Weird day

I had to get some GRE books. I'm most likely not going to apply for graduate school but I need to do something. I should be studying computers but I'm too tense for that. Studying GRE isn't going that great even though I did pretty decent on the SAT. Well, the big difference from back then was that I wasn't depressed. I had issues with hatred more than being demotivated. This slump is dumb. It would definitely feel good once I get over it but I still feel this is retarded. I don't know... no matter how much connection I make it seems pointless. Its kind of true that there is no long term relationships. People change and you just have to find new ones. Maybe life is suppose to be done alone. I mean statistically speaking its kind of true.

Back to the journey of acquiring GRE books. Some person was trying to convince me to waste money on her. Its dumb... it starts with asking directions. Koreans are quite willingly help people find directions so for people who want to do harm, its a easy way to get attention from their targets. The girl asked "How do you get to bangbang street." (bang bang is the street between my house and gangnam). I told her just walk over there. She asked "Is there a lot of things to do there?." Honestly, I don't do much in Korea except for eat and buy things I need. I said "There is nothing to do there." Obviously this was a question that indicate a lot of things. At that point of time I kind of didn't care.  If I said there is a lot to do there and explained stuff. It means I'm an average university student in Korea, who've hanged out there a lot. I'm pretty sure there are clubs there as well. I mean its a rich people area. If I said no I'm probably someone who doesn't hang out there a lot. Thus a busy person. Busy doing what? Studying. If we deduce the people who "have" to study rather than willingly study. Its usually medical students or engineers. She probably looked at my clothes. I wore shitty clothes, just a hoodie and cheap shorts. Note, in Korea, even the poorest people would try to get nice branded clothes. So, probably concluded I'm an engineer since Korean medical students dress a bit better. She asked "Are you an engineer" I quickly said "yes" because I still didn't mind. She asked if I was computer science major. That was the point I removed myself. This isn't a normal I-want-direction conversation. I mean its easy to guess. In engineering popular subjects are computer science, computer engineering, electrical engineering and mechanical engineering. If you were going to take a guess, its pretty safe to guess within these majors. In the end I felt like shit. I don't know... I hate people who deceive. I wish they freaking grow up and realize everyone has a hard time with their own shit without them effing other people's lives.

After buying the GRE books, some guy slammed into me. I got really tense.  In Korea, irrational terror happens quite a bit. Like people would cause violence for no reason. I started evaluating the situation and checked if the person was going his direction. I had to keep looking back and make sure I know where he is. Fortunately, we gained distance. I asked a friend and she told me shoving is normal for the older generation. I guess its probably because they had it harder and didn't have the luxury to care others. For sure though it was weird... I always keep distance from people. I did keep distance with that person but somehow he closed up with me. So Ninja.

Life is so weird..and I wonder if Koreans are the only race that kills their parents to get money. I don't know... Traditionally we are suppose to respect our elders but theres been a lot of cases where parents were murdered. Well... on the other hand, sometimes the male family member commit suicide in order to get money from the insurance company then give it to their family.


Every morning my sense tingle my head with a little warning because I always find myself running to avoid another pounding and a around of cussing. People call it fussing when I start expressing and only near death they'll admit my life is depressing but its was them who's doing the pressing and rejecting. Always objecting instead of respecting whenever I try projecting until its their turn to burn. Only then it becomes a major public concern but there is no return for those who've already been hurt and had their hearts shredded to dirt. They hate people so much that they can never love to give birth. Because they know humans are mental perverts



So much respect for this girl.

vent

When we first met, it was crazy and wasn't ordinary. Our love was exemplary. Together, we were both happy. I guess we were very lucky. But, our future was a maybe and your life continued without me. In a way, we were both free and given opportunities. But, all that was left was memories and miseries. Our pain never found remedies. Instead, we sought whatever that gave us the kicks. As our hearts were blocked by wall bricks and in the darkness we became mentally sick. It was like there was a demon inside our minds playing tricks. We couldn't think straight. So, we would mindlessly take the bait, without considering our mental state. We grew weak and remained at the negative pique. Despite our physique, our bodies would deteriorate, and soon we realize its too late. Everything fades, remains a heart that aches.

