Just some things, I've found out about life.
1. I've created too many misunderstandings.
2. The act of giving should be only done to people who you are interested in or you're just a player.
3. Attempts to kill myself is seen as high self confidence.
4. I'm completely irrational.
5. I'm socially awkward when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
6. Not everyone is depressed.
7. Engineering is about the skill, not the degree.
8. I have too much empathy.
9. I don't care about what other people think.
10. I have no motivation in life.
11. I do care about other people's well being.
12. I'm stupid or insanely smart.
13. I guess people would call me an "outcast" by social norms.
14. Human traits can be produced by selective breeding, just like dogs.
15. I care about people a lot. I hate a lot. I love a lot.
16. I'll only love if I have to.
17. For sure I'm emo.
18. I can't hide my sadness anymore.
19. People get bored of each other.
20. Humans are very limited.
21. Over thinking leads to depression.
22. Caring leads to depression.
23. Thinking about the future leads to depression.
24. Getting torn apart from connection leads to depression.
25. Pills don't help with depression.
26. Sometimes its too late.
27. I should stop treating women the same. It will cause jealousy and hatred towards me. FUCK
28. Change plans, not goals.
29. Be God. This removes all limitation.
30. Society doesn't wait.
31. Everyone pretends to be nice.
32. Never judge a book by its cover.
33. The economy determines how well a family functions.
34. However, money doesn't define how much love is in the family.
35. You don't need love to live.
36. Anger helps you have stable emotions
37. Emotions can destroy you as well as make you powerful.
38. Blogging about Korea won't help me fight my depression.
39. Only have kids when you are financially & emotionally well off and can take full responsibility.
40. Always be supportive to your kids.
41. Treat people equally.
42. Never look down on others.
43. Irrationality hurts my brain.
44. Family can't love you unconditionally, can't expect expect others to love you unconditionally.
45. You don't love yourself, don't expect others to love you.
46. You don't have to love yourself, just trust yourself.
47. Never give up on others.
48. You can't expect the other person to not hurt you, people change.
49. Marry someone from the same age group, because everyone is already too different.
50. Return the happiness, whenever possible.
51. Everyone wants to look nice without sacrificing.
52. Most Asians suffer from not being good enough, so they seek love from other outer sources.
53. The more you have, the more people will love you.
54. People are attracted to positivity and happiness.
55. Pain makes you a better person.
56. Pain creates useless empathy.
57. I don't understand the feeling thingy in love. I seem to be able to turn it on and off. I can choose to love someone.
58. Understanding only works after pain of the experience.
59. True love is falsely. My senior told me he was happy when he was in love. But.. he was in love relationships after relationships. They all can't be true love ^^;;
60. Your sense of awareness gets greater the more pain you've experienced.
61. Introspection helps you find yourself and correct your flaws.
62. After examination of my life I found only 3.5 people that are trustworthy.
63. People date anyone. Marry rich people.
64.
65. I only do things if I have to.
66. I have a hard time believing I changed a lot.
67. I'm deep as fuck. I thought everyone was like me. No wonder nobody understood me.
68. Soulmate exist in America. 比翼連里 exists in Asia. Its weird.
69. I'm sorry for not being good enough.
70. Childhood influences adulthood a lot.
71. Apparently I have love genes that most people lack.
72. The only thing my dad appreciate is me washing his back in the public baths
73. Always pay back debts no matter how long it takes.
74. I wish people stop thinking I'm rich. I just move because of the company. My house is crap.
75. Being nice is better than feeling guilty.
76. Marriage is more stressful.
77. I'm racist for a reason. Black people are racist to black people. Malaysians are racist to Malaysians. Koreans are racist to Koreans. Americans don't care about each other.
78. I'm not fucking gay.
79. Girls need something emotional. Guys need something emotional and physical.
80. Most guys suck at caring, so girls cheat
81. Most girls get saggy, so guys cheat
82. Giving makes me depressed.
83. Dating for me means lets get married. For normal people, lets just hangout with sex.
84. Pretending to be rich just to give, leads to people taking things for granted.
85. Not caring about myself seems to give invulnerability. Idk.. sometimes it hurts when I realize I'm still alive.
86. I've said too many good byes.
87. Judging people is so much fun.
88. College degree doesn't explain if a person is trustworthy. I used to think the more education people had, the more trustworthy they are.
89. I should try to earn more to give more.
90. Making yourself vulnerable lets you see people's true faces.
91. I wish someone would just last forever. Just one person. God never gives.
92. People will do anything for hope. You can even make money giving people hope.
93. I have trust issues.
94. I have abandonment issues.
95. Never trust God, unless its for others or absolutely necessary.
96. Do things God will never do.
97. Those people who think its too late are retarded. You're never late for anything.
98. I hate those people who are superficial.
99. Don't trust selfish people. Trust people who are naturally nice.
100. I trusted a selfless person. Who am I suppose to trust now? This sucks. I thought when everyone hated me, I could trust my parents. When my parents hated me, I thought I could trust a selfless person. Now... what? Man.. WTF life...
