Brain;

I had to cram for an exam today. I had tons of things to do that I didn't have time to study. So, I have to do an all nighter tonight. My brain hurts like hell. I think it is because I have been eating only stimulating food.

productivity;

I just can't seem to be as productive as I want to be. I am such a failure.

yeah wtf;

I don't know why I'm so demotivated. Honestly, I have so much crap to do. I shouldn't be wasting time like this.

Fitting in;

Yeah. I can't fit in anywhere.  Life is weird. I ended up spending the whole night in the library, but I couldn't focus that well. I decided to take a break and I'm using that time to write this blog. About not fitting in, yeah, I can't. Maybe being depressed is normal.

Much;

I fell asleep in the lab from 10 to 12pm. It was friday so everyone left. I stayed up until 5 am. It was pretty relaxing actually. Today, I had to go to see a doctor because I've been having back pains. I guess I'll get a hair cut and then head back to the lab.

Life;

I've been very busy with my studies. I barely had time to watch drama- I'm watching Big Bang Theory. I'm kind of getting competitive with my studies because I want to make up for being a failure in college. Besides, the university provides me with everything to become the best. This is probably the best environment that one could ever wish for. It is different from the research labs at Georgia Tech, but I do get a lot of support. I have a 24 inch and a 27 inch monitor, my computer is really expensive, I got another laptop, unlimited supply of stationary, and a cloud computing server.

I did have to buy my own keyboard. I saved enough to finally buy the apple keyboard. I should have bought logictech, but I'll give apple another go.

new dorm; new semester;

A month ago, I was assigned a new dorm. The former dorm was a single room with a bathroom, but I had to share it with a roommate. I had a horrible roommate. The culture of having a roommate in Korea is very different from the states. Roommates barely talk to each other in Korea, whereas roommates are intimate. My roommate snored and smoked. I got to escape the hellish uncomfortable room and got assigned to a single dorm. I hope I perform better in my academic achievements this semester. School starts tomorrow. I'm not that excited because I'm not really fond of school. 

During the summer, I was suppose to work out, but I didn't. I was too busy with my studies for the qualifying exam for PhD. I actually am not getting a PhD here. I just took the test because I was bored. There is four tests, and I only took one because I had to do lab work and couldn't afford the time to do the rest. I passed one, and now I have three left. I'm probably going to take algorithms for the next test because of my ego to be good at algorithms. 

Sleep;

I had a 7 hours of sleep, and I feel amazing.

Decisions;

I can't decide if I should take the effort to tutor a colleague for free. He is from Pakistan, and sometimes he is pisses me off. In our school, there is a test composed of four subjects. You have to pass all of them to get a PhD. This guy who was suppose to be a PhD applicant failed all four of them. I only took one for fun and passed. Took it for fun means I was watching television shows and playing games while studying for the test. I only took one because I'm a masters student, and I didn't want to bother with PhD. So, when we got our results, this guy was mad depressed. I mean he gets kicked out of the program if he fails the next time. To be honest, he isn't the most noble and diligent person I know- actually he slacks a lot and it is hard to imagine this person is a PhD student. Well, at least for the test, he did study hard for it. I did feel bad and told him that I'll tutor him. I should have just ignored him, but I thought it was a good opportunity for myself to study computers. I don't even know if I want him to be in the lab. I think I'll just go with the flow and if he pisses me off, I'm done with him. 

I actually have loads to do. 

Spoiled Sour Cream

My mom left so spoiled sour cream on the fridge. I didn't realize it until I've added the sour cream onto the cheese of the potato I was going to eat. On the sour cream, I've added crushed bacon, and some greens. On the second bite of my potato, I knew it was spoiled. I rushed to the fridge to check the expiration date, and it was already a month since it expired. I kind of hesitated. I didn't know if I should continue eating. I mean, I really like the crushed bacon. I ended up eating all of it so I'll probably be sick tomorrow, and I probably will regret eating it. I wish my mom stopped keeping spoiled food in the fridge. I know everything was bought with money, but spoiled food isn't going to benefit anyone.

Depression;

I'm having a difficult time to write. I open up a new sheet of paper or I create a new blog post, but I'm never able to finish writing a complete diary post.. I'm kind of brain dead. I just don't know what I am feeling or what my insides are saying. Well, for sure, I'm depressed and suicidal. I have no idea why I quixotic ideas of death or such frequent thoughts of death. Logically, I know death isn't the answer to anything. Aside from fighting of idiotic suicidal thoughts, I've restricted myself from smoking. I really want a puff, but I've been discounting the urges. I've been also reducing my intake of Ritalin. It is winter break, and I don't have to do anything that is on record. However, I do have to come to the research lab. 

I'm not making much money these days. I only tutor research lab members, and I gave them big discounts. I'm only doing it because I have no alternative way of making money. But, I'm at a point where everything counts. Additionally, I have a hard time reducing my expenditure. I eat a lot more than normal people. 

I'm reading Chain Reaction. It is pretty interesting. I never had time to read books while I was in an engineering school. These kind of moments make me wished I never went to an engineering school. Life would have been very different. 

