I just remembered how much I gave without expecting anything in return. Every memory just make myself sad and sadder. Dear myself don't give. Didn't you just promise yourself to take care of yourself first? Fuck it sadness overrules everything. The Christian girl is the same. She talked about how she is suppose to expect nothing in return. How giving hurts. How she forgets herself in caring about others. She saw my insides. So I returned the favor by seeing her insides. lol. She told me how nice it was for someone to see her inside haha.

Anyways "focus"
1. Skateboarding
2. Guitar
3. Computer Science.
4. Make things.


Everything should be done by 30. I really don't know how far I'll go. I just have to focus on those 4 things. It should make be busy enough. I can't wait for confinement. AH... Love confinement. Fuck I'm still determining if I should work part time. I don't know. I never rested. I think I'll just focus on my studies. Thats more important. I could make money after I get better with computer science. Then, I can work part time on computer projects. I've decided to take computer science as a form of art. That way its possible for me to focus. Fuck.. brain wash myself that I love computer science. I love science. I love science. I love science. The main problem is "quit", "give up", "you can't do it". These words keep repeating itself.

I need to change my mentality. I've always thought just do enough so that I won't get left behind. That was the only purpose of studying. I never wanted to surpass anyone... Just do enough. Well I realized I should start wanting to surpass. Think life as a competition. I'm just exhausted though. I've been trying to keep up with the subject I have no interests in. I've been giving too much.

Time to start over. From scratch. May 5th is when I arrive in Korea. I'll do a reflection on December 31st. That is 240 days. I'll be deleting this blog at May 5th as well. Same with facebook.