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Project Make-Fish-Fly
Goal: Graduate College.
Plans:
1. Pass this semester Graduate.
2. Fail:
a. Military
b. Study/get more experience in coding
c. Come back to college
d. Graduate.
Expectation: Degree. What to expect in Computer Science.
Goal: Improve physical health
Plan: Go to military
Expectation: Health. Anger.
Goal: Get better at Programming
Plan:
Languages to study-
1. PHP
2. ASP
3. JSP
4. JQuery
5. CSS
6. html5
7. xml
8. ccna
9. ccnp
10. SIS
11. Java
12. Databases mysql
13. C
14. C++
15. Ocjp (Important)
16. Ipic (Important)
Areas to study
1. Networking
*Databases
*Data structures
*
2. Artificial Intelligence
*Practice with AI competitions
3. User Interface
*Read a lot.
*Read all the books recommended in the Gatech cs courses
*http://www.catalog.gatech.edu/colleges/coc/ugrad/comsci/threads/degreq/mod-sim-people.php
*http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/electrical-engineering-and-computer-science/
4. Computer Architecture.
*Read.
Brain Work
*Just do a lot of algorithm problems.
Weakness
*Programming.
*Figuring things on my own.
*Slow in understanding program structure
*Implementation of the concepts
Strengths
*Learn from the past.
*Concepts are easily understood.
* Reusing information I've learnt.
* Observant learning.
Things I need
* CS programming books
* 2x Wide screen monitor
* Sofa instead of a bed.
* Airconditioner.
* Fridge
* A room
* Headphones
* Printer
* Desk
Overcoming the weakness. Since I'm bad at figuring things out, I should just get exposed to a lot of the programs already written. I guess that is a good plan. Since I'm a observant learner, watch youtube videos on programming or get extra lectures with Korean tutors.
Expectations: Proficiency in get a job.
Estimated Time Period: 2-3 Years.
Current Age: 21.
Age after military: 23.
Age after Goal reached: 25-26.
Internship:???
Graduate school:???
Doubts: Would this work? What is my backup plan? Am I confident it will work? Would I be able to compete with the people already in the workforce?
Answer: Depends how much I get pissed off at the military. So, depends how many people beat me up in the military. Depends if negativity takes over or I win. But for sure, wanting to study and forced to study are two different thing. College was forced. After college, its my free will. I just wish my parents will fuck off and let me do my own thing. Idk if they controlled me for doing something bad, I really won't mind. Its just that they expect things that they never helped me construct. I can't just be smart instantly. It takes time and investments. Plus, they keep adding needless fears. I don't know. My head hurts because I have to consider all these plans to get to the goal. I don't even know if its humanly possible. Just do it. Its not like I have a choice anyways. Fuck negativity drains you a lot more than I thought it would. Idk Fuck Implementation and planning is different. FUCK would I be lazy? Idk Just really hope the military is the shittiest place in the world.
Idk I'm blaming my parents for living in that shitty apartment. I can't focus.
Question: Why am I continuing Computer Science if I suck balls at it -.-. I don't even enjoy computer science. WTF. I'm just retarded. Yeah.. I'm just stupid. For sure... I'm stupid... Yup... I'm stupid. I have no idea what's going to happen to the future.
Goal: Fix Depression
Plan:
Its quite impossible. Do I have to live like this?
I'll get a dog.
Music.
Expectations: Nothing.
Problem with depression: Impossible to concentrate. Can't see objectively. Likely to drain other people.
Plans:
1. Pass this semester Graduate.
2. Fail:
a. Military
b. Study/get more experience in coding
c. Come back to college
d. Graduate.
Expectation: Degree. What to expect in Computer Science.
Goal: Improve physical health
Plan: Go to military
Expectation: Health. Anger.
Goal: Get better at Programming
Plan:
Languages to study-
1. PHP
2. ASP
3. JSP
4. JQuery
5. CSS
6. html5
7. xml
8. ccna
9. ccnp
10. SIS
11. Java
12. Databases mysql
13. C
14. C++
15. Ocjp (Important)
16. Ipic (Important)
Areas to study
1. Networking
*Databases
*Data structures
*
2. Artificial Intelligence
*Practice with AI competitions
3. User Interface
*Read a lot.
*Read all the books recommended in the Gatech cs courses
*http://www.catalog.gatech.edu/colleges/coc/ugrad/comsci/threads/degreq/mod-sim-people.php
*http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/electrical-engineering-and-computer-science/
4. Computer Architecture.
*Read.
Brain Work
*Just do a lot of algorithm problems.
Weakness
*Programming.
*Figuring things on my own.
*Slow in understanding program structure
*Implementation of the concepts
Strengths
*Learn from the past.
*Concepts are easily understood.
* Reusing information I've learnt.
* Observant learning.
Things I need
* CS programming books
* 2x Wide screen monitor
* Sofa instead of a bed.
* Airconditioner.
