I've met some really nice people these days. Some dude offered couple of cigarettes at the club.  Probably over heard our conversation. Well, not mine but my friend's. Everyone is going through a lot of crap. I don't smoke but I do when I feel like it. But smoking is bad for you. Just a side note, don't smoke before eating spicy food. Makes your food taste like crap. The other day I was in the Korean mart looking for medicine for pimples. I don't know been stressed and the pimples were going out of control. Anyways, this lady overheard my conversation with the person who works at the department store. She suggested me medicine and she even offered to give it to me for free if I lived near duluth. That was really nice of her and when I got back I googled the medicine. It costed like few couple hundred bucks ^^... Her brother probably used it but still.. she just offered me a couple of hundred bucks when I don't even know her. I talked to her on kakao talk and she was really nice.


Feels good inside.


Its true though, the mindset starts to colors your vision. Sometimes I struggle to see the goodness of this world. Its not like I don't try. I go out and open my eyes wide as I can, just to see something beautiful. Nothing comes in though. I don't know what to do about this. Imaginations seem to create hell. Only see the negativity of this world. Another thing is I seem to fear people. I mean there is no reason for me to fear them exactly. I'm bigger and stronger than most people. Its just that imaginations create people into creatures that are threatening. Its either this or imagine people dead. I'm hoping after the marines, my mindset would change. Maybe it would cure my vision of seeing people as monsters or dead. Maybe if I go to the marines, I could not lose to monsters. Maybe monsters would fear me.

I really don't know what to do with this mindset.

Depression
- Live in the future
- Create cycles
- Isolated from people
- Care a lot
- "Never good enough"
- Unstable relationship with parents
- Bad Childhood
- Bad sensitivity management
i.e. People are suppose to experience death of their grand parents then their parents. It reduces the sensitivity because they've been exposed to it. But, experiencing parents' dead before the grandparents will cause issues.
its really about the order how things occur.
- Hating yourself

I'll do anything to get out of this. The problem is I'm really bad at showing I'm not feeling good. I'm too used to presenting to others the happier self. Like when I had the chicken pox, I acted so normal that the doctor thought it was a bug bite. Obviously since it was treated late, I had to go through the worst of the chicken pox. My friend told me, who is also depressed, that in the future we'll both be better... He doesn't understand we're going to be the same after years, unless we know how to be happy now. He thinks a marriage would solve our problem. It won't. I'm pretty sure of it. He doesn't see the picture. I tell him he needs to watch out for people. He talks about how he was careful of a girl from the streets who asked for donations. No... he doesn't realize the trust within is the real problem. How you're suppose to watch out for people you trust, because if you never trusted someone from the start you'll never be hurt, but if you trusted someone, then you'll get hurt. I don't know.. he kind of worries me. I mean his best friend is only using him. It doesn't matter if tell him or not, he is just blinded. I hate when people become blinded. So was I blinded. It was my first time. I could not help myself I saw someone come alive from the dead. Nobody came out of the dead before.  Man its getting harder to see people alive.

1. School; Study ; Military ; Study ; Job -; Grad school
2. School ; Military ; Study; Job ; Grad school

I guess I'll go with choice number 1. Since I only learn from the past. Then, 

Goal: Graduate College. 
Plans: 
1. Pass this semester Graduate.
2. Fail:
     a. Military
     b. Study/get more experience in coding
     c. Come back to college
     d. Graduate.
Expectation: Degree. What to expect in Computer Science. 


Goal: Improve physical health
Plan: Go to military
Expectation: Health. Anger. 

Goal: Get better at Programming
Plan: 
Languages to study- 
1. PHP
2. ASP
3. JSP
4. JQuery
5. CSS
6. html5
7. xml
8. ccna
9. ccnp
10. SIS
11. Java
12. Databases mysql
13. C
14. C++
15. Ocjp (Important)
16. Ipic (Important)

Areas to study
1. Networking
     *Databases
     *Data structures
     *

2. Artificial Intelligence
    *Practice with AI competitions

3. User Interface
    *Read a lot.
    *Read all the books recommended in the Gatech cs courses
    *http://www.catalog.gatech.edu/colleges/coc/ugrad/comsci/threads/degreq/mod-sim-people.php
    *http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/electrical-engineering-and-computer-science/

4. Computer Architecture.
    *Read.

Brain Work
    *Just do a lot of algorithm problems.

Weakness
    *Programming.
    *Figuring things on my own.
    *Slow in understanding program structure
    *Implementation of the concepts

Strengths
    *Learn from the past.
    *Concepts are easily understood.
    * Reusing information I've learnt.
    * Observant learning. 

Things I need
    * CS programming books
    * 2x Wide screen monitor
    * Sofa instead of a bed.
    * Airconditioner.
    * Fridge
    * A room
    * Headphones
    * Printer
    * Desk

Overcoming the weakness. Since I'm bad at figuring things out, I should just get exposed to a lot of the programs already written. I guess that is a good plan. Since I'm a observant learner, watch youtube videos on programming or get extra lectures with Korean tutors.

Expectations: Proficiency in get a job.

Estimated Time Period: 2-3 Years.
Current Age: 21.
Age after military: 23.
Age after Goal reached: 25-26.

Internship:???
Graduate school:???  

Doubts: Would this work? What is my backup plan? Am I confident it will work? Would I be able to compete with the people already in the workforce?

Answer: Depends how much I get pissed off at the military. So, depends how many people beat me up in the military. Depends if negativity takes over or I win. But for sure, wanting to study and forced to study are two different thing. College was forced. After college, its my free will. I just wish my parents will fuck off and let me do my own thing. Idk if they controlled me for doing something bad, I really won't mind. Its just that they expect things that they never helped me construct. I can't just be smart instantly. It takes time and investments. Plus, they keep adding needless fears. I don't know. My head hurts because I have to consider all these plans to get to the goal. I don't even know if its humanly possible. Just do it. Its not like I have a choice anyways. Fuck negativity drains you a lot more than I thought it would. Idk Fuck Implementation and planning is different. FUCK would I be lazy? Idk Just really hope the military is the shittiest place in the world.

Idk I'm blaming my parents for living in that shitty apartment. I can't focus.


Question: Why am I continuing Computer Science if I suck balls at it -.-. I don't even enjoy computer science. WTF. I'm just retarded. Yeah.. I'm just stupid. For sure... I'm stupid... Yup... I'm stupid. I have no idea what's going to happen to the future.

Goal: Fix Depression
Plan: 
Its quite impossible. Do I have to live like this? 
I'll get a dog.
Music.

Expectations: Nothing. 
Problem with depression: Impossible to concentrate. Can't see objectively. Likely to drain other people.