Birthday;

I didn't have time to blog on the day I was born. I was working on some stuff. I need to spend more time on programming. I mean, I'm trying really hard to satisfy my standards, but it is quite difficult. I sometimes feel talent is something you are born with. I don't know... I'll just stop caring.

religion intolerance

I might be intolerant towards some religions. I can't help it. A lot of people use their religion towards their advantage. They might say my religion doesn't allow them to act certain ways, but when they do something wrong, they'll say it isn't that their religion is wrong, it is just the individuals. Like for example, they can't eat certain food, but they can smoke and litter. I just don't understand how their religion works. I mean they got judgement for eating certain food, but it is ok to smoke and litter. Plus, littering is a lot worst than eating certain food. They are picky of their food because of religion, but they can litter because it is an individual choice... I don't think.. siding with religion when only in their favor is being faithful.

sometimes trying sucks;

I mean trying is always seen in a positive light. I mean trying could definitely make life worse. Trying harder leads to greater disappointments. I can't decide if its better to be disappointed or regret for not trying. Life choices... are pretty shitty...

these days;

I'm kind of tired- I mean, it is 4:38 am. I should be sleeping right now. Sometimes I know what I'm doing, but at the same time I don't know what I am doing with my life. I just try not to find big meanings of life. That makes life a lot simpler. However, at times, I ask myself why am I such a loser. I guess I expect a lot more of myself. Well, I'll keep pushing on with whatever I am doing.

Life is very pointless.

retards;

I wonder why breaking the law is considered cool. I wonder if they are overestimating their abilities to be undetected or they are just stupid. Their way of life just pisses me off. It just annoys me that they cannot rationally weigh the risk and benefits. I guess I should avoid such people. I cannot afford any more problems.

Movie; Taking a break;

Last week, I went out for a business trip. It took me around 2 hours by train. I didn't to much. I just followed the professor around the company. Once I got back, I played a lot of games. I honestly just didn't want to think. I did start working out. I had to. I have been stress eating a lot more than I should have. Working out helps a lot.

Trip in Seoul;

First day was just me being sick the whole day. It is quite natural as I've always overworked myself in school and dropped dead when I got back home. I don't have to be as tense I am in school. The second day, I forcefully recovered. A person I was suppose to meet was too busy with her job. I met up with another Korean friend. He kind of withdrew from school because his studies were too hard. I met him while I was going to coding program in Korea. He is pretty damn rich. It was nice seeing him though. I learn a lot from him. I don't particularly like him though. I mean we live in too different worlds. Although he seems to seek emotional comfort from myself. I went to the bus terminal station- its like time square and not exactly gangnam. We had icecream, banana shakes, and waffles. After I was done meeting him, I met the girl I was originally suppose to meet. We went to hookah. It was pretty relaxing. Then, we munched on taco bell tacos. It was pretty cheap. Then, we went to a Japanese place to drink. Well, it was more Korea because we were drinking makgulli. It started snowing, and I went back home around 3 am. 

The next day, I had to come back to pohang. I've realized I was too relaxed because I should have been studying which I am doing right now. 

Going back again;

I’m going back home to Seoul. I’ve been incredibly busy last week, but I spent this week extravagantly playing computer games and watching Walking Dead. I was horribly wasteful with my time. However, next week would be insanely busy again. I have my finals. I’m not as busy I was in Georgia Tech. Korea is a lot more do-able.

Yesterday my lab mates and I went to get drinks. I think I was listening to a lot of interesting uninteresting stuff. One researcher told me I should get a girlfriend. I’m kind of dumbfounded. I mean, I’m trying only focus on being successful. I just want to be smarter. I want more control over my life. Plus, it is motivating to have a goal in life. Well, I fucked up life. I get to pleasurably fix it. I mean, there is no worst case scenario because I’m living it. I can only improve. No insecurities. Plus, I kind of found my suicidal confidence. I’m going at it again in overloading my schedule to make it busy as possible. Next semester is going to be insanely busy. I’m also doing projects and tutoring. This winter, I’ll help a senior write a conference paper, and hopefully, if it does get accepted, I get a free trip to London. Winter break is going to be fun seriously. I don’t have to go to stupid classes and just research. Read loads of papers at my own pace.

Obsessiveness does great in research. You just keep brute the fucking force out of each problem.  

Going back again;

I’m going back home to Seoul. I’ve been incredibly busy last week, but I spent this week extravagantly playing computer games and watching Walking Dead. I was horribly wasteful with my time. However, next week would be insanely busy again. I have my finals. I’m not as busy I was in Georgia Tech. Korea is a lot more do-able.

Yesterday my lab mates and I went to get drinks. I think I was listening to a lot of interesting uninteresting stuff. One researcher told me I should get a girlfriend. I’m kind of dumbfounded. I mean, I’m trying only focus on being successful. I just want to be smarter. I want more control over my life. Plus, it is motivating to have a goal in life. Well, I fucked up life. I get to pleasurably fix it. I mean, there is no worst case scenario because I’m living it. I can only improve. No insecurities. Plus, I kind of found my suicidal confidence. I’m going at it again in overloading my schedule to make it busy as possible. Next semester is going to be insanely busy. I’m also doing projects and tutoring. This winter, I’ll help a senior write a conference paper, and hopefully, if it does get accepted, I get a free trip to London. Winter break is going to be fun seriously. I don’t have to go to stupid classes and just research. Read loads of papers at my own pace.

Obsessiveness does great in research. You just keep brute the fucking force out of each problem.