* Fridge
* A room
* Headphones
* Printer
* Desk
Overcoming the weakness. Since I'm bad at figuring things out, I should just get exposed to a lot of the programs already written. I guess that is a good plan. Since I'm a observant learner, watch youtube videos on programming or get extra lectures with Korean tutors.
Expectations: Proficiency in get a job.
Estimated Time Period: 2-3 Years.
Current Age: 21.
Age after military: 23.
Age after Goal reached: 25-26.
Internship:???
Graduate school:???
Doubts: Would this work? What is my backup plan? Am I confident it will work? Would I be able to compete with the people already in the workforce?
Answer: Depends how much I get pissed off at the military. So, depends how many people beat me up in the military. Depends if negativity takes over or I win. But for sure, wanting to study and forced to study are two different thing. College was forced. After college, its my free will. I just wish my parents will fuck off and let me do my own thing. Idk if they controlled me for doing something bad, I really won't mind. Its just that they expect things that they never helped me construct. I can't just be smart instantly. It takes time and investments. Plus, they keep adding needless fears. I don't know. My head hurts because I have to consider all these plans to get to the goal. I don't even know if its humanly possible. Just do it. Its not like I have a choice anyways. Fuck negativity drains you a lot more than I thought it would. Idk Fuck Implementation and planning is different. FUCK would I be lazy? Idk Just really hope the military is the shittiest place in the world.
Idk I'm blaming my parents for living in that shitty apartment. I can't focus.
Question: Why am I continuing Computer Science if I suck balls at it -.-. I don't even enjoy computer science. WTF. I'm just retarded. Yeah.. I'm just stupid. For sure... I'm stupid... Yup... I'm stupid. I have no idea what's going to happen to the future.
Goal: Fix Depression
Plan:
Its quite impossible. Do I have to live like this?
I'll get a dog.
Music.
Expectations: Nothing.
Problem with depression: Impossible to concentrate. Can't see objectively. Likely to drain other people.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
stressful situations & random thoughts
These are the worst. I feel like shit. They reveal all your flaws. How selfish I am. If I was starving would I give my bread to another person rather than eat it myself? I'm uncertain. If I was desperate I probably would have ate it myself. Desperation makes you do a lot of things. When people are desperate they aren't much different from animals.
These are situations which upsets me. I'm too tired. fk exhausted with life. I think I should read about emptiness in buddhism because the insides of me feel really empty. Something must be broken.
I kind of understand why that person referred me as a "kid". Life must be a lot different from the early twenties to mid twenties. She told me how she used to think like me. Maybe she's right. I should just live off instant gratifications. Idk I want to suppress myself as much as possible. Idk I have a extreme high sense of intuition. My high sense of intuition makes me distant from reality. lol. FK I hate intuition fk that. I want intelligence.
I wonder why I'm so disinterested in life. No, I was never interested as I was born. Not a single thing interested me. My only interest is animals and golf. Man.. I could have became a professional golfer. FK WTF why am I so disinterested? WTF why is everything boring FK. fml. I'm not even rich and smart wtf. I find life challenging yet I'm bored wtf.. Man... wtf everyone is so hard working.. wtf...
What are their motivation in life?
I wonder why I'm so lazy, useless, irresponsible and dependent. fk. What am I good at? Golf! Man... fk after military I have to study for real lol.. Thats going to suck balls.
My friend dumped a guy because he was nice and caring. Apparently, he was going to drag her down. Man... that sucks. Well for the guy. WTF do people want. Well, I've realized its normal for people to want attention. Idk its how people are. Even I want attention at certain times. I only get attention when I don't want them fk -.-. fkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfk. Well, facebook did succeed. I mean its basically a show and tell. Man..... Idk life is so weird.
Man this sucks. I need to stop sleeping in random buildings of my school. Yeah for sure I'm still immature. FK I hate this. Idk... I've realized I'm completely different fkfkfkfkfkfkfk. fml; man it hurts a lot when I think of the goodbyes I told to so many people. I said goodbyes in hundreds lol. Nothing lasts. My attitude is a problem? Well, its what I've learned through out my entire life. fkfkfk
It kind of sucks. No matter how hard I try, people prefer materials fkfkfk
Idk... I guess everyone is trying their best.
Man wtf I don't know what to do fml. growing up sucks. man.. idk I just want a peaceful life which is unlikely to be given. man i hate this man eat man world. I think I'll just deny reality.
Do I want to climb the social ladder? fk i'm so lazy... Idk... think after military lol. maybe we're not suppose to trust another. Even family have hard time loving you. Then you can't expect others to love you lol. I mean wtf. Well at the moment I refuse all forms of love. Idk I hate myself. The thing is I keep distancing myself. People see that as being fake. Well really sorry but I can't help myself. Nothing lasts for me. I wonder what would last? facebook did make things easier but I feel like, its making it worst. I prefer to disconnect myself because I already know our connection are getting thinner. idk life is shit. man idk what to do fk.
I guess its one of life struggles again. FK...Sure, I become a better person after this is over, but I'm already exhausted.
man my mentality is fked up. I probably need to fix this. man... life is messed up. idk fk This sucks. I hate people.
