Should you care?

This will be a short post as I am busy cramming for my test tomorrow. I will fail because I am not myself. I think I'm having panic attacks. Everyday I have to go through these intense moments of fear. For some reason I'm just scared. Most of the time, I just have to think about sexy dances and I'm fine. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder. Well, I'm going to visit the school counselors. Maybe I'll feel better.

Anyways, my question is should you care about others? I care a lot about others that sometimes I risk friendship. Say if your friend suddenly started drinking alcohol, started drugs, started smoking or something that you would see that is harmful for your friend, would you care enough to stop them?

As for me, if I know its going to end bad. I will risk friendship. Sometimes you get good results and sometimes you get bad results. To be honest, you get a lot more bad results because people only think of the present. They enjoy what they are doing now, and don't think of the consequences of the future. The things people do to look cool and for money is pretty pathetic.

I wish I could stop caring. It does take a lot of effort and needless thoughts. However, as of now, even if I tell myself I would stop caring, it seems to not work.As soon as I'm done with college. I'll be deleting my facebook. Facebook is the only way I would be connected to my friends, but I will keep caring about people if I keep talking to them. The problem is that I feel guilty for not being able to be there for them. The guilt is always there for some reason.

I guess it will keep piling up if I don't change the way I think.

btw I bought the One of Kind will be posting that up soon.

Arguments.

Having arguments with smart people is hard. Sometimes you have to give in and it is a good thing. We have logically came to a conclusion. The problem is when you have arguments with stupid people. When I say stupid people, its not about a college degree or education, its about their way of engaging in arguments they care about.

School teaches you to debate. It doesn't teach you how to argue and eventually give in or make the opponent give in. It doesn't teach you to realize that your not right. It doesn't teach you to reflect on what you did. Most people just forget and just remain the same instead of learning from arguments.

I did have few arguments with friends due to the fact I am over protective. Well, I have been over protective for these reasons. To me, their behavior seemed as if they had no control over it. Its like me watching porn. I have no control over it. Well, the thing is that porn doesn't really harm me. Psychologically a bit as studies show, but nothing really much. But, when people start calling alcohol their happiness and show obsession over it. It worries me a lot. Regular drinkers, we don't emphasize drinking is happiness. We don't really talk about it. We don't post pictures on facebook of glasses of alcohol. Another argument was on MLM. The person didn't show any neutrality. I mean even religious people doubt God sometimes. Yet, they don't doubt MLM. Its like a cult.

So... people when they argue. They use everything to make themselves feel they are better than you. They will mention random college degrees, knowledge, and eventually use their age. I am older than you, so I know more things. Well, whatever. I do look up at older people a lot. I want to learn from their experience, which I have not yet learned about, especially death. However, they anyways disappoint me. Adults my ass. When you can't be responsible, your not an adult. Your just a kid who pretends to be an adult. Thinking that your an adult because you had sex, drink alcohol, go for prostitution, do drugs, and etc. Thanks for setting a good example of yourselves. It just shows that I can't live clean. So Thanks for telling me that. Here is one of Joel's video. I liked it a lot. Using age as an argument is the worst idea ever.

After people use age to bs their ways. When they are cornered in an argument because they know they are doing something wrong. They start using pathos in a very bad way. Just like my mom did. You say the most hurtful thing to your opponent. The problem is that I take these very seriously. Every word, I do take it personal and I do accept every  one of it. Because sometimes, they are very true. But sometimes they say the worst thing ever. I really hate when this stage of the arguments happen. Its time to decide whether you want to keep your friendship or just fk it. Well, the argument now has become a fight. Its about hurting the other. No matter what I say, it doesn't mean anything. They just want to hurt you as much as possible.

That is when you just give up. Go watch more porn, go clubbing, listen to loud music, play video games, and sleep. Hate yourself for caring. Ask yourself why do you even care?

Eventually the pain might disappear.
Eventually the guilt of not helping a friend follow the correct path might go away.
Eventually I'll realized I did my best and be happy.
Eventually they will realize why I tried so hard.
Maybe they'll tell me I was right and thank me for trying.
I think that probably would never happen.

