Depression;

I'm having a difficult time to write. I open up a new sheet of paper or I create a new blog post, but I'm never able to finish writing a complete diary post.. I'm kind of brain dead. I just don't know what I am feeling or what my insides are saying. Well, for sure, I'm depressed and suicidal. I have no idea why I quixotic ideas of death or such frequent thoughts of death. Logically, I know death isn't the answer to anything. Aside from fighting of idiotic suicidal thoughts, I've restricted myself from smoking. I really want a puff, but I've been discounting the urges. I've been also reducing my intake of Ritalin. It is winter break, and I don't have to do anything that is on record. However, I do have to come to the research lab. 

I'm not making much money these days. I only tutor research lab members, and I gave them big discounts. I'm only doing it because I have no alternative way of making money. But, I'm at a point where everything counts. Additionally, I have a hard time reducing my expenditure. I eat a lot more than normal people. 

I'm reading Chain Reaction. It is pretty interesting. I never had time to read books while I was in an engineering school. These kind of moments make me wished I never went to an engineering school. Life would have been very different.