I need to go back to Korea. Fk I shouldn't have let fear dominate my brain. I need to start from scratch. I'll give myself 4 years. At age 26 I'll become something. Idk I'll find something to be pissed off at.
FK those yourecards. They're fking brainwashing people to become alcoholics. Those retarded memes. Its no better than YOLO.
Our generation is weird. We are very selfish for sure compared to the older generation. But the funny thing is despite our individualism, our identities are becoming unified. Everyone has the same iphone, macbook, galaxys, tablets. Our cars look the same. We see a lot of identical buildings.
What would happen if all the countries finish industrialization? What if everyone gets high education? Idk Life is weird. Things you believe is right is apparently wrong. fk it I'm living with my intuition. I've realized I may not be smart, but my intuition is extraordinary. man this suck.
Another thing is I forgot the real world is very cold hearted. Idk. I forgot my abusive past because I've never invaded other people's self interest. Thus, there were no conflict.
Fk. what am I suppose to do. man. my life is going to be shit.
1. Graudate.
2. Military.
3. 2 years of studying.
4. 2 year job
Things to do.
1. Get some help with trust issues.
2. Get some help with fear of being happy.
This is fked up.
I wish I could be happy for myself lol. Man I can't believe I grew up. wow shit.
In the inside I'm that fat short ugly dumb kid. I need to keep doing things to make myself better. I got weak during college. The time I was doing my full potential was when I believed I was God. haha. man... I miss the time when I was fearless. Idk after I get back to Korea, I'm going back to being God. There is nothing you can't do if you want to. Programming? I'll kill myself doing it. Start from scratch.
Dear God. I usually don't pray for myself, but help me out this time. I'm tired ok? I think I know what you did to me, when I exchanged my life. lol. Man... well just help me.
I've realized my mental health is like those of batman, Eminem. Its the same as Eminem. I wonder how he lives each day. Well at least he is rich now.
fk only if I wasn't retarded. Well, I never thought I would be at an engineering school. Well for today, music isn't helping. Oh well. Life sucks.
I've realized, I lose sanity when people start destroying themselves.
I wonder how long it would take me to become a professional coder. Well I just need to get pissed off more. Man my brain is fked up.
I wonder if it is normal for people to love money, alcohol, drugs more than humans. Why do I always have to compete against things that aren't alive. lol FML.
Idk maybe its really my attitude that is the problem... I mean I can't be happy. Its impossible. Idk what am i suppose to do? I've been moving so much that I've naturally distance myself. Omg.. I found out I have a lot of problems. Well, socially..... fk I can't help it. fkkkk
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid
FK that I'm forcing that fish to climb the tree. Make it fly if necessary.
FK.... I'm suppose to love myself.. hmm I don't. I trust myself. Trust is better than love. You're not necessarily happy but you're comfortable.
FK. I'm owning everyone. After military. I'll prove that pessimism wins in the end. Fk it. Its either I die or I improve. Fk I'm going back to Korea. I need to lock myself up.
I think I'll close this blog soon... I need to go back into complete isolation once I finish college. Yeah definitely start from scratch. Go to military, get physically stronger. After that I'll work on my mental strength. pace myself. Go for sleepless nights. Idk... its always better to study in home ground. See how far I go. Its pretty funny how no matter how many people I make friends with lol nothing lasts. I've met so many people... I mean I am the kid that waves to too many people in college. lol... Walking to classes to classes is all about constant hand waving lol. Yet nobody is going to last lol.
Man... I can't make friends in the military lol. Fk that. I"m just checking how much stronger I became. I mean I did get soft, after high school. lol. Too comfortable. Well mental torture, but let see. Idk I kind of want to see if I can top them lol. I mean they are mostly kids who want to join korean gangsters. Idk I have to establish ranks as well. Idk... its more fun that way anyways. Just go for the most hardcore course . Idk see what happens. Hmmm I'm going to have to lie on the interview... They'll ask why did you join this force? I should answer because I'm bored and no particular reason. But, I guess I have to lie that I want to protect the country. Hmmmm. Man.. my parents are going to kill me. Oh well... lol My cousins advised me to go to the easiest one... Well... sorry lol... Man.. people are going to see this as confidence again. FK..
Try my best to graduate and then PREPARE properly for military lol. Not like college. I'll make my training harder than the military's program lol.
I can't believe I grew up this much. lol... trusting someone to last was the worst idea ever... lol.. I can't help myself from falling in love with people from the past. lol Thats why weak spot. Well... I realized its going to take more than that now lol. t will take years to fall in love. I wonder if any one is willing to do that lol. THey just want finished products. Can't believe how much I've changed lol...
Man... people from gangnam are a lot nicer than the people on the outside... They're all nice kids. I met a kid that could see through me lol. That was insane. Those are kids that are truly nice lol. Somewhat selfless. A true christian.
One of those rare people.
Well its nice to know someone like that lol.
Idk what am I suppose to do. I guess get part time job + exercise.
I need to get smarter and stronger though.
