts.

I really don't care what others say about me. I don't care how many people call me retarded.  I don't care how many people call me I'm fked up. Or how many people tell me I cannot do things. I don't care. They have no rights to tell me I cannot do things. Because I know I can. I had so many people call me shit but it didn't hurt.

But, I think the problem is when those who you love tell you things, it does hurt. Because they're right. Whatever they say, everything they say is right. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But they are right. I cannot deny them. When they do say something, I just end up apologizing. I'm sorry for who I am and I'm sorry for being me. I wanted to do what I want and I'm not what you expected. I'm sorry. I'm just never good enough. I mean I know you're doing this because you care. But, why can't you understand I'm already doing my best. I tried very hard. I mean why do you expect so much?

Then again why can't you support me?  You never believed in me once. All you believed in me is to do something that I didn't even care about. Not a single bit. I forced myself to do things.

I do admit I'm very sad at the moment. I've tried to cover up my sadness up until now. Because nobody likes sad people. They just think sad people are weak and sad people are ignored. To express my sadness means I'll be alienating a lot of people. I think I've already have. But, I'm suppose to be happy after a while, but why do tears fall. Why do people cry? When crying doesn't solve anything? Well I don't even have anything physical to help me. Its just me in this world.

I know what I need to do, but my body does not listen. Nor does my mind. I'm so distracted. Focusing is hard. I've always had focusing problems, but I used to force myself to do things. But, in order to force myself I always had to believe I had no emotions. Because, I hate being forced. I cannot complain, or again you'll tell me to quit. Why can't you tell me just keep going and I can do it instead of telling me to quit? Can you not see why I'm so sad.

I wish God would just kill me already. I've been praying for years now. Every time I have a struggle, I'm alone. Thats why I hate you God. You always put me into this spot where I'm alone.

I've been combating my negativity with insanity. Where I would pretend to be insane, but there are times I have to be sane. When I do have to be sane, I realize I'm just too vulnerable.

People ask me why I cannot focus. Well, I don't know when I'm moving. I don't know when I'll be bullied again. I don't know when death will happen to the little sense of belonging I have. I am completely alone. No real stable relationships. Restlessness would be normal in my case. Really I studied SAT while playing computer games. It was the only way I would be able to focus. I normally cannot sit on a desk for 5 minute. So, I would put a game on so that I would be able to sit down and study.

I've talked to few Koreans like myself. I asked do you see the world positively? They responded how can you see the world positively? We were conditioned to be this way.

Others will see us as spoiled brats who travel a lot. Well, thats because you do not understand the side effects. My sister told me, people tell her that she is fun and friendly. However, she never was able to fit into a social group. Make close friends. Its the same with me. I make friends at an instant. However, none are close. There is no such thing as interpersonal connections. It seems though my sister has a sense of security. I had to question myself why she was different from myself. The only difference is that she had someone who understands her which was her. I on the other hand did not use my sister as person that understands me. Because to me, I was too embarrassed to  tell me sister my problems. I mean I was her older brother. I cannot show her how weak I am.

Until lately, I had shown her my instability. I feel so sorry that I am an incapable brother who is always strong. I guess too many things happened too sudden. I already knew the bubble was going to burst. I was always scared it would happen. I guess finally I guess it happened and I get to face my fears.

The fears are too great but I understand. However, understanding does not seem to help me. I really don't know how to break the cycle.

I thought dancing would help but not really. It only resolves my issue temporarily.