*Note to myself: Don't talk to people. 

Money... There is always other ways..

I'm just going to go over a boring topic on money. Well, whatever I say won't be credible because I probably didn't go through what everyone else have been through. But, I really don't care. I'm kind of fed up getting hate for caring. So its really up to you to decide.

Money and I have a hate/love relationship, starting from an early age. You know how when you have a older sister or younger sibling you have jealousy issues? You always think  your parents care more about your siblings more than you. Well, for me I had this relationship with money. Kind of funny right? I couldn't help it. My mom was cheap. She would try to save every cent she could. She would do anything to save money. No matter how little the amount is. If it costs money, I would have to give up. I would always get huge shoes that never fit. Just wore clothes the school gave out. Sometimes buy pants. Sometimes buy tshirt. I would wear something other for a week and I wouldn't have anything to wear. I guess I had like 2 pairs of pants, and like 8 tshirts? We did eat out a lot, but it was in those cheap discounted food places. Really, you would be amazed how much semi good food you can get from discounted places. Hanging out friends costed money as well. Well, we screwed that. The thing is, I felt my parents would do anything for money. Even replace me with money. So, this is how I started hating money. Then a girl I liked, dated a guy just because he was rich. Actually fell in love with him and eventually had a breakup. It was the most painful thing I had to go through. She would believe a rich guy than a friend. Few friends joined the MLM system that would not really work. Even if it worked for them, they are harming others. So, I can't be friends with them. My principles are clear. I can't harm others, I can't also friends who would harm others. They joined because of money. Brainwashed because of money. And again they won't even listen to a friend because they are blinded by money. Blinded by love is more like blinded by money these days.Then again I have to love money. Yes I was blinded by money as well.

Because of my cheap mother, I've always thought more money was more happiness. However, I did realize money wasn't the answer to happiness. Its really about how you think. As long as you think in a positive way, you can be happy, no matter what kind of situation you are in.

However, back then I did love money. Well, I guess I do now as well but for very different reasons. My first love was in another country. I didn't have money to get plane tickets so this never worked out. That is the reason I loved money. I thought one day if I can get enough money, I can change things and have more control of my life. Well, that never happened as of now. I also thought I could be happier with materialistic goods. hahaha actually, the only reason I studied in high school was I wanted to gain independence from my parents.  I dreamed of getting a room and being able to play computer games everyday. Well, that didn't happen and my interest changed.

Now, there is two different reasons. First, personal reasons. I need to dress well. It really helps my problem with low confidence. I mean it feels nice when I wear nice things. The second reason is I kind of want to help others. Well, actually I hate helping people because I really do get no gains from it. Better relationships with friends? Fk no. They forget everything and take it for granted. Really I'm not gaining anything. Absolutely nothing in return. It also pisses me off how people would listen when it involves money. The girl that was in MLM, she started listening when I told her I'll give her the amount she paid. That brought her back to her senses. I decided to reduce the price because right now isn't a very good time for me financially. But, I can't believe she still wants something from me lol. wtf she should be thanking me for bringing her into her sense. Well, I decided to make it multiple small gifts because it would be easier for me.

Sadly, I can't help myself. But I am stopping all this helping others thing this december. I'm tired of it. And I'm going to stop caring about others. That is my goal in life. Stop caring.

Anyways, what I really wanted to say was, money isn't everything in your life. Just make sure that you save enough to have some sort of emergency money. That is the most important thing. Emergency money. You really shouldn't be too greedy. Don't ever think of fast easy money. It always comes with a string. It could be losing family, friends, and relationships. Hard work does pay off really. The reason I have so much respect for my dad is because his parents were farmers who lost everything to gambling  He came to Seoul with nothing literary. Somehow he managed to feed himself. Somehow he joined a company that send him to foreign countries. Somehow he climbed the social ladder. This somehow is all because he worked hard.

So stop becoming a victim of money.


Sorry this post isn't so well written, was very sleepy