6 months training + part time job
2 years military
2 years self studying. + internship.
Man.. I'm too cool.
Things I want to do.
http://outdoor-games.wonderhowto.com/how-to/build-your-own-rainbow-colored-igloo-with-milk-carton-ice-blocks-and-snowcrete-0141219/
Man... I really want to decorate my own room.. I think its like one of my greatest wishes.
I hate my life as a nomad. I don't belong anywhere. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. The life traveling around the world. ha.... they don't realize the pain of moving. They'll never understand how I was teared away from every place I went. lol... A local Korean girl asked me why I don't love girls. lol.. Well.. most locals don't understand the affect of rejection. ^^... The reject is few hundred times hurtful than normal locals. lol. They don't understand that. Plus, they just love me for my outsides.... So.... in high school everyone hated me for being culturally different. Suddenly after everyone goes to college, they want husbands who studied aboard ^^. BULL SHIT. But this world is very... shitty. looks, money, education defines a person... people who weren't nice to me, suddenly became nicer now. But... I really don't have much. Education? psh... I'm just going to college for the title. After I get back out I need to do a lot of independent study. Engineering is all about knowledge, not the degree. Its just that Asian companies look at degrees more... Well.. I need to graduate first. Idk... I'm having a hard time with this one course... I just need a C and pass it. My friend is helping me a lot but Idk.... its too complicated..
I can't use my brain... Idk.... its better not to. When I'm serious.. everything hurts. Its better not to take things seriously.. just get life over with peacefully even it means to live single... peace is the best. I don't bother people, they don't bother me. :). Fuck I hate people judging me for being single forever.... lol ... they think I'm a player.. fml... well they expect me to at least engage in at least one relationship -.- well no...
Idk... I hope God would be nice and let me graduate..... I mean college was 4 years of punishment..
Oh I finally made my parents understand what it meant to be family -.- Hardest shit ever. They keep complaining how sensitive I am.... Well.. its not like that, I eat shit from everyone outside of our family. So.... I expected my family to accept me for being myself.... and they didn't D:....
hmmm they finally understood... Finally after 22 years of me telling them. hmmm it still doesn't feel right. Like you know when you tell people what to do.. it doesn't have much meaning in it. I wish my mother was actually caring... or my father.. lol Idk... its like having parents but not really. My mom would only bother me when she wants attention. She kept complaining how I was self centered.... Well... it was her that was really self centered.. She does admit it.. well... thanks mom for making my life miserable... Well its my dads fault for being a robot. I guess most men don't have emotions. I have too much its annoying. People call it emotional intelligence. ^^ sounds cool but not really ... doesn't help surviving society.... Its more like useful to fix people. It bothers my studies a lot.
Its really hard to communicate with shallow people... everything i say doesn't make sense. fuck I realized I'm extremely deep wtf. I thought everyone was like me -.- ....fuck i thought everyone was nice as me fuck
man I need to realize I grew up fml... I've realized a traumatic incident led to me believe I'm still a kid... well...it did lead to me having high emotional intelligence, which i am very thankful of. well no its a useless characteristic that i use to entertain ppl
What else is in my brain? Yeah... I really don't fall in a category. I miss my sister. lol she grew up too much though.. I wish she found a nice person already lol cml
hmmm... man I hope I can graduate. Fuck this school suck balls. I need to study at my own pace. I learn from the past.... so I need time to let all the knowledge kick in.... man .. I'm exhausted.
Suppressing myself is hard as fuck. A girl in Korea told me I should stop suppressing myself..well... that would lead to a lot of trouble. that would lead a to a lot bad things. Idk its better for me to suppress myself.
yeah i need to work on programming. fml... fuck... lets see... basically I know very little of it. Idk I just have to beat everyone.. As long as I graduate and study at my own pacing. it should be fine.
man... my plan was perfect but it got destroyed. fk.
I'm screwed. FUCK
As long as my dad lend me his house. I should be fine.
Hmm thoughts should i go to the military or just get paid and practice programming? IDk fuck money does seem tasty. But I can't study in that house. Idk I'll ask my dad if he can get me a space to study. Its really about whether I have a place to study or not. I can't study in the current house. Too uncomfortable. Idk its just that I need complete isolation. I don't like family.
Idk... I have no clue. I should go to the military to be a man. Idk I'm just depressed.
I've realized depression comes when you are disconnected. Well. for me its not like I wanted to be disconnected. Forced to. So.. being depressed is normal. Depression seems to make life a lot harder than it is. fml... I don't know how to solve this issue. Well.. I used to have a secure connection with family but I: lost that so.
Its kind of funny how I thought depression came from lack of activity. Started blogging to remove depression. Wore bright clothes to make myself feel better. Ate a lot of fruits. Did everything to stay out of depression. So the real reason was disconnection -.- hahhahaha Its pretty funny how I thought everyone was depressed. fml.
fuck I might not be able to graduate now that I think about it. FML fuck this depression fucked up all my thinking process.. fuck I can't believe I have trouble constructing sentences. WTF. Its like I skip words because my mind is disconnected.
