Goals in Life

Few goals in life.

-Graduate
-Go to military
-Learn to DJ
-Learn to play guitar to cheer up others
-Learn to Dance to shake things off

Long Distance Friendship

I met up with a friend from high school last week. It made me happy as well as feel really bad. I ended up puking in the bathroom before I went to meet up or rather say confront her. When I did meet up with her, I kind of didn't believe it. I had to keep doing a reality check, if she was actually there. I'm really not used to meeting up with people after I leave the country. Its just something that never happened before. Also, it seems when I say good bye, I expect to never see them again. I guess its a rule for being an international person. Never expect to see a person again. Because if you do, it would hurt you. Another rule is, never miss people. Never. As of now, I do not know the feeling of missing someone and I hate those missing you songs. I'll never admit I miss someone. Anyways, I had to distract myself. I mean meeting her was great but to be honest, I was dying inside. I'm scared of acquiring the expectation of seeing her again because the last time a girl broke my expectation I fell  in love unconditionally. Well, thankfully I made it through.

I was pretty nice to her because I'm not going to see her again. But, I do find it really funny how she took it for granted and showed disrespect. I guess its basically because her father spoils her very much. Well, I don't really mind because I refused most of her requests. I mean I'm well mannered and nice. I like to do things for others when they don't request it. The moment they try to put me on a leash, I do not appreciate it. The reason why I'm nice is because I realized you don't want to regret when people disappear. You want to thank and do your best for the other being before they leave. Well, this is a great problem because most people do not understand my behaviors. Its not normal.

Well, my irrational behavior will end after this semester. This was my personal project of giving and being nice. When college started I realized a lot of people will be struggling and fight loneliness. I wanted to give them something to maybe cheer them up a bit, expecting nothing in return. Well, I also wanted to show them people do care about them. Well, I'll say this project was a semi failure. Well, it was a good learning experience of life. I'm looking forward to tell stories about it to my children.

The end result is. The people who I did care about did not reciprocate the care. Well only two person did. The people who I didn't not have to care about cared for me. For those people, I tried my best to reciprocate the care. I thanked them a lot. Most people would think I'm just crazy. Also, I had couple of strangers do me favors without expecting anything for return. Those strangers meant a lot to me. They are significant beings.

Then again I myself is pretty different.

I wonder why I am this way?
But, I realized I'm still human. I suffer from having a bit of an expectation. I mean I told myself to expect nothing, absolutely nothing. But, I guess I do expect a little like saying thank you. I understand now why Jesus was a superior being and I understand why he was in so much pain. Most people keep talking about the pain Jesus Christ went through. Well, most people do not understand exactly how it feels because nobody is selfless. Then, I realized how many people are seeking God because of a broken relationship. I think thats stupid. Most people only pray for themselves and focus on how God loves only themselves. This is why I hate seeking God when your weak. You tend to pray for only yourself. I think its better to pray for others.

But that can only happen if your strong.

I made a mistake. I shouldn't have seek God for help. Well, thankfully I did not pray for myself.

This depression thing sucks balls

Sorry, I'm like suffering from panic attacks so it was better for me to not interact with people. Interaction with people seems very complicated.

I've decided to break my relationship with God. Well, unless I'm praying for other people. 

I did this like twice already, but I forgot why I did this. Through this retarded issue of mine I've realized why I broke relationship with God. Ok, I hate people who try to put a leash on me. Basically I hated my parents as well as God. I just hate the feeling of having a leash. Its quite funny how fked up God is when he wants to prove a point that he controls me. 

He made me break every relationship I have by making me move around. He showed me that I cannot avoid death. He also proved that I have no control over deciding my future by sending me into an engineering school when I've been preparing myself for a business or law school. 

I guess having a leash on my neck made me weak. 

Well once more I'm going to use hatred for society to become better. Pretend I'm dead. I wonder why God always make me do this. Living is such a pain but oh well. 

Also I'm never having attachments with anything except my headphones