doodling about everything

I have been thinking a lot on love and being selfless. plus about society.

I know I have to luxury to think about love. Thinking does really kill my time, but it really lets me look more into things. It also makes me very depressed because I think too much. Well, I realized true love is when you want to protect each other. Parents will give everything because they want to protect. The current society is blinked by wealth, looks and etc. I mean true love is hard. When it comes to marriage, people look at every aspect of their opponent. People even use one another.

I guess when you decide to protect something, it really means you love that person very much.

Also being selfless. I'm a selfless person. I care about others more than myself. haha interestingly, I thought everyone was selfless. I guess there is a lot of reasons behind this. Well, I was brainwashed by fairy tales. I always had a strong sense of right and wrong. (well except for copying homework). Apparently, most fairy tales consider the selfless person the good guy. haha Jesus was selfless. To me at least, most selfless people seem miserable. The main character always sacrifice themselves for others. Even if it means their death. Actually, that is my ideal death, saving someone in return for mine. I guess thats why most people tell me I'm like a kid. I still believe in a moral society. haha Well, my dad too. But, he stopped believing in a moral society. I guess its because after he nearly died, he realized nothing really matters. Being good doesn't help him after he dies. Another reason I'm so selfless is because I want to give my best for every person. I kind of realized this after my dad almost died. I should do my best for people, because once they die, I'll regret not doing my best for them. Thats why I try so hard. But, I can't help and that makes me more depressed. Finally, I've always considered myself as a living dead person. Its one way of coping with psychological stress. I've been under appreciated by a lot of people. Treated like a dog. As a dead person, you don't really care about yourself that much., As long as you don't remember to care about yourself, it doesn't hurt that much physically and mentally. But then again the problem is when you realize you care about yourself, it hurts a lot. Well, being one of the few selfless person is really annoys me.

I don't know what I want. I think I want some selfless other. Because she probably would be miserable as I am.

Well, despite being very depressed. I am apparently very sociable and outgoing. I am able to make friends with anyone I want. Basically, I can be friends with whomever I want.

Another thought about society. Remember I bought a dr dre headphone? Well it shows how dumb society is. So, I got the most expensive version of the headphones. I do this when I'm pissed at something or someone. Because most of the time, I'm just cosplaying poor people. The reason is simple, my parents want me to understand how it is to be poor. As a result I've gained low self esteem. But anyways back to the story. As soon as I start wearing my headphones everywhere, everyone acts differently. lol. funny right? Strangers nod at me because they love my headphones. Little kids point fingers because they ask their moms to buy them the headphones. Really, you do get better treatment, if you prove your wealthy. It proves how pathetic the world is. Looks, wealth, really do matter.