Fuck the problem is fucking god killed me. When you traverse different societies, you can't trust anyone. My mom proved to be very undependable and the only person I could truly trust was my father. Like most Asian parents, he was an alcoholic. he fucked up his liver and in my critical moment in my life. Yes I'm dwelling in the past. It just keeps coming back to haunt me. Idk its probably cause of the grieving period never happened for me as a child. I do opposite of the atmosphere. Everyone was insecure so I was the opposite. However, without the proper grieving period, it influenced my future greatly. hmm this sucks.
Idk whatever. drag myself to do things. Idk fuck this. Well... my friend is doing med school. I guess I'll just work hard with him. I just need to practice programming with my free will. Not forced to.
Idk as long as I'm not forced to, I can excel. I just need a comfortable room and food. Idk plus I don't give up. Thats one golden rule. Well... I kind of don't care about a lot of things so its nice.
Just a side note. I'm supporting my children whatever she or he wants to do. Well... assuming she or he proves me the ambition of his or her goal.
These are situations which upsets me. I'm too tired. fk exhausted with life. I think I should read about emptiness in buddhism because the insides of me feel really empty. Something must be broken.
I kind of understand why that person referred me as a "kid". Life must be a lot different from the early twenties to mid twenties. She told me how she used to think like me. Maybe she's right. I should just live off instant gratifications. Idk I want to suppress myself as much as possible. Idk I have a extreme high sense of intuition. My high sense of intuition makes me distant from reality. lol. FK I hate intuition fk that. I want intelligence.
I wonder why I'm so disinterested in life. No, I was never interested as I was born. Not a single thing interested me. My only interest is animals and golf. Man.. I could have became a professional golfer. FK WTF why am I so disinterested? WTF why is everything boring FK. fml. I'm not even rich and smart wtf. I find life challenging yet I'm bored wtf.. Man... wtf everyone is so hard working.. wtf...
What are their motivation in life?
I wonder why I'm so lazy, useless, irresponsible and dependent. fk. What am I good at? Golf! Man... fk after military I have to study for real lol.. Thats going to suck balls.
My friend dumped a guy because he was nice and caring. Apparently, he was going to drag her down. Man... that sucks. Well for the guy. WTF do people want. Well, I've realized its normal for people to want attention. Idk its how people are. Even I want attention at certain times. I only get attention when I don't want them fk -.-. fkfkfkfkfkfkffkfkfkfkfk. Well, facebook did succeed. I mean its basically a show and tell. Man..... Idk life is so weird.
Man this sucks. I need to stop sleeping in random buildings of my school. Yeah for sure I'm still immature. FK I hate this. Idk... I've realized I'm completely different fkfkfkfkfkfkfk. fml; man it hurts a lot when I think of the goodbyes I told to so many people. I said goodbyes in hundreds lol. Nothing lasts. My attitude is a problem? Well, its what I've learned through out my entire life. fkfkfk
It kind of sucks. No matter how hard I try, people prefer materials fkfkfk
Idk... I guess everyone is trying their best.
Man wtf I don't know what to do fml. growing up sucks. man.. idk I just want a peaceful life which is unlikely to be given. man i hate this man eat man world. I think I'll just deny reality.
Do I want to climb the social ladder? fk i'm so lazy... Idk... think after military lol. maybe we're not suppose to trust another. Even family have hard time loving you. Then you can't expect others to love you lol. I mean wtf. Well at the moment I refuse all forms of love. Idk I hate myself. The thing is I keep distancing myself. People see that as being fake. Well really sorry but I can't help myself. Nothing lasts for me. I wonder what would last? facebook did make things easier but I feel like, its making it worst. I prefer to disconnect myself because I already know our connection are getting thinner. idk life is shit. man idk what to do fk.
I guess its one of life struggles again. FK...Sure, I become a better person after this is over, but I'm already exhausted.
man my mentality is fked up. I probably need to fix this. man... life is messed up. idk fk This sucks. I hate people.
I need to go back to Korea. Fk I shouldn't have let fear dominate my brain. I need to start from scratch. I'll give myself 4 years. At age 26 I'll become something. Idk I'll find something to be pissed off at.
FK those yourecards. They're fking brainwashing people to become alcoholics. Those retarded memes. Its no better than YOLO.
Our generation is weird. We are very selfish for sure compared to the older generation. But the funny thing is despite our individualism, our identities are becoming unified. Everyone has the same iphone, macbook, galaxys, tablets. Our cars look the same. We see a lot of identical buildings.
What would happen if all the countries finish industrialization? What if everyone gets high education? Idk Life is weird. Things you believe is right is apparently wrong. fk it I'm living with my intuition. I've realized I may not be smart, but my intuition is extraordinary. man this suck.
Another thing is I forgot the real world is very cold hearted. Idk. I forgot my abusive past because I've never invaded other people's self interest. Thus, there were no conflict.
Fk. what am I suppose to do. man. my life is going to be shit.