Thoughts & Experiences as a Trash collector

Just don't read this post since I'm just going to write whats on my mind. So basically, some people don't think. I'm calling them dumb. I'm saying they literally don't think. When reading a newspaper, doing homework or etc, they don't think. They just perform actions. As for me, I think a lot but its always repetitive and obsessive. Its interesting how I would state "I'm bored". People would say then I must not be busy. Well, for me, I'm doing something and still bored. Maybe its because I'm only partially focused on my work and having useless thoughts on the side. Thus, I'm in a state of boredom while doing work. Its quite funny how me and my sister is completely different. If there was a goal point A, my sister would go straight to the goal. As for me, I would go around the goal and get there eventually. I'm too aware of my surroundings that I'm not focused enough to get to my goals. Different ways of thinking.

I've also realized I can't tolerate few things in life. Its hard for me to imagine that something would last nor that humans are good. I'm thankful for those who were nice though. I remember those who've showed me kindness. Well, this reappeared in my mind because it was an extraordinary experience. Your dreams are filled with memories that were locked up inside you. For me it was all those people I've said good byes to. The kid who died when I was in kindergarden in Korea. Grace who was a Korean American girl who used to lead the gang in our neighborhood. Markus a black kid who had a issue with his tongue. A white girl who kissed me. The Korean American kid who stole my game pack. The kid who always mumbled when he talked. The Japanese girl who always get bullied in the bus. The Korean kids who've bought me a pocketmonster keychain. The kid who always fell when he walked. The pretty girl who was a daughter of a farmer.  So many that I do remember yet those who don't exist in my life. It all just came back in dreams. Then, there were those dreams where I got bullied. Always being the new kid suck balls. I mean you do get a lot of attention its just that those are negative. Those were nightmares. Sweated a lot. These were really interesting experiences. I forgot about them but they existed subconsciously. These extremely valuable data. Idk.. I kind of want my kids to read these posts at one point. Why? They'll gain experiences passively.

Another thing, I want to elaborate my experiences as a trash collector (TC). As most of you have read, I'm not in the position to become a TC. I come from a decent family and I have decent education. Plus, not a lot of teenagers do this. I did it because I felt like it. I wasn't going to stay in Korea anyways and I didn't know anyone there so I didn't care. It was an interesting experience. Its a different world that I've just entered. You feel great disappointment of how crappy the world is. I've noticed how many fucking coffee cups are on the street. Coffee is expensive and people don't know how to clean up after themselves. I did this during late night as well like around 2 am. So many drunk people on the streets. Then, I found out TCs are really competitive. I mean TCs get money by selling recyclable goods. They'll go through subways and collect newspaper people left at the train. Sometimes TCs would go to the extremes. They'll "raid" trashcans. Steal from marts/stores recycle bins. Sometimes they'll steal other people's properties. Say like there is a perfectly good bicycle parked outside of a house. They'll steal it. I found out cans and steel products are most profitable. You can get a decent earning. Well, decent earning as in you can feed yourself. I find it hard to imagine to find a place to stay. Unless you live in the illegally housings. (houses built on gov't ground and without permission).

Begging does make a lot more to be honest. You don't have to move anywhere just sit and beg. I think I've mention this before but a part time worker can get 5 dollars an hour. So if a beggar can get 5 dollars an hour, he makes enough. He probably can make a lot more if he targets areas that are populated with people who have more than enough or religiously obligated to help others. Also, if he proves that he is trying to break the cycle of poverty, like pretend to study or something, he probably can get more financial support.  So beggars probably make a lot more. As for TCs they don't make enough compared to part timers. I mean trash weights a lot. Its a lot more work compared to part timers.

So, if I would rank, jobs

1. Beggar
2. Part timer
3. TCs

Living as a TC wasn't pleasant. Trash was sometimes disgusting. Man... I should have focused on working on computer science and getting rich. -.-... Well, my parents were in Malaysia and I didn't have a stable place to stay so I probably couldn't study anyways. Just another thought... its really weird how I never been in a real relationship but yet, I did technically love a lot of people. Its really weird how easily I can read people's sadness. Maybe its not that hard to read people's sadness but how many people care. Its kind weird that I care though since I'm not compassionate.