Pimples are annoying. I need to fix my life. Can't believe I placed myself in such position. I'll just think of it as a detour. As long as I don't give up, I win.

I've met some really nice people these days. Some dude offered couple of cigarettes at the club.  Probably over heard our conversation. Well, not mine but my friend's. Everyone is going through a lot of crap. I don't smoke but I do when I feel like it. But smoking is bad for you. Just a side note, don't smoke before eating spicy food. Makes your food taste like crap. The other day I was in the Korean mart looking for medicine for pimples. I don't know been stressed and the pimples were going out of control. Anyways, this lady overheard my conversation with the person who works at the department store. She suggested me medicine and she even offered to give it to me for free if I lived near duluth. That was really nice of her and when I got back I googled the medicine. It costed like few couple hundred bucks ^^... Her brother probably used it but still.. she just offered me a couple of hundred bucks when I don't even know her. I talked to her on kakao talk and she was really nice.


Feels good inside.


Its true though, the mindset starts to colors your vision. Sometimes I struggle to see the goodness of this world. Its not like I don't try. I go out and open my eyes wide as I can, just to see something beautiful. Nothing comes in though. I don't know what to do about this. Imaginations seem to create hell. Only see the negativity of this world. Another thing is I seem to fear people. I mean there is no reason for me to fear them exactly. I'm bigger and stronger than most people. Its just that imaginations create people into creatures that are threatening. Its either this or imagine people dead. I'm hoping after the marines, my mindset would change. Maybe it would cure my vision of seeing people as monsters or dead. Maybe if I go to the marines, I could not lose to monsters. Maybe monsters would fear me.

I really don't know what to do with this mindset.

Depression
- Live in the future
- Create cycles
- Isolated from people
- Care a lot
- "Never good enough"
- Unstable relationship with parents
- Bad Childhood
- Bad sensitivity management
i.e. People are suppose to experience death of their grand parents then their parents. It reduces the sensitivity because they've been exposed to it. But, experiencing parents' dead before the grandparents will cause issues.
its really about the order how things occur.
- Hating yourself

I'll do anything to get out of this. The problem is I'm really bad at showing I'm not feeling good. I'm too used to presenting to others the happier self. Like when I had the chicken pox, I acted so normal that the doctor thought it was a bug bite. Obviously since it was treated late, I had to go through the worst of the chicken pox. My friend told me, who is also depressed, that in the future we'll both be better... He doesn't understand we're going to be the same after years, unless we know how to be happy now. He thinks a marriage would solve our problem. It won't. I'm pretty sure of it. He doesn't see the picture. I tell him he needs to watch out for people. He talks about how he was careful of a girl from the streets who asked for donations. No... he doesn't realize the trust within is the real problem. How you're suppose to watch out for people you trust, because if you never trusted someone from the start you'll never be hurt, but if you trusted someone, then you'll get hurt. I don't know.. he kind of worries me. I mean his best friend is only using him. It doesn't matter if tell him or not, he is just blinded. I hate when people become blinded. So was I blinded. It was my first time. I could not help myself I saw someone come alive from the dead. Nobody came out of the dead before.  Man its getting harder to see people alive.