1. Graudate.
2. Military.
3. 2 years of studying.
4. 2 year job
Things to do.
1. Get some help with trust issues.
2. Get some help with fear of being happy.
This is fked up.
I wish I could be happy for myself lol. Man I can't believe I grew up. wow shit.
In the inside I'm that fat short ugly dumb kid. I need to keep doing things to make myself better. I got weak during college. The time I was doing my full potential was when I believed I was God. haha. man... I miss the time when I was fearless. Idk after I get back to Korea, I'm going back to being God. There is nothing you can't do if you want to. Programming? I'll kill myself doing it. Start from scratch.
Dear God. I usually don't pray for myself, but help me out this time. I'm tired ok? I think I know what you did to me, when I exchanged my life. lol. Man... well just help me.
I've realized my mental health is like those of batman, Eminem. Its the same as Eminem. I wonder how he lives each day. Well at least he is rich now.
fk only if I wasn't retarded. Well, I never thought I would be at an engineering school. Well for today, music isn't helping. Oh well. Life sucks.
I've realized, I lose sanity when people start destroying themselves.
I wonder how long it would take me to become a professional coder. Well I just need to get pissed off more. Man my brain is fked up.
I wonder if it is normal for people to love money, alcohol, drugs more than humans. Why do I always have to compete against things that aren't alive. lol FML.
Idk maybe its really my attitude that is the problem... I mean I can't be happy. Its impossible. Idk what am i suppose to do? I've been moving so much that I've naturally distance myself. Omg.. I found out I have a lot of problems. Well, socially..... fk I can't help it. fkkkk
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid
FK that I'm forcing that fish to climb the tree. Make it fly if necessary.
FK.... I'm suppose to love myself.. hmm I don't. I trust myself. Trust is better than love. You're not necessarily happy but you're comfortable.
FK. I'm owning everyone. After military. I'll prove that pessimism wins in the end. Fk it. Its either I die or I improve. Fk I'm going back to Korea. I need to lock myself up.
I think I'll close this blog soon... I need to go back into complete isolation once I finish college. Yeah definitely start from scratch. Go to military, get physically stronger. After that I'll work on my mental strength. pace myself. Go for sleepless nights. Idk... its always better to study in home ground. See how far I go. Its pretty funny how no matter how many people I make friends with lol nothing lasts. I've met so many people... I mean I am the kid that waves to too many people in college. lol... Walking to classes to classes is all about constant hand waving lol. Yet nobody is going to last lol.
Man... I can't make friends in the military lol. Fk that. I"m just checking how much stronger I became. I mean I did get soft, after high school. lol. Too comfortable. Well mental torture, but let see. Idk I kind of want to see if I can top them lol. I mean they are mostly kids who want to join korean gangsters. Idk I have to establish ranks as well. Idk... its more fun that way anyways. Just go for the most hardcore course . Idk see what happens. Hmmm I'm going to have to lie on the interview... They'll ask why did you join this force? I should answer because I'm bored and no particular reason. But, I guess I have to lie that I want to protect the country. Hmmmm. Man.. my parents are going to kill me. Oh well... lol My cousins advised me to go to the easiest one... Well... sorry lol... Man.. people are going to see this as confidence again. FK..
Try my best to graduate and then PREPARE properly for military lol. Not like college. I'll make my training harder than the military's program lol.
I can't believe I grew up this much. lol... trusting someone to last was the worst idea ever... lol.. I can't help myself from falling in love with people from the past. lol Thats why weak spot. Well... I realized its going to take more than that now lol. t will take years to fall in love. I wonder if any one is willing to do that lol. THey just want finished products. Can't believe how much I've changed lol...
Man... people from gangnam are a lot nicer than the people on the outside... They're all nice kids. I met a kid that could see through me lol. That was insane. Those are kids that are truly nice lol. Somewhat selfless. A true christian.
One of those rare people.
Well its nice to know someone like that lol.
Idk what am I suppose to do. I guess get part time job + exercise.
I need to get smarter and stronger though.
6 months training + part time job
2 years military
2 years self studying. + internship.
Man.. I'm too cool.
Things I want to do.
http://outdoor-games.wonderhowto.com/how-to/build-your-own-rainbow-colored-igloo-with-milk-carton-ice-blocks-and-snowcrete-0141219/
Man... I really want to decorate my own room.. I think its like one of my greatest wishes.
I hate my life as a nomad. I don't belong anywhere. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. The life traveling around the world. ha.... they don't realize the pain of moving. They'll never understand how I was teared away from every place I went. lol... A local Korean girl asked me why I don't love girls. lol.. Well.. most locals don't understand the affect of rejection. ^^... The reject is few hundred times hurtful than normal locals. lol. They don't understand that. Plus, they just love me for my outsides.... So.... in high school everyone hated me for being culturally different. Suddenly after everyone goes to college, they want husbands who studied aboard ^^. BULL SHIT. But this world is very... shitty. looks, money, education defines a person... people who weren't nice to me, suddenly became nicer now. But... I really don't have much. Education? psh... I'm just going to college for the title. After I get back out I need to do a lot of independent study. Engineering is all about knowledge, not the degree. Its just that Asian companies look at degrees more... Well.. I need to graduate first. Idk... I'm having a hard time with this one course... I just need a C and pass it. My friend is helping me a lot but Idk.... its too complicated..
