Caring for the depressed.

I'm actually depressed everyday. I probably lack endorphins so I can't blame myself. I think in my case its more normal to be depressed. Its just that I never showed it. I ignored it because I thought everyone was like me. I found out its not like that. Most people aren't chronically depressed. Their depression is over after a while. Idk there are a lot of people like me. I actually want to kill myself really badly because of this headache. Nothing helps. I hate depression. So, I'm suppose to live with a headache for rest of my life? fml Anyways this is probably why I care about other people. I don't want them to be constantly depressed like I am.  

Caring for the depressed is a lot of work, especially when your depressed yourself. I promised myself to care for myself first, before others. However, here I am caring for another being. fml. I can't help myself if another person is self harming. I realized the more time I take to recover myself, the other person would be self harming.  I believe the most important part of the caring is support. Keep supporting them and believing in them. Also, you have relate. Its hard. You have to understand them. I don't think the approach, I've done it you can do it too works. Just always be there for them. Idk maybe its annoying. But for sure, the mindset is important. As for me, after an optimistic person destroyed my life, it was hard to trust them again. However, I believe if the mindset is the same, its easier, to understand the other person's view. Its just that depression creates a pessimistic mindset. The pessimistic mindset is very brain torturing. You basically live in hell. 

I'll give you an example. For me, friendships don't lasts. I've learned that from my early childhood. So, I imagined everyone dead. After that I learned my parents don't last. So, I imagine, my parents dead. Lastly, I've experienced people hating me for who I am. So, I imagine, everyone hating me for who I am. Thus, I've created a whole world of dead people and people hating me. Its hell. Its not like I want to think like this. Its subconsciously programmed in my head. Happiness is impossible to find. 

Well, I should have never trusted anyone. It would have been better that way. Idk. It was my first time having someone requesting the trust. I guess I'm paying for the happiness I borrowed. 

Anyways, I realized, no matter how much I care about depressed people. If they are going through chronic depression, its not going to help. No matter how consistant I am with the care. I just have to keep giving. I have to constantly care. Self harm is a sign of help. Idk why I'm this way. I thought it was normal for humans to help each other. I didn't know that. However, it seems its not the norm. 

I kind of understand why psychiatrist are always depressed. They have to use empathy. They don't see results from depressed people. Thus, they themselves get depressed. Well, the good thing is, I'm seeking help. I wish every other people did that too.

I think these are key points.

1. Take care of yourself

2. Encourage them to seek professional help

3. If they don't just try to understand them in a pessimistic view point. 

- Optimistic view point only works once. Pessimistic people usually learn to not trust optimistic people after they fuck their life up. To be honest, a lot of these optimistic people are liars. They lie about the harm they done. So that they don't feel guilty. They deny the truth. Sometimes they are pessimists disguised as optimists. I know because I was a true optimist before.  Everything was very happy.

4. Give them support. 

5. Don't let bad results get to you. 

I guess thats all I can say. I really don't know. I did learn how to love people through agape. The power to unconditionally love someone. Its a great strength for myself. However, I realized every time I use agape, my brian hurts a lot. I mean agape is the devine form of love that is given by God. 

kdrama: the Nice guy that never existed in any societies

Its a drama about a cute guy who is selfless. Protects the weak, takes blame for things that he never did, and etc. Basically full of self sacrifices. Reminds me of myself a lot. So, from the drama I realized how shitty life is. Being self sacrificing hurts my brain a lot. You already know you're not going to benefit from the action. Its clear. But you have to do it because its the right thing to do. Forced to. You ask yourself why am I doing this. Even if it affects my future. The biggest problem is those people who try to use you. Ask you and demand you to do things. I hate when people try to put me on a leash. I just hate hit so much, it brings out so much negativity. Most times I refuse, but still it annoys me a lot. I don't mind give and take. However, if they disrespect me, I want to punch them. I already on a leash by God. I can't Moreover, no matter how much you love depressed people, they'll never be happy. Its a given. The amount of love I gave out to those who needed it drained me completely. I didn't know love was limited. I thought the heart can regenerate love without depleting it. I guess that is the difference between me and God. He never exhausts himself. However, another difference between him and I is that mines are done by action not words. The similarity between the main character and I are that we both hate God. Hate God to our guts. He keeps punishing me but wouldn't offer us death. Its not that I want to die. I'm not suppose to exist. A guy who doesn't smoke, drink, gamble, care about others, take other people's punishments, and self sacrifice. lol The main character his pretty damn pessimistic. I guess its normal. If you're too positive, you see things negative. Idk I wish God will just kill me already lol. Compared to a lot of people, my future is bright. However, happiness doesn't follow. My mindset is very fked up at the moment. Its probably is because nobody understands me. Even I can't understand myself nor my behaviors.

I don't know. I want to live in a cave. So, I can't see sad people.Nor those people with hidden intentions. I hate those people with hidden intentions. I'm too lazy to hide myself. If I do hide myself, I have to hide my niceness because people take advantage of it.

After I go back to Korea. I'm to go back to being the bottom of society. The Korean military is pretty funny. Its really about how wealthy you are, even if there isn't suppose to be any social class. I'll go to the hardest one where none of the middle upper class people go to. I need to acquire the ability to see things from below like I used to. I forgot about it because I've been heading towards the top, moving forward. Idk people are nice to you when you're up there. I'm probably going to get a lot of hate from the people in the military for being different or being spoiled. I want to see how much I developed. Its always better to see both sides of the world.

Most people only try to see the beauty of the world. I want to see the insides of the world. How the gold coating is all a distraction of the inner dirtiness. btw. Korea is a very good example of gold coating. Korea is too clean. Idk just live life quietly and pass away. me and my friend was talking about not having kids. They have to go through too much shit.

Yeah I wish I could see the psychiatrist asap

My brain keeps hurting. I think I'll write about instant and long term gratification.