I can't use my brain... Idk.... its better not to. When I'm serious.. everything hurts. Its better not to take things seriously.. just get life over with peacefully even it means to live single... peace is the best. I don't bother people, they don't bother me. :). Fuck I hate people judging me for being single forever.... lol ... they think I'm a player.. fml... well they expect me to at least engage in at least one relationship -.- well no...
Idk... I hope God would be nice and let me graduate..... I mean college was 4 years of punishment..
Oh I finally made my parents understand what it meant to be family -.- Hardest shit ever. They keep complaining how sensitive I am.... Well.. its not like that, I eat shit from everyone outside of our family. So.... I expected my family to accept me for being myself.... and they didn't D:....
hmmm they finally understood... Finally after 22 years of me telling them. hmmm it still doesn't feel right. Like you know when you tell people what to do.. it doesn't have much meaning in it. I wish my mother was actually caring... or my father.. lol Idk... its like having parents but not really. My mom would only bother me when she wants attention. She kept complaining how I was self centered.... Well... it was her that was really self centered.. She does admit it.. well... thanks mom for making my life miserable... Well its my dads fault for being a robot. I guess most men don't have emotions. I have too much its annoying. People call it emotional intelligence. ^^ sounds cool but not really ... doesn't help surviving society.... Its more like useful to fix people. It bothers my studies a lot.
Its really hard to communicate with shallow people... everything i say doesn't make sense. fuck I realized I'm extremely deep wtf. I thought everyone was like me -.- ....fuck i thought everyone was nice as me fuck
man I need to realize I grew up fml... I've realized a traumatic incident led to me believe I'm still a kid... well...it did lead to me having high emotional intelligence, which i am very thankful of. well no its a useless characteristic that i use to entertain ppl
What else is in my brain? Yeah... I really don't fall in a category. I miss my sister. lol she grew up too much though.. I wish she found a nice person already lol cml
hmmm... man I hope I can graduate. Fuck this school suck balls. I need to study at my own pace. I learn from the past.... so I need time to let all the knowledge kick in.... man .. I'm exhausted.
Suppressing myself is hard as fuck. A girl in Korea told me I should stop suppressing myself..well... that would lead to a lot of trouble. that would lead a to a lot bad things. Idk its better for me to suppress myself.
yeah i need to work on programming. fml... fuck... lets see... basically I know very little of it. Idk I just have to beat everyone.. As long as I graduate and study at my own pacing. it should be fine.
man... my plan was perfect but it got destroyed. fk.
I'm screwed. FUCK
As long as my dad lend me his house. I should be fine.
Hmm thoughts should i go to the military or just get paid and practice programming? IDk fuck money does seem tasty. But I can't study in that house. Idk I'll ask my dad if he can get me a space to study. Its really about whether I have a place to study or not. I can't study in the current house. Too uncomfortable. Idk its just that I need complete isolation. I don't like family.
Idk... I have no clue. I should go to the military to be a man. Idk I'm just depressed.
I've realized depression comes when you are disconnected. Well. for me its not like I wanted to be disconnected. Forced to. So.. being depressed is normal. Depression seems to make life a lot harder than it is. fml... I don't know how to solve this issue. Well.. I used to have a secure connection with family but I: lost that so.
Its kind of funny how I thought depression came from lack of activity. Started blogging to remove depression. Wore bright clothes to make myself feel better. Ate a lot of fruits. Did everything to stay out of depression. So the real reason was disconnection -.- hahhahaha Its pretty funny how I thought everyone was depressed. fml.
fuck I might not be able to graduate now that I think about it. FML fuck this depression fucked up all my thinking process.. fuck I can't believe I have trouble constructing sentences. WTF. Its like I skip words because my mind is disconnected.
Fuck the problem is fucking god killed me. When you traverse different societies, you can't trust anyone. My mom proved to be very undependable and the only person I could truly trust was my father. Like most Asian parents, he was an alcoholic. he fucked up his liver and in my critical moment in my life. Yes I'm dwelling in the past. It just keeps coming back to haunt me. Idk its probably cause of the grieving period never happened for me as a child. I do opposite of the atmosphere. Everyone was insecure so I was the opposite. However, without the proper grieving period, it influenced my future greatly. hmm this sucks.
Idk whatever. drag myself to do things. Idk fuck this. Well... my friend is doing med school. I guess I'll just work hard with him. I just need to practice programming with my free will. Not forced to.
Idk as long as I'm not forced to, I can excel. I just need a comfortable room and food. Idk plus I don't give up. Thats one golden rule. Well... I kind of don't care about a lot of things so its nice.
Just a side note. I'm supporting my children whatever she or he wants to do. Well... assuming she or he proves me the ambition